The John Tesh Blog

No, it's not the end of the world...it's just DATING.

When it comes to your love life, do you wish there was a rule book? Sorry- I wasn't about to offer one- it doesn't really exist (love our individualism, right??), but eHarmony Advice has been around the block, so to speak, and offers a few hard and fast guidelines that should smooth your dating sails a bit with some dos and don'ts:

Rule #1: Listen to Your Gut

Whether you’re on a date, communicating with someone you meet online, or flirting with a cutie you meet in person, it’s important to pay attention and listen to your gut. If a potential date’s actions or words set off an internal alarm system, you owe it to yourself to pay attention and act accordingly. These alarms can be both good and bad. For example, how about if you’ve met someone online and they seem interesting- enough to talk on the phone, right? But then you talk to them on the phone and they sound completely different (in a negative way)- you may decide not to meet them in person. A positive example would be if you were on a date with someone and they seemed nervous but well intentioned, your gut might tell you to give them a second chance. By going on a second date, you’ll gain a better understanding of who they really are and if you’d like to see them again.

Rule #2: Pay Attention to Red Flags

Like those internal alarms that alert you to your gut feelings, you also have an alarm system to alert you to red flags. Sometimes this alarm system is turned way down. As a result, we often ignore red flags and find ourselves getting involved with inappropriate partners because we’re not paying attention. Wrong move- you owe it to yourself to become a red flag specialist- especially on a date. An example of a red flag would be if you found yourself on a date with someone who could not stop talking about their ex. They may be a fantastic person, and eventually make a great partner, but right now they’re not ready. Your job is to pay attention to that red flag and not pursue them.

Rule #3: Actions Speak Louder Than Words

During the course of your dating life you'll most likely find yourself on a date with someone whose actions speak much louder than their words. Maybe they’re attentive and chivalrous to you, but treat the waiter, bartender, and/or valet poorly. Or maybe they claim they’re ready for a long-term relationship, but their wandering eye tells you otherwise. To get the most out of your dating life, it’s important to understand that actions speak louder than words. When someone’s actions are contrary to their words, this is not only a red flag, it’s gut-check time. By paying attention and screening out potential partners whose actions don’t match their words, you cut down on wasted dating time and make it that much easier to attract potential partners worth your time and energy.

Rule #4: Don’t Play Games

Successful singles know what goes around comes around. They also know the importance of being honest and well-intentioned with the people they date. As a successful single, you owe it to yourself and the individuals you date not to play games. Call when you say you’re going to call. Do what you say you’re going to do, and be honest when the other person asks if you’d like to go out again. If you don’t want to see them again, say so in a kind and considerate way. By being honest and letting them down easy, you avoid playing games. Expect the same in return. If you don’t get it, don’t play games by taking that out on the next person you date.

Rule #5: Know When to Say “Game Over”

Just as you should not play dating games, you will want to avoid getting played. Like it or not, there are plenty of players on the dating scene. It’s up to you to know the signs of the player, know their game, and be confident enough to say “game over.” Here’s where that all important "gut-check" pays off- know how to spot a player. A little too charming? A little too self-deprecating? A player wants to engage you in the game. So call it for what it is, and instead of falling for their tactics, simply smile, say “game over,” and walk (better yet, run!) away.

So sorry- it's impossible to make one rulebook to match every individual, but that doe seasoned pros who have seen a thing or two in their day, does it? Of course not! And if you can find dating to be a more enjoyable experience, on the whole, by listening to your gut, paying attention to red flags, and understanding that actions speak louder than words, you cut down on wasted dating time...which could translate to relationship success.

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

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All the single ladies? All the single men, too. Lots of singles- but do they want to stay that way?

Attention singles. If you feel like you can’t find someone who wants to settle down, you’re right! According to experts, single folks are now in the majority. 51% of the households in America are filled with unmarried people. Add to that, Stephen Mason, PhD, recently wrote in Psychology Today about filling in for a colleague in leading a psychotherapy group called Living Life as a Long-Time Single. Mason says the group that turned out that evening was evenly divided between males and females and their ages varied enough to make it a well-rounded group of people. That being the case, he was "blown away by the response to my very first question. When I asked how many would willingly trade 'singledom' for 'coupledom' they were unanimous in wanting to switch." There was, of course, the requirement that the Significant Other should be a real sweetheart, great catch, etc., but Mason says it still came down to the fact that nobody in the room was there by choice. In the best of worlds, they would all have been home with Mr/Ms Right. So here are the answers to 3 questions about why people stay single. And how they can find someone who wants to commit. These come from Jillian Straus, author of the book Unhooked Generation.

