Little Things Every Marriage Needs

It's the everyday little things you do in a marriage or any relationship that make the biggest difference.

In today's excerpt from my book Intelligence For Your Life:  Powerful Lessons For Personal Growth, I share three of those little things you know you should be doing in your marriage but you never seem to get around to doing.

Relationships are complex because people are complex. But they aren’t impossible. Having been exposed to all the relationship advice I’ve come across since I’ve been hosting the John Tesh Radio Show (some of it contradictory!) two big, overarching themes have emerged—one sort of scary, one very encouraging. First, you have to be intentional; if you put your relationship on autopilot, you’re going to crash.

That’s the scary one. Here’s the encouraging one: little things really do mean a lot. So you’ve got to be proactive—that is, you have to do things—to keep your relationships intact. But you don’t always have to do big things. Routine maintenance really does prevent the big breakdown.

So, after reading through the hundreds of studies and secretly testing some of this intelligence in my own home, I am prepared to give you some of my relationship favorites. Here are a few small things that every marriage needs:

• A photograph of the two of you. Not a family photo . . . no in-laws. Just the two of you. Experts recommend using a picture that is less than five years old. No kids. No wedding photos. Ideally it’s a photo of the two of you doing something goofy. Connie knows I love having photos of the two of us all over the house. I especially love the one from last summer that shows us wiping out in the waves together at the beach. I even have that one on my computer screensaver. Every time you see your special photograph you will be reminded of your commitment to remaining a couple.

•An inside joke. Without a sense of humor, your relationship will never survive. Your inside joke needs to be something very personal. Perhaps it’s a secret word for something, or a weird nickname. And this is important: it should make no sense to anyone but the two of you. Marriage counselors will tell you that when you share something that’s just between the two of you, it connects you. I don’t think my wife Connie would mind my sharing one of our little inside jokes. People often hear me refer to her as “Ched,” but most don’t even want to ask. Her real first name is Concetta (pronounced ConCHEDDa), which became cheddar and then Ched. See, only makes sense to us. I’m known as “Borderline”—as in borderline insane. No kidding.

•A fair fight. Healthy disagreements should actually be a staple of your relationship. I know it sounds strange, but most experts I have interviewed agree that “no fighting” usually means that there are unresolved issues that will eventually explode. The key to a truly successful fight is to avoid sentences that begin with the word “you”—and never to sling insults. I’ve caught myself many times breaking the you rule, as in “you always” . . . or “you never . . . " That’s never productive. It’s always harmful. If your goal is to solve a relationship disagreement try using we instead of you. For example,resist the temptation to say “You never help around the house," say instead, “I think we have a problem with getting all the chores done. Can you help me come up with a plan that we can use?"

I have a few more little things you can do for your marriage. You can find them in my new book Intelligence For Your Life:  Powerful Lessons For Personal Growth.  The book can be pre-ordered today at half price and you'll receive a free John Tesh Alive Music&Dance DVD. Just click here.

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia