The John Tesh Blog

Avoid becoming the Bickers family this holiday season.

Remember them? It seems like your whole family became the Bickers last year. Everyone was so excited to be getting together! But then it didn't take long for everything to go downhill fast- and everyone, instead, was so excited to be away from each other. It's happened to all of us at one time or another- we get excited for the holidays- OH! the whole family will be coming! Well, yes- including an opinionated brother-in-law, an over-the-top aunt who puts the "L" in loud, maybe an interfering cousin who has lots of criticism for the teenagers in the house- and your parenting of them...pretty soon it's your own short-temper leading to soon-regretted outbursts that can put a huge damper on everyone's holiday spirit.

David Burns is a cognitive behavior therapist and author of the best-selling books Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy and When Panic Attacks, as well as adjunct clinical professor emeritus of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the Stanford University School of Medicine. He writes for Oprah about finding the ways to defuse stressful family situations by communicating more effectively. "Most people do surprisingly poorly when dealing with a relative who is hurting, depressed, or anxious—we get defensive and try to solve the problem rather than finding the truth in what the person is saying," says Burns. "I like to use what I call the five secrets of effective communication, which are made up of three listening skills and two self-expression skills."

First, practice listening (Burns calls it the disarming technique): "Find some truth in what the other person is saying, even if it seems unreasonable or unfair. Then empathize by putting yourself in his or her shoes and see the world from her perspective." Part of being empathetic is to act as a mirror, paraphrasing her words and acknowledging how she's probably feeling.

"Third, ask gentle, probing questions to learn more about what the other person is thinking and feeling. Those are the three listening skills."

Now you're ready to begin communicating back. The fourth step is to use "I feel" statements, such as "I feel upset," rather than "You" statements, such as "You're wrong!" Stroking statements come last. "Stroking means treating the other person with respect even if you're angry and they're angry. Always do it in a way that the other person won't feel put down or lose face."

That can mean, for everyone in your family this year, warm and genuine hugs when the holidays are over and it's time for everyone to head back home, as well as warm and genuine excitement to see them all next year, too!

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

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Make this a holiday season to remember for all the good things, not the fighting over money.

Thanks to the recession, economists say many families will be fighting this holiday season over money. Of course, thanks to the recession, families are fighting about money much more than previously so. So, how can you keep seasonal money arguments to a minimum? Follow these tips from economics expert Tyler Cowen, and Money magazine:

Learn to say “no.”

During the holidays, many families bombard each other with special requests – like picking up distant relatives at the airport or baking special desserts for dinner. Psychologists say giving in to every single request will increase the odds of a fight, because of the extra time and money involved. So prepare to accept a few family requests, and then say “no” to all the others. Your family will get along better if everyone pitches in equally.

Another way avoid a financial fight this season: Compromise the RIGHT way.

Thomas Schelling is an economics expert who specializes in negotiating. He says family money conflicts are usually part of a larger power struggle to show who’s boss. Those struggles won’t go away during the holidays, but you can defuse them by telling everyone you’re willing to compromise “this one time” – as a way of showing your holiday spirit. For example: If you and your family always argue over who owes more on your monthly cell phone bill, offer to pay this month’s entire bill. A compromise now will help keep the peace during the holidays, without sending the message that you’ll be a “softy” who caves in every time the issue comes up in the future.

Here’s one more way to avoid a fight over money this season: Assign control, and then butt out.

For example: Let’s say your family has agreed to organize a Christmas party. Divide up all the tasks evenly, so that one person handles food, another handles decorations, and so on. Then, once you’ve agreed to a task, do that one job and keep your nose out of what everyone else is doing! Economists call that a “trade and property rights” agreement. It’s a way of giving everyone an equal right to make decisions on their own, without being second guessed at every turn.

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

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What? Uh-uh. No more. Start making yourself heard.

Sometimes feel like you're talking to a brick wall, or- remember this one? You "might as well spit in the wind" as explain- again!- how to hand-dry sweaters...not throw them in the dryer on the settings meant for jeans! Or sitting in the stylist's chair wondering just what part of "trim" did the hair-hacking stylist not understand? And weren't you the one who first brought up the idea that just flew from your colleague's lips and is now "the most genius thing" your boss has ever heard?