• Question #1: Why is it so hard for people to settle down? Straus says the biggest reason people are scared to commit is because they don’t want their marriage to fail. Today’s singles are the first generation to be heavily affected by the rise in divorce – which boomed in the 70s and 80s. Prior to that, divorce was still considered shameful. 
• Question #2: How can people be more positive about committing? Straus says people need to stop thinking “Am I missing out on someone better?” Trends like internet dating let singles connect with tons of potential mates, so they’re always left wondering if there’s something better out there. But the grass is never greener on the other side of the fence. When you get to the other side, and see it up close, you see that someone else’s lawn has the same weeds and bald spots yours does. The lesson is to appreciate what you’ve got, instead of dreaming of what you don’t have. So if the person you’re dating meets 8 out of 10 requirements on your list – stick with them. You’ll never find someone who gets 10 out of 10. Also, would you want to be judged as harshly as you’re judging others? Probably not. If you want to be loved “warts and all” – you have to do the same.

So how can you get a relationship off on the right footing? You have to let potential mates know exactly what you want; people aren’t mind readers. Relationships are about communication, and if you can’t speak your mind early on, you’re going to have a hard time in any serious relationship. So, if you want to have Mexican food for dinner, but you answer ‘I don’t care’ when your date asks where you want to eat, don’t get upset if you end up at an Italian restaurant.  You do care; saying you have no preference isn't putting a real you out in front. David Steele, author of Conscious Dating, says that people put more effort into buying a car than selecting a mate. When they do meet someone, they make impulsive decisions based on desperation, or fleeting feelings. So, here are his tips on how to stop hoping for love, and become a conscious dater who’s actively looking for it:

• First, know who you are and what you want. Think of yourself as an iceberg. The “everyday” you is the part that sticks up out of the water. And the real you is the 90 percent that’s hidden from view. So, sit down with a piece of paper, and ask your hidden self a few questions. Like, what new places, activities, and experiences would you like to try? And where do you see yourself 5 years from now in work, family, and fun? That’s the person you should be selling to the world, and the person who really does have a preference between Mexican or Italian food for dinner.
  
• Then, become the partner you’re looking for. Grab your “wish list,” pick an activity, and make plans to do it. Whether it’s trying spicy Indian food, bungee jumping off a bridge, or sitting under a waterfall on a tropical island. If you do what you love, you’re more likely to run into someone who loves it, too. And voilà – an instant connection!
• Strengthen your relationship skills with your family, friends, and co-workers. Bottom line: The better you are at relationships in general, the better you’ll be at creating - and holding onto - a relationship when you finally meet “The One", or...maybe being single won't feel so much like a void in your life when these relationships become stronger.

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

Check out the new John Tesh Social Network. You can connect with new friends, post your own blog, visit various forums, upload your favorite John Tesh music and share your photos.  To learn more about how to join, click here.

Does your relationship need a tune-up?

Just like our reliable cars that get us where we need to go, day after day, sometimes our relationships are in need of a tune-up, too.  Novelist Aldous Huxley once wrote, "There's only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self."  Well, who wants to start with ourselves, when we can play a blame game with our closest ones? Not the way to go! And Huxley's words sum up the premise of a new book highlighted on Oprah.com by psychiatrist David D. Burns, MD, a pioneer in cognitive behavioral therapy and adjunct clinical professor emeritus at the Stanford University School of Medicine. Feeling Good, Burns' 1980 book about battling (successfully!) depression, was a best-seller. Now, based on new research involving more than 1,000 men and women and 25 years of clinical practice, he's written a sequel—Feeling Good Together: The Secret to Making Troubled Relationships Work.

