The John Tesh Blog

Avoid becoming the Bickers family this holiday season.

Remember them? It seems like your whole family became the Bickers last year. Everyone was so excited to be getting together! But then it didn't take long for everything to go downhill fast- and everyone, instead, was so excited to be away from each other. It's happened to all of us at one time or another- we get excited for the holidays- OH! the whole family will be coming! Well, yes- including an opinionated brother-in-law, an over-the-top aunt who puts the "L" in loud, maybe an interfering cousin who has lots of criticism for the teenagers in the house- and your parenting of them...pretty soon it's your own short-temper leading to soon-regretted outbursts that can put a huge damper on everyone's holiday spirit.

David Burns is a cognitive behavior therapist and author of the best-selling books Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy and When Panic Attacks, as well as adjunct clinical professor emeritus of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the Stanford University School of Medicine. He writes for Oprah about finding the ways to defuse stressful family situations by communicating more effectively. "Most people do surprisingly poorly when dealing with a relative who is hurting, depressed, or anxious—we get defensive and try to solve the problem rather than finding the truth in what the person is saying," says Burns. "I like to use what I call the five secrets of effective communication, which are made up of three listening skills and two self-expression skills."

First, practice listening (Burns calls it the disarming technique): "Find some truth in what the other person is saying, even if it seems unreasonable or unfair. Then empathize by putting yourself in his or her shoes and see the world from her perspective." Part of being empathetic is to act as a mirror, paraphrasing her words and acknowledging how she's probably feeling.

"Third, ask gentle, probing questions to learn more about what the other person is thinking and feeling. Those are the three listening skills."

Now you're ready to begin communicating back. The fourth step is to use "I feel" statements, such as "I feel upset," rather than "You" statements, such as "You're wrong!" Stroking statements come last. "Stroking means treating the other person with respect even if you're angry and they're angry. Always do it in a way that the other person won't feel put down or lose face."

That can mean, for everyone in your family this year, warm and genuine hugs when the holidays are over and it's time for everyone to head back home, as well as warm and genuine excitement to see them all next year, too!

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

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Christmas party: the buffet table...here's your guide to getting around it.

I hope you're getting ready to enjoy an upcoming weekend...maybe a holiday party to attend? If you have hopes of starting 2010 without some serious pounds to drop from too many trips to the buffet table, take some tips from Redbook magazine about what to have, what to avoid (and how to, too!) at parties, as well as at home:

Balance out your binges. There are 15 days left of the season. If you've let yourself eat whatever you want in the last couple of weeks, try now to scale back until December 24th. That way, you can enjoy a guilt-free holiday dinner, says Tallmadge. If you have events still to come, leading up to the end of the year, pick one party or dinner a week as the one where you splurge.

Don't stand near the hors d'oeuvres. "Take a few things, then go as far away from them as possible so you're not tempted to pick from the platter," says Jackie Newgent, R.D., a New York-based nutritionist and chef.

Alternate indulgences. Have cheese at one party, but no dessert, then switch it next time out, says Kathleen Daelemans, author of Getting Thin and Loving Food! Doing so will keep you from going too nuts—or saying no to nuts altogether.

Implement the 15-minute rule. Give yourself that much time before you hit up the yummies; grab a nonalcoholic beverage (like sparkling water with a lime twist) in the meantime to keep your hands busy. "People are usually nervous at the beginning of an event, so they dive into the buffet table and end up eating more," says Tallmadge.

Don't ban your favorites. "Decide which special foods you really want and enjoy them, but skip the rest," says Daelemans. So if you love eggnog, have a glass, but if you could take or leave gingerbread-man cookies, don't waste your calories on them.

Make water your best friend. Tallmadge recommends not drinking on an empty stomach and having two glasses of water for every glass of wine. "You want to sip and savor your wine, and grab and gulp your water," she says.

Keep in-between meals low-calorie. Balance out party splurges with super-healthy choices at other meals and on other days of the week, says Daelemans. Make green salads with low-fat dressing for lunch and pick lean meats (like chicken or pork) or broth-based or bean soups for dinner.

Oops, I ate it again! Whether you're whipping up a batch of cookies or making frosting, it's hard not to sample here and there. "But you can end up eating a whole dinner's worth of calories before you even sit down," says Tallmadge.

