What To Tell Kids About Divorce

Divorce is extremely rough on adults.  Can you imagine its impact on kids?  In fact, there’s an estimated 1,075,000 children involved in divorced families. 

So what do you say and not say to kids when parents dissolve their marriage?  Here’s some practical help.

Define divorce For your kids. You can help your child by telling him the truth about your divorce instead of hiding it.  Explain that divorce takes place after a husband and wife decide they can no longer live together and no longer want to be married.   

Remind your child that a husband and wife often take a long time trying to solve problems before deciding to divorce. Ending the marriage is sometimes the best or only solution.

Make sure your kids don’t think you’re divorcing them. From A Kid’s Guide to Divorce we learn children need to know that because their father is divorcing their mother, it does not mean he’s divorcing them as well.  Even if the child lives with one parent, the parent who lives somewhere else is still that kid’s mom or dad only.

Tell your kids they cannot cause a divorce.   Too many kids think they’re the cause of the divorce: if only they had better grades, had behaved better or helped more around the house, they could have kept their parents together.  Make this perfectly clear to the kids: divorce is between moms and dads only 

Remind your kids they cannot fix a divorce. Your children may wish for you and your spouse to get back together or try some things to make it work, like acting like an angel at home to make mom and dad happy. That does not mean they will get back together. 

Consult the various divorce sites concerning kids. Kids in the Middle is a non-profit organization that provides counseling, education and support for kids and families whose parents divorced. Bonus Families is a site offering kids and their families a place to go to share divorce experiences. Kids’ Divorce Help Page is one child’s view on how he made it through his parent’s divorce.

Help your child through your divorce.  For peace of mind pay attention to these tips on how you can help your kids through the divorce process.

        •Listen quietly.  Children have questions and feelings about their parent’s divorce. Many parents have a hard time listening to their children talk without wanting to interrupt. Children need to be heard.

        •Reassure your children of personal safety.  Kids are concerned once their parents divorce there will not be a place for them to live or enough food or clothing. 

        •Don’t put your child in the middle . It is wise not to say anything negative about your ex within ear-shot of your child. Children must be able to love both parents. If there is information you feel you must know, go to your spouse and ask them directly and not through your child.

        •Make sure the kids know both parents love them.  Just because dad and mom don’t have the same feelings of love for each other, that does not mean the kids are not loved.

        •Let them know who they will be living with. Keep the kids informed on any details that include them. Of course, how detailed you are about what is taking place depends on their age.

        •No blame should be assigned to either parent for the separation.  It isn’t healthy for a child to think there is a good parent and a bad a parent.

John
Email John: johnsblog@teshmedia.com

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Comments

[Rosalind Sedacca, CCT]

Many thanks for posting my comments. Appreciate your support.

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
www.childcentereddivorce.com

[Rosalind Sedacca, CCT]

Thanks for sharing this excellent advice. This topic touches a chord for me.

My own experience more than a decade ago led to my writing How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook(TM) Guide to Preparing Your Children -- With Love! (My now grown son wrote the introduction.) What makes this book unique is that I don’t just tell parents what to say. I say it for them! I use fill-in-the-blank age-appropriate templates to show parents how to create a storybook sharing family photos and history as a successful way to have this tough conversation.

Therapists, attorneys, mediators, educators and other professionals from around the U.S. and beyond have endorsed the book, attesting to the value of my innovative storybook approach to this subject. Six therapists contribute their expertise to the book, as well.

My purpose is to raise the consciousness of divorcing couples so they will stop, talk and create a caring plan of action before having that first crucial conversation with their children. In addition to providing six essential messages every child needs to hear and understand at this time, I also advise parents, for the sake of their kids, to choose to create a “child-centered divorce” which will reap significant rewards in the months, years and decades to come.

For more information, visit www.childcentereddivorce.com.