"You can heal a relationship quickly and dramatically, with mind-blowing effects," Burns says. "But you must be willing to examine your own part in it and to see whether you are actually triggering the very problem you've been complaining about." Not that this is easy. We don't want to see ourselves as the cause of the problem, he says, "because it's painful—it hurts tremendously. But we need to give up blaming the other person, and to focus all our energy on changing ourselves." As extreme as it sounds, Burns insists that no matter how much at fault the other person is, you can't fix him (or her); but in a healthy relationship, once you start changing yourself, your partner will change too.

In Feeling Good Together, Burns writes about a woman who is frustrated with her husband because he won't do his share of the chores; worse, when she tries to get emotionally close to him, he pushes her away. It's a classic case of she nags, he withdraws. One day, while he is making a potato casserole, she repeatedly suggests he use a food processor. He finally snaps, "Don't be so pushy! Leave me alone."

"Does it bother you when I suggest things that may make life a bit easier?" she retorts, stomping off in a huff. But what if, as Burns advises, she had said something like "Honey, it's hard for me to hear you say I'm pushy; I know you're right, and I'm sure it's irritating. I really love you and want to hear more about how you're feeling. But you just asked me to leave you alone, and I understand if you're not in the mood to talk right now." The simple—and courageous—act of finding the truth in what her husband is saying suddenly makes the wife appear neither bossy nor annoying. This truth-seeking skill is central to improving relationships, Burns says. "It's really difficult to see things through the eyes of the other person, but when you do, it's like seeing the Grand Canyon for the first time. You wonder how you could have been missing it all these years." When the wife took Burns's advice and realized she was the one pushing her husband away, she began to cry—a breakthrough that opened the way to intimacy.

Such powerful insights are available to everyone. "If you are willing to change yourself and have a real love for your partner," says Burns, "you can both be reborn."

So, let's start with our tune up for these three pretty common issues plaguing our relationships:

Burns has developed a method called cognitive interpersonal therapy that uses specific tools for different trouble spots. Try them; if you're still at an impasse, Burns says, "it may be time to seek professional help."

1. Your partner gives you the silent treatment.

Burns suggests a technique he calls multiple-choice empathy. This involves saying something like "I notice you don't want to talk to me. Is there something you're upset about? Are you angry with me? Perhaps I haven't been a very good listener, and when you've tried to talk, I've just bossed you around. I'm really sad to realize I've probably been doing this to you." Nine times out of 10, Burns says, the other person will open up because you've taken the blame and let him or her off the hook.

2. Your partner criticizes you.

Burns recommends responding to an attack by turning the criticism on its head, a method called positive reframing. For example, if your husband says you're a control freak, instead of taking the bait, respond with a comment like "You're right; I may have a tendency to be overly controlling" and use it as an opening for discussion. "We seem to be having a conflict right now," you might say, "but as awful as it feels, I'm thinking this could be an opportunity for us to explore a deeper relationship. I love you; with that in mind, tell me more about how you're experiencing this."

3. You both want more intimacy.

Try the one-minute drill. One person starts as the Talker; the other is the Listener. The Talker (your husband, let's say) expresses anything that's on his mind for 30 seconds while you give him your full attention, without interrupting, agreeing, or disagreeing. The idea is to sharpen your listening skills, so after 30 seconds you summarize what he said and he grades your response, from 0 to 100 percent, based on how accurate it is. If the grade is below 95, he points out what you missed or got wrong and you repeat the exercise until he gives you at least a 95. Now switch roles. Almost immediately, says Burns, communication between you will improve.

Look- I, personally, know of no relationship that thrives without effort- without taking a good solid accounting once in awhile to make sure you and your loved ones are where you want to be.  It doesn't have to be horrible, hard work, but it can't be ignored. The tune-ups for our relationships are as important as regular check-ups with your doctor...and way more significant than the tune-up to your car!

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

Check out the new John Tesh Social Network. You can connect with new friends, post your own blog, visit various forums, upload your favorite John Tesh music and share your photos.  To learn more about how to join, click here.