Some people, it seems, could command attention while reciting a list of fertilizer chemicals; others are ignored no matter what they have to say. "There's a whole skill set involved in being heard," says John Gray, PhD, author of Why Mars and Venus Collide, and Oprah contributor. It all starts with noticing how others are reacting to you. If you've been one to suffer in silence, as they say, harboring resentment because your loved ones don't seem to hear you, that's no good! Start here to develop a few new talking points:

1. When you're trying to be helpful, do others avoid making eye contact with you? Do they interrupt or show little interest in your point of view? You may be coming across as a know-it-all, or your advice could sound like criticism, Gray says. Eventually people may stop listening to your ideas altogether. Next time you have a suggestion, try asking, "Would you like to know what I think?" Or "I have a different perspective—would you like to hear it?"

2. While you're talking, do people check their BlackBerries or make you feel like you're wasting their time? Tony Alessandra, PhD, author of Charisma: Seven Keys to Developing the Magnetism that Leads to Success, says you may be losing your audience due to a discrepancy in communication styles. "Some people respond to emotion and storytelling, while others need you to get to the point," he explains. Note how fast the other person speaks and try to match his speed: If you talk too slowly to a fast-paced communicator, his mind may wander; if you talk too rapidly to a slower-paced person, he may feel flustered and tune out.

3. Do friends drift off while you're pouring your heart out? According to Gray, many women like to commiserate—talking about problems not in order to fix them but simply to share them as a way to reduce stress. But some people- yes, particularly men- hear such talk as a burdensome request for help. "Let your friend or coworker know that you just want to vent for a few minutes about what's going on," Gray advises, "and tell him that he doesn't have to say or do anything about it. That releases him from assuming that he must offer a solution."

4. No matter what, you can't go wrong by showing interest in what other people say and making them feel important. In other words, the better you listen, the more you'll be listened to. 

We all deserve to know that our ideas, our desires, our feelings are heard, and matter, especially with those we're closest to. Know what? That time of year when new ideas about how we want our new year to be come to mind is not so far away. If you've walked away from a conversation, or a situation that has made you feel invisible, remember how much your voice matters. THEN PRINT THIS OFF, READ IT AND PRACTICE THE IDEAS DAILY! You hear me?

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

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If yelling has become your stand in for spanking, you need to read this.

Parenting has changed a lot in the last few decades. These days it’s taboo for parents to hit or spank their children when they’ve been bad. However, social taboos don’t stop almost 90% of parents from yelling when they get frustrated or upset. Basically, according to the New York Times, shouting is the new spanking, and it’s having a harmful effect on our kids.

Most parents have been there. That moment when your eight year old throws a fit because you won’t buy them a toy. You lose your cool, but spanking is out. Recent studies have found that spanking children can slow down their intellectual development and lead to aggression when they get older. So parents are left with nagging or time-outs. According to parenting expert Amy McCready, when they realize that those strategies aren’t working, they start yelling out of utter frustration. Yelling can’t be as bad as spanking right? Well, psychologists think yelling does harm children because they perceive it as a sign of rejection from their parents. They also focus on the emotion – anger or rage – and not the message you’re trying to get across. Yelling can also damage the trust between you and your child – as well as their self-esteem.

So how can you parent without yelling? Hal Runkel the author of Scream Free Parenting has some ideas. He says when you feel a yell coming on, give yourself a time out. Leave the room until you’ve cooled off and spend that time thinking up an appropriate consequence for what they did. Runkel says you should give kids a choice. For example, they can either put their toys away now or lose them for a week. Make sure you follow through. Or, develop a look that your child knows is a signal that they need to STOP what they’re doing. However, for this to work, you need to be loving and open with your kid the rest of the time, and you should only use the look when you’re angry, so they don’t get confused. Finally, try lowering your voice rather than raising it. Your child will be distracted from what they’re doing  because they have to strain to hear you.

But what about when it's your child who's the volume behind the screaming and overall defiance? Let's break down the most common age groups when you find yourself at wits end with your child- this comes from Parents magazine:

Ages 2-5: The Preschool Years- Help them learn to solve problems

How can you tell the difference between defiant behavior and a child who is simply trying to assert his independence? Keep in mind that the first signs of autonomy are a natural development at this age. When a preschooler says "You're stupid," it's usually in response to being chastised ("You can't hit your brother") or being given a directive he does not want to follow at that moment ("We have to get ready to go now").