One misconception you need to avoid like the plague? The one where you tell yourself that you've already put on a few pounds- it's too late, so you might as well forget about it, and eat and drink whatever you want! You'll resolve to get thin at the new year, right? Uh-uh. Get back up on that wagon with me, friend- it's never too late to pull yourself back to some leaner, healthier choices. Good luck the rest of this week, too! (Now...will they just stop bringing cookies to the office??)

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

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Make this a holiday season to remember for all the good things, not the fighting over money.

Thanks to the recession, economists say many families will be fighting this holiday season over money. Of course, thanks to the recession, families are fighting about money much more than previously so. So, how can you keep seasonal money arguments to a minimum? Follow these tips from economics expert Tyler Cowen, and Money magazine:

Learn to say “no.”

During the holidays, many families bombard each other with special requests – like picking up distant relatives at the airport or baking special desserts for dinner. Psychologists say giving in to every single request will increase the odds of a fight, because of the extra time and money involved. So prepare to accept a few family requests, and then say “no” to all the others. Your family will get along better if everyone pitches in equally.

Another way avoid a financial fight this season: Compromise the RIGHT way.

Thomas Schelling is an economics expert who specializes in negotiating. He says family money conflicts are usually part of a larger power struggle to show who’s boss. Those struggles won’t go away during the holidays, but you can defuse them by telling everyone you’re willing to compromise “this one time” – as a way of showing your holiday spirit. For example: If you and your family always argue over who owes more on your monthly cell phone bill, offer to pay this month’s entire bill. A compromise now will help keep the peace during the holidays, without sending the message that you’ll be a “softy” who caves in every time the issue comes up in the future.

Here’s one more way to avoid a fight over money this season: Assign control, and then butt out.

For example: Let’s say your family has agreed to organize a Christmas party. Divide up all the tasks evenly, so that one person handles food, another handles decorations, and so on. Then, once you’ve agreed to a task, do that one job and keep your nose out of what everyone else is doing! Economists call that a “trade and property rights” agreement. It’s a way of giving everyone an equal right to make decisions on their own, without being second guessed at every turn.

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

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Bye buy Black Friday- any deals left for you?

So you decided to stay in on Black Friday, instead of joining in the shopping frenzy, huh? And Cyber Monday came and went before you became one of the 4 million people per  minute shopping online? Wow That's a lot of people. Are there any deals left for your holiday shopping? Absolutely- so start your buying online! Here’s what you need to know, courtesy of Real Simple magazine.

• Start early. As in – well...if it wasn't on Thanksgiving Day, Black Friday or Cyber Monday- let's get going! Regina Lewis is a consumer advisor for AOL, who recommends starting your shopping early. By early, she means really early. Most major online retailers – like Kohl’s, Target and Best Buy- tend to make changes to their website overnight, from about 1 A.M. to 4 A.M. Lewis says this is the online equivalent of restocking the shelves and doing markdowns. So, you can log on when you get up and take advantage of the sales!
• Get advance copies of store circulars. Just go to GotaDeal.com. They posts ads and circulars weeks before the big shopping day, featuring everything from clothing to technology to house wares, and more.  
• Check social networks! Charlie Graham is the founder and CEO of ShopItToMe.com – a site that locates clothing sales. He says that tweeting will emerge this year as one of the best ways to learn about can’t-miss deals in real time. On social networking sites, post a question like, “Looking for an iPod dock for under $150. Any leads?” You Facebook friends and your “tweeps” – that’s slang for your Twitter posse – are likely to respond quickly with tips and links.
• Print out your receipts! Lewis says don’t think of it as “game over” once you’ve made your purchases. Keep an eye on prices for two weeks afterwards. Many stores will make an adjustment to your credit card if an item you bought goes even lower in price.

Most retail experts say that more than ever, this will be the year you don't want to put off your shopping until the last minute. Retailers have put themselves on a rather limited budget themselves, by stocking less this year. Which means, in a nutshell, that your bargains are still out there even if you missed "the biggest shopping days", but they'll not be waiting for you come Christmas Eve or even earlier. Catch the worm now, okay?

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

Check out the new John Tesh Social Network. You can connect with new friends, post your own blog, visit various forums, upload your favorite John Tesh music and share your photos.  To learn more about how to join, click here.