10 Questions to Ask Before Saying 'I Do'

Congratulations, you've found Mr. or Ms. Right, fell in love and now the Big Day is right around the corner!  Whoa!  Hang on a minute, and read on.  We've uncovered some great ways to make sure your Big Day doesn't turn into Big Debt!   But before your special day arrives, do your soon-to-be and yourself a huge service by sitting down to ask, and discuss, some mighty big questions, from Kiplinger's Personal Finance Magazine.  You may save yourself some arguments later by talking about your money now.

More important than the cake, flowers or even the invitations is preparing for your financial future together. Make a date to sit down, discuss your goals and expectations and come up with a plan for an effective merger of your financial lives. It may not sound romantic, but considering that quarreling over money is one of the biggest causes of marital discord, a money talk may be just what Cupid ordered.

"Financial dates are a great way for couples to set priorities, build trust and increase marital bliss," says Jennifer Openshaw, chief executive of FamilyFN, a Los Angeles company that provides financial advice. "Probably the biggest mistake couples make is not talking about money. It's really about setting aside time so you can both plan for your hopes and dreams."

1. Where would you like to be in five or ten years? This question is the best way to start a money conversation, says Openshaw. For example, does one of you want to go back to school, start your own business or own a vacation home? And if you plan to raise a family, how many children and when? Would you both continue working, or would one spouse want to quit and stay home with the kids? You may think you know just what your future husband or wife is expecting, but have you asked in detail?  Talk about your hopes and dreams together, and now, to set your mutual priorities, and pinpoint for both of you what you need to do to achieve your savings goals.

2. What are our assets and liabilities? Before you can create an effective strategy to reach your goals, each person should fill out a net worth worksheet, detailing your own assets and liabilities. Once you know where you each stand right now, it's much easier to move forward. If you need help, you might think about consulting a financial professional to help you navigate through this, and make a livable plan.

This is the time, too, if you haven't discussed it already, to bring up a prenup.

A prenuptial agreement spells out how assets will be distributed in the event of a divorce. No one likes to think about it, especially right before the "happiest day of your life", but with about one-third of first marriages and half of second marriages ending in divorce, it makes sense to protect your financial interests.

Prenups aren't just for the super-rich. If either of you owns a home or has investments, owns a business, plans to support the other through school, or you have children from a previous marriage, you probably need a prenup.

Make sure you broach the subject with your partner as soon as possible. It may not be the most romantic discussion, but better now than bringing it up the night before the wedding. Learn more about prenups.

3. Should we keep our finances separate or combine them? Some couples relish the unity and trust that joint accounts foster, while others prefer more freedom and autonomy by maintaining separate accounts. Many couples decide that there is good to be said for both- some couples set up a joint account for household expenses, to which each of you contribute based on your respective incomes, while keeping separate accounts for personal spending.

The key is to find a system that works for you. Make sure you consider your individual money styles. If you are a saver and your partner is a spender, for example, you might find managing an all-purpose joint account too nerve wracking and opt for a combo approach or separate accounts entirely.

4. What about our investments? Whether or not you choose to combine your investment accounts is, again, entirely up to you. (Note: You cannot open joint IRAs or 401(k)s, but you can change beneficiary information.)

Nevertheless, it's important to view your portfolios as a whole to make sure you aren't overlapping. If you both hold shares of the same stock, for example, you could be placing yourselves at risk should anything happen to the company. Check for overlap in your mutual funds using Morningstar's free Instant X-Ray.

5. How will we handle daily spending decisions? One of the first tasks newlyweds should tackle is creating a budget. Sit down together and plot out how much you expect to spend on groceries, clothes, eating out and other household expenses.  Then be sure to add in a certain amount to prepare for unexpected expenses.

"Budget" doesn't have to be a four-letter word -- think of it as a means to reaching your goals.

You should also take this time to discuss other spending issues, such as how much each of you can spend without consulting the other. You probably don't want to discuss every $5 purchase, but you don't want to come home from work to find a brand new, and quite unexpected new car in the driveway, either.

6. Who will be responsible for paying the bills and preparing the taxes? Don't make what seem to be natural assumptions here, friend.  Sure, one of you might seem the logical choice, but all you need to do is bring it out in the open.  Be sure one of you won't feel any resentment about the choices to be made- who's going to write the checks, rebalance portfolios, sift through the dust every year at tax time, and other issues.  Is one of you more organized than the other?  As I said, these decisions might seem perfectly obvious to one of you- be sure they're clear to you both.  Make a monthly date to review the month's expenses, spend a few extra minutes to review where you stand on your current saving progress, and talk about the possibility of upcoming expenses, like vacations or bigger purchases.