Don't overreact. "Do you want to win the 'battle' or change the behavior?" asks Cynthia Whitham, associate director of the Parent Training Program at the University of California at Los Angeles. If your child yells "You're a dummy!" and runs out of the room when you ask her to turn off the TV, you should let your child know such language is not acceptable, but do not dwell on it. "This isn't about winning," says Whitham. "You just want to stop the behavior." Ignoring negative behavior after a brief, but firm, reminder that your child's words hurt your feelings can have more impact than starting a prolonged battle of wills.

Think creatively. When Chris Stout, Ph.D., chief of psychological services at the Illinois Department of Human Services in Chicago, was selecting clothes for his son, the 4-year-old said "I hate those" when he looked at the pants. "I asked why," Dr. Stout recalls, "and he told me, 'I only like pants with pockets.' Since there weren't any clean ones, I suggested he wear a fanny pack or backpack and pretend that he had pockets." The idea refocused his son's attention on finding a solution and also let him know that his dad took his concerns seriously. "When your child can't have his way," Dr. Stout advises, "ask yourself, how can we problem-solve around this?" Take immediate action and follow up later. Children are entitled to their opinions but they're not entitled to trample on other people's feelings.

6-9 Year-olds: Model Respect, Not Retaliation

When your 7-year-old resorts to back talk or name-calling, it's easy to think she's being nasty. "When a child insults us, we often decide 'she did it to hurt us,'" says Peter Goldenthal, Ph.D., of the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia, author of Beyond Sibling Rivalry: How to Help Your Child Become Cooperative, Caring and Compassionate. "But kids that age are not thinking about the effect they have on their parents. They're thinking about themselves and how they can get attention."

Talking back isn't always bad. "In some ways we really want our children to be able to talk back," notes Constance Katz, Ph.D., supervisor of child and adolescent psychology at William Alanson White Institute in New York City. "Our culture values independence of opinion and we don't want to destroy that quality in our children."

The problem occurs, she notes, when the child's opinion is communicated in a tone that conveys anger, contempt, or dismissiveness. We need to teach our children to get across what they are trying to say without resorting to a harsh or resentful tone of voice. Remember to consistently treat your child with respect so that he will learn how to treat others that way. "If you want your child to respond to your requests respectfully, you need to model that," advises Dr. Katz. "Say you ask your 7-year-old to take out the trash and he snaps back, 'Do it yourself.' If you retort 'You're a brat,' you've moved into the area of character attack," Dr. Katz points out. Instead of stooping to your child's level, treat him with respect by saying, "Hey, cleaning up can be a drag. Want me to give you a hand?" The point is to remind your child that he's part of a family and that respecting one another and pitching in to help out is what all family members must do.

9-12 Years- Straightforward talk with your preteen:

If you find your child habitually makes negative remarks, confront the problem head-on, advises Dr. Goldenthal. But avoid saying something like "Why are you always making those negative comments?" Your child is likely to interpret the question as an accusation, which will only make her defensive. Instead, suggests Dr. Goldenthal, "try saying, 'You seem really angry with me lately, and I'd like to find out what's bothering you.' Kids respond well to sincerity."

Once your child starts to open up, let him know that you hope the next time something is bothering him he'll tell you about it instead of making sarcastic remarks that hurt your feelings and don't solve the problem. When kids are sarcastic, "try turning away and focusing your attention elsewhere," advises Whitham. "Why dignify sarcasm with any response?" The remarks will stop, she says, if you do this consistently.

How about the Gloucester, MA mom, who picked up her 10-year-old daughter from cross-country track practice one afternoon, and asked "How was your day?" Her daughter shot back, "You're on time, unlike usual." Instead of chastising her daughter for her criticism, the mom calmly replied, "Yup, I'm trying to be on time more often, sweetie, and I think I'm getting better at it."

Her daughter immediately softened, Mom recalls. "A lot of tension seemed to melt away." Instead of dwelling on her daughter's insolence, the mother was willing to focus on the truth in her child's statement to successfully avoid a