A white Christmas is great, but how about a "green" Christmas?

Thanksgiving 2009 is one for the history books, now (Tom Turkey's breathing a sigh of relief!), so how about the festive holiday cheer in and around your house for Christmas? Time to get going, and even be a little eco-friendly in the process. And the best part of these "green" Christmas ideas from This Old House is that they'll be even more spectacular when you get your white Christmas, too!

Leader of the Pack

Bound to be the shining star of your block, this weatherproof LED reindeer consumes 90-percent less energy than incandescent bulbs, and lasts 10 times longer to boot. Measures 31 ½ inches high and just over 23 inches wide- cost: About $54.99.

Bright Idea

Spread holiday cheer with weather-resistant indoor/outdoor LED light strings. They use  90-95 percent less energy than old-fashioned incandescent bulbs, and 50-60 percent less energy than , and shine on for 200,000 hours of use. Available in multiple styles and colors including the traditional C7, featuring 25 lights, in faceted sapphire blue (shown), ruby red, green, and white. Also available is C9, strung with 25 lights, in multicolor (shown), red, pure green, pure white, warm white, and sapphire blue. Cost upfront is a little more than  traditional lights, but you'll see your costs re-couped soon, and look forward to getting them out of the box next year still working! Cost: about $13.80–19.55 for C7 and about $19.05–24.25 for C9.

New Ideas Come to Light and Leave Lasting Family Memories

This recycled light bulb ornament will brighten your tree—with its charm, that is. Each one will be unique and hand-painted. Bring everyone around the table with craft paints and  burned out light bulbs (shown here- used in bathroom track-lighting- round bulbs with smaller base than traditional light bulbs), and watch the family keepsakes come to life! Costs: about nothing if you can gather burned out bulbs, and craft paints, available at craft stores for around $4 per color.

Grow Some Holiday Cheer for Someone all through the Winter

Keep your green thumb active with a holiday-perfect red Amaryliss kit, or give a favorite gardener some optimism for things to come in the Spring with a beautiful flower to enjoy through the Winter months.

Plant a Live Tree to Grow Alongside your Kids

This year, instead of your traditional cut Christmas tree, consider putting a live, 4-foot Fraser fir in your home, then plant it in the backyard after Christmas. By next year, you'll have an outdoor tree to decorate also.

While building memories, your family is also planting an evergreen legacy that will give pleasure for many years to come. Using landscape plants bought at a nursery or tree farm in lieu of a typical cut tree, or in addition to one, is a growing yuletide trend. Nationwide, 5 to 7 percent of the 32.4 million trees sold last holiday season were living varieties, estimates the National Christmas Tree Association. "For a little more money than a cut Christmas tree, you're getting a valuable landscape product," says Steve Mannhard, an Alabama tree farmer whose annual holiday sales of 1,000 living trees are mostly Leyland cypresses, which run about $49 wholesale for a 6 ½-foot tree in a container.

Welcome back to work and school this week, and I hope your Thanksgiving break was great!

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

Check out the new John Tesh Social Network. You can connect with new friends, post your own blog, visit various forums, upload your favorite John Tesh music and share your photos.  To learn more about how to join, click here.

Your holiday gift cards

I've got lots of friends who gave, or received, retailer gift cards over the holiday season.  And in many cases, like an out of town relative, or one of those "hard to buy for teens" (got one in my own family, as a matter of fact!) it's a great way to go.  But things are a little different in today's troubled economy. And what about you?  Did you receive a retailer gift card from someone over the holidays?    Read on, my friend.  First rule, be sure to use the gift card sooner, rather than later!  Look inside your wallet right now as well.  (I've had a tendency, myself, to misplace things like that sometimes, too!)  Chances are you’ve got an unused gift card in there. Most states these days prohibit retailers from putting an expiration date on gift cards, but if you have some older gift cards, there may be a fee attached (money lost) to use it now.  Next, make sure the retailer is still open for business!  That's the worst case scenario- the retailer may be looking at closing its doors soon...think about some stores like Linen's n Things, Sharper Image, Macy's, who just announced bankruptcies and national store closings, or Circuit City- they'll be liquidating their merchandise and closing their doors in the upcoming weeks and months.  Your might end up with a gift card that a retailer might not be able to honor anymore, leaving you with nothing. 