No matter who ends up handling the bills in your marriage, make sure each partner knows where to find all the different account information, including Web sites, passwords and bill due dates in case anything should happen and the other person needs to take over the responsibilities.

7. What is your tolerance for financial risk? One of the biggest culprits in marital money fights is a mismatch of risk tolerance, says Jonathan Rich, author of The Couple's Guide to Love and Money.

"A lot of life's most important decisions involve weighing risks," Rich says. From investing strategies to career moves, if one of you prefers to take bigger risks in hope of bigger rewards while the other is content to play it safe, you could each end up resenting the other for his or her carelessness or for holding you back, says Rich.

Here's a small test, too, to see where you both stand. If you're on different ends of the risk spectrum, don't even try changing your spouse's point of view -- it won't happen. Instead, try to compromise on financial strategies that both of you can stomach.

8. What are our insurance options? Adding a spouse to your health insurance may be cheaper than maintaining separate plans. Consider your specific health needs, then look at the costs and benefits of each person's plan choosing. Combining your auto-insurance coverage will probably also save you money. You'll want make sure you have enough homeowners or renters insurance to protect your combined possessions. And what about life insurance? Do you need it? If you already have some, either privately or through an employer, do you need to change your beneficiary information?

9. How does your credit report look? The good news is that simply marrying a person with bad credit will not drag down your stellar record. What's his is his and what's hers is hers. So, if you apply for a car loan by yourself, your spouse's credit report won't even enter the picture.

But when it comes to applying for joint financing -- say, you plan to buy a house together -- lenders will consider both your histories. It's better to know ahead of time of any potential problems than to receive bad news in the mortgage lender's office that you're stuck with a higher interest rate, don't qualify for as much money as you'd planned or that you're being turned down for the loan entirely.

Order copies of your credit reports. You are entitled to a free copy each year from the three major credit bureaus through AnnualCreditReport.com. You and your partner should examine your reports, look for errors and fix them. Then, if there's room for improvement, come up with a plan to boost your credit score.

10. How will we tackle existing debt? Make a pact to pay off your debts. Start with the balances that carry the highest interest rates.  You may choose to work individually or collectively to pay off debts you accrued before the wedding, but don't add each others names to your obligations. Also, consolidating your own student loans to lock in record-low rates is a good move -- but, again, don't merge your loans with your spouse's. The commingled debt would be nearly impossible to untangle should you ever divorce, and if one of you were to default, the other would be left holding the bag. 

THERE.  Take these steps now, and enjoy the feeling of financial peace of mind and confidence that are as much a part of your new life together as the vows you're ready to take together.

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

Check out the new John Tesh Social Network. You can connect with new friends, post your own blog, visit various forums, upload your favorite John Tesh music and share your photos.  To learn more about how to join, click here.

Online Dating: The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

Have you ever spoken to a single man or woman about their online dating horror stories?

What makes a good online dating site?  Is there such a thing? 

An online dating service enables you to network and chat with people from all over the world.  You can also upload photos, fill out profiles to help people get to know you, post comments and messages about yourself and other subscribers.

Some online dating sites are restrictive on their registration procedure while others have  little requirements for registration. Other users think you should have to pay some monthly fee for the dating sites.  The perception is that when you pay for a service, you'll receive better dating choices and feel more safer.

The positive side of online dating is the ability to chat and get to know someone.  Yet the truth is, online dating service members are presenting whatever persona they want others to see.  The face-to-face reality is missing and you don't know who or what you're speaking with. There's a lot of room for deception when people post twenty year old photos of themselves when they were 30 pounds lighter.

I know I sound cynical about online dating sites, but my real concern is that I'm tired of seeing so much heart break.  On the contrary, I've seen people meet on these sites and end up getting married.

To be fair, here are some of the best tips to make your online dating experience a positive one.

•Prepare your online profile beforehand.  An online profile includes a username, a headline, a section about you in your own words, a section about what you're looking for in a mate, a check box area of likes/dislikes and a photo section. Do yourself a favor by filling out a lot of what you'll post on the online dating site by writing it out before visiting the site.  

•Describe yourself in an honest way. Your profile tells others what qualities you have that makes you the person you are.  Too many online dating profiles are filled with statements that attempt to make you sound cool and hip.  Drop the hipster lingo and be honest about who you are and what you're looking for.  

Also, if you're a Christian or Jewish or another faith, be honest about the kind of person you're  seeking.  You may want a partner who finds spirituality to be an important aspect of a relationship. 

•Look for online dating services that offer offline events available to you. You should be given the opportunity to meet a large number of possible dating partners offline.  You can also find out if the 25 year old guy you've been chatting with is really 45.

•Check out dating services that do background checks on their subscribers.  Make sure the service certifies their subscriber's marital status and their age. Research shows that people start to tell the truth about their age, height, and weight after you've shown some interest in them. Why would you want to date them now that you found out they've been lying all the time? 

•For those not the online dating types, there are other places to meet potential dates.  How about coffee shops, church or synagogue functions, sports games, bookstores, libraries, movie theatres, lectures and concerts?  

The problem with the online dating technique is that it discourages people from getting out into the real world to meet one another and forces you to rely on impersonal chat rooms, emails and anonymity.

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

Check out the new John Tesh Social Network. You can connect with new friends, post your own blog, visit various forums, upload your favorite John Tesh music and share your photos.  To learn more about how to join, click here.

Which Do Women Prefer: Nice Guys or Bad Boys?

This question receives a wide array of responses.  The reports I read argue that nice guys are not appealing to most women.  It's as if the nicer a guy is, the weaker is his ability to attract women.

On the other side of the coin, are we saying women are more drawn to men who treat them harshly? 

Yet when it comes to marriage and settling down with one man,  marital experts tell us women don't want to be with a guy who is mean, sarcastic and insensitive. So what gives?

Perhaps the key is romance. Nice guys don't exactly send a strong romantic message to women as much as bad boys.  Too nice is not sexually appealing.  When a guy is so nice, it appears he's offering friendship more than romance.  If a woman is looking for romance,  the soft-spoken, overly cautious guy void of inner passion isn't exactly very appealing. 

When it comes to attraction, the aloof, adventurous type may catch the admiration of women more.  Consider Sean Connery in any one of the James Bond thrillers. 

The image of power and dominance is what creates the attraction. Women don't want someone they can push around. They want a man who has the drive to get somewhere in life and is willing to fight the good fight everyday.  He's an explorer and warrior all rolled into one. He also knows how to be gentle, kind, trustworthy and romantic.

However, when it comes to a lifetime partner, women wise up and realize being married to a suave, flirtatious James Bond type won't make a happy family life. 

One survey claims 38% of women prefer nice guys, while only 15% want the bad ones.  Women may be attracted to a bad boy image, but that can only last so long.  In a more serious relationship, the nice guys wins. 

Here's my message to the nice guys.  Ask yourself if you have what it takes to attract a woman.  If you're one of those guys who's afraid of getting your hands dirty with hard work, cowers at any sign of danger, lacks a sense of humor,  acts immaturely, hesitates to take any risk and allows others to push him around, you may need an image makeover.     

Here's my advice on how to nurture the right combination of being nice and also attractive to women: 

•Watch your level of interest.  Yes, you want to take an interest in your significant other's career, her family and hobbies.  However, it can be a bad sign if you're so interested in her life that you neglect your own. 

•Be careful not to go overboard with compliments. Every woman wants to be complimented but the flattering words need to be genuine. If you're always complimenting her beauty, then your words start losing their meaning.  

•Don't get  too friendly. If you are so respectful towards a woman, that you never cross the line to let her know you're interested, then you're forcing the woman to make the first move.  If you're too nice, you'll come off nerdy, immature and too soft to let a woman know you're capable of more. Unless you want to stay a Mr. Softee, start toughening your approach lest a woman never takes you seriously for an intimate relationship. 