In fact, gift card sales were down this holiday season, and a survey for Reuters by America's Research Group found that fear a retailer will go out of business prompted shoppers to shy away from buying gift cards, fearing that the card would be worthless if a retailer files for bankruptcy. There is a chance you could get money back, and bankrate.com advises that if you bought a new-worthless gift card for someone and purchased it with a credit card, you may be able to get a refund through your credit card issuer, thanks to the Fair Credit Billing Act.  And if you got a gift card over the holidays that you think you won't use, here are some options: 

• Trade it online. Websites like unusedgiftcards.com, and certificateswap.com, allow users to trade their unwanted cards for more useful ones. 
  
• Or sell it.  Auction sites like ebay.com, or CardAvenue.com, make it very easy to post your card and have people bid on it.  You might not get the full value of the card, but if you know you won’t use it- well, it is better than nothing.
• Re-gift it - quickly!  Someone you know might have a birthday or special occasion coming up.  But again, make sure the card you're giving is to a store that is still open for business, and happy shopping or selling!
  

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

Check out the new John Tesh Social Network. You can connect with new friends, post your own blog, visit various forums, upload your favorite John Tesh music and share your photos.  To learn more about how to join, click here.

Would You Consider A Less Expensive Christmas This Year?

After surveying the blogs and posts on the John Tesh Network, I'm getting the sense people are preparing for a leaner Christmas this year.  Our radio listeners are sharing how hard life has become since they lost their jobs and now is the time to become more creative about how we're going to spend Christmas.

With Christmas just around the corner, people are discovering new ways to do Christmas shopping for their family.

•Check out different places to do your holiday shopping.  You can get great bargains at The Dollar Store, Big Lots, Ross, Overstock.com, Buy Nothing Christmas,  Pricegrabber.com and thrift stores.

Jana, from California suggests finding old necklaces in thrift stores and using the parts for other jewelry. You can get real creative by finding unique collectibles like glass or wood bowls, baskets, tins and knick knacks and turning them into something special. 

Here are other suggestions for a leaner, more creative Christmas celebration:

•Give home-made baked goods - breads, cereals and cookies - to neighbors and friends.  Use your cooking talents and imagination during the Christmas season. 

•Volunteer your time giving to others.  Rather than place all your focus on a lavish dinner for yourself, this year serve Christmas dinner together as a family at a church function to feed those with no place to enjoy Christmas dinner.  Get your kids involved in toy drives. One person told me that the kids have to blindly choose one unopened gift from beneath the tree to give to Toys For Tots.

•Save your money on Christmas decorations.  I'm sure you have plenty of decorations that you've collected over the years.  Is it really worth it to buy new ones and spend that extra money?  You probably have enough from the previous years to make your tree look decorative for the holidays.

•Make a pact to only get presents for the kids this year.  Only get three gifts for the kids.  Eliminate exchanging gifts with your aunts and uncles and your brothers and sisters.  Make a budget on what you're going to spend this year and stick with it.

•You can get very creative with wrapping paper.   Use brown paper bags that you personally decorated,  an old poster you are done with or pictures from a calendar to wrap your presents.

•Purchase family gifts instead of individual ones. You can purchase games or movie nights that the whole family can enjoy instead of a separate present for each person.

•Instead of expensive Christmas cards, you can try Christmas postcards.  Also, send cards to fewer people - the people you truly care about and have a place in your life throughout the year. 

•For your bookworm friends, there's nothing wrong with used books that are in good condition. Used DVDs are perfectly fine. When you're watching a DVD in good condition, you cannot tell if it is used or brand new.

•If you want something that is expensive, ask the whole family to go in on it and only get that person one gift.  Your son or daughter may want a great looking bicycle.  Make it clear that this is the one present they will be getting for Christmas. There's no written rule that a child must have a mountain of presents under the tree on Christmas morning.

•It's perfectly fine to tell your family you are more interested in seeing them than receiving a present.  Tell them you would be grateful for anything they gave you, but their friendship is what counts the most.

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

Check out the new John Tesh Social Network. You can connect with new friends, post your own blog, visit various forums, upload your favorite John Tesh music and share your photos.  To learn more about how to join, click here.