For women who are still stuck on bad guys, here's a word of caution. Bad boys are often "fixer-uppers" and too lost to have a relationship.  They act like they're "bad" because they're insecure, rebels without any causes.  They may try and act macho, but if you dig a bit deeper, you'll discover the bad boys are just that - boys who are not men.

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

Check out the brand new John Tesh Social Network. You can connect with new friends, post your own blog, upload your favorite John Tesh music and share your photos.  To learn more on how to join, click here.

Make Sure Your First Date is Not The Last

Going out on the first date with someone can be nerve-wracking. You want to put the best foot forward, but you don't want your date to trip over your foot either.

What should happen on a first date?  You want the other person to have a chance to know who you are and most importantly, you want to learn all you can about your potential romantic interest.  

To establish that connection, you don't need to spill all the beans about your life from birth to the present. Leave a little mystery for the second and third dates, hoping you get that far. 

So here are some things to remember to make sure your first date is not your last:

•Avoid discussing your ex wife/husband. Sidestepping this subject does not mean you don't mention that you've been married before. If someone mentions their ex on the first date, you may be walking into a three-way relationship.  Get ready for some major drama.  The best advice I can give is that if your ex is still a major part of your emotional life, perhaps you're not ready for dating.  

•Slow down and don't sound rushed. If your first-time date starts talking about how many kids she wants, you may be in for some pressure. There's nothing wrong with wanting a large family.  However, putting that kind of information out on the table on your initial encounter sounds like you're about to head into a very stressful, pressure-packed relationship. 

•Choose which heavy subjects you'll discuss. Most dating manuals warn first-timers to stay away from subjects such as politics and religion.  You should first get to know each other before you find out where you agree or disagree on the heavy matters.  However, what you believe about God is a huge part of who you are and your political beliefs are a major aspect of how you see the world. I don't see anything wrong with sharing your perspectives on these issues on a first date.  One word of caution:  don't allow the first date to turn into a sparring match where you both are trading blows on who will make a better president or which view of God is correct. 

•Guys, be prepared to pick up the restaurant tab.  Stay away from the modern view that the first date should be dutch treat.  The man should make it clear from the start that he's the kind of person who can and wants to provide for a woman.  Don't split the tab.  You can compromise on who covers the tip.  Men need to present themselves as men and this is one way where you can get the the relationship off on the right foot.

•Ask questions that help you get to know the person. If all you can ask is, "What's your favorite TV show?" then you need to take up some hobbies or other interests. The last message you want to get across is that all you do  is veg out in front of the boob tube.  Talk about concerts you attended, books you've read or musical instruments you play.  Convince the other person that you're an interesting individual.

•It's best not to start off telling someone your greatest weaknesses.  It may be a drug or alcohol problem. Perhaps you've been in therapy for a few years working on some emotional struggles. Whatever the case may be, it's best not to spill the beans on the first date and tell your romantic interest all the BIG, SCARY PROBLEMS you're working on or have overcome. You want your date to see your personality and get to know you as a person. 

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

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Don't Fall In Love With a Dating Scam

A large section of single people go on Internet dating sites to find a mate. 

According to Consumer Affairs Annette joined eHarmony and found her match, John, a 41-year-old building engineer from California. There was a catch.  He was working out of the country on a building project in Nigeria and would return to the States soon, along with his daughter, Hailey.

John, an alleged millionaire, was attentive, sent lots of text messages and e-cards and even called Annette's cell phone.

On his trip back to the States he claims he was stopped at the airport by the customs agents and they confiscated his luggage containing $45,000. He asked Annette to send him and his daughter $1,300 to help them get by for a week.

You can guess the sordid details of the rest of the story. ConsumerAffairs.com had received at least 20 similar complaints from people who fell for scammers on online dating sites such a eHarmony.com and Match.com.

Companies like eHarmony take no responsibility for any money its consumers lose to scammmers that they match the victims up with. To save face, eHarmony does post safety tips they ask their customers to be aware of.

•Beware of people who ask for money. Watch how soon they ask for your address, wanting to send you candy or flowers. Once money enters the picture whether they ask you for it or send you a money order for you to cash, be wary of that person.

•Avoid potential dates who ask inappropriate questions or make strange demands -  to keep the relationship secret or claim God has brought you both together.

•Be cautious of individuals who want to speed up the romantic phase beyond the user's comfort level. Don't fall for the phony romance.

•Beware of the person who doesn't want to meet you in person.  He'd rather continue the conversation on a website or an instant messenger service.

•Read the other person's online profile very carefully. They will usually post a professional looking photograph on the website which can be a red flag.  Also, look for wedding rings or body or facial features that don't match the profile.

•Be suspect of any stories told by the person that seem outlandish or grandiose.

•Watch out when they give vague answers to your specific questions, but then want you to be specific. If you do not provide this person with answers to his questions about where you live, and he becomes more persistent, you've got a con artist on your hands.

Sites like eHarmony depend on their users to report the names of individuals who attempt to pull a scam on them.  Shame on sites like eHarmony that do not perform background checks on people. They don't provide the honest, sincere customer with a safety net against fraud. According to suite101.com, if you detect a scammer report them to the FBI or at least one of the following sites:  internet-love-scams.org and anti-scam.org.

One tactic is to ask to speak to him or her on the phone a few times first.  Use the Internet or a private detective who can check to see if she really is who she says she is.  You can get her address confirmed by sending her flowers.

According to a New York consumer website, many people prefer to bear the financial losses in silence rather than disclose the embarrassing details of hundreds or thousands of dollars lost to a romantic con artist.

Don't forget there are sincere, honest men and woman who are using online dating sites and are out to find a legitimate relationship. 

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

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Ways to Stop Excusing Your Lack of a Dating Life

There are a lot of good reasons why a date does not go well - not enough common interests, lack of attraction to each other, bad manners . . .  and the list goes on.

However, we can use our bad experiences on dates as excuses to withdraw from dating and isolate ourselves from the potential of enjoying a positive relationship.

Here are excuses most used by single people on why their dating life is in the dumps and some solutions to correct their wrong thinking:

•I'll just never find the right person to date. The key word is "never."  You act as though your single status is set in stone.  This person's thinking sounds like this: "I'll never meet anyone.  I'm destined to be alone and I may as well accept my destiny."  We accept our faulty reasoning as justified.  Soon our excuses keep us from making ourselves available to meet others. It may be that all you really need to do is work on your confidence level. 

•I'm going to have to relocate to meet someone. "There are no good men or women where I live. So I need to move and get out of this stifling environment before I can meet someone." How much does your geography have to do with meeting a great person? 

No matter where you live, there are great people to meet and there are lousy people you can bump into.   If you have an attitude that you'll never meet someone because of your location, that attitude can keep you from connecting with someone who might actually turn out to be a perfect match.

•I'm only capable of attracting the wrong people.  Sure, there are wrong people you can attract.  I've heard horror stories by women who dated men only to find out they lied about their marital status, or they connected with some guy who pretended to have a successful career only to discover they're unemployed. 

Perhaps you're meeting the wrong people because of the places you're going to meet them. You may be going to the same places over and over and that is why you keep meeting the same types.  Instead of concentrating on the kind of people you're meeting, key in on the ways you're choosing to meet people.

Try attending different kinds of events - classic music concerts, lectures or various clubs that gather around a political or moral cause or religious groups. Mix up your life by attending events you ordinarily would not go to.

•I don't have time for a dating life. We all lead busy lives.  The people you want to meet are also leading hectic lives.  However, you cannot wait for other people to approach you first. 

Make goals for yourself:  "Today I'm going to talk to four new people."  Spend fifteen minutes a day going out to a location like a coffee shop and meet new people. You don't have to date every person you meet. That's foolish. However, you need to build your confidence level that people enjoy speaking with you and that you can present yourself as an interesting person.

•This is just not the right time to meet someone.  "As soon as I lose twenty pounds, I am going to meet someone."  There are a zillion other excuses we use to keep from wanting to meet others. You're waiting to get back in shape; you're in the midst of a project at work; you're waiting for your kids to get older . . . .

You're living a fallacy because you're believing that as soon as you reach these specific goals, your life will immediately go through some supernatural change. Life is not about scheduling things like this, but actually seeing each day as another opportunity to meet someone special with whom you can build a life together.

John

Email John:  johsnblog@teshmedia.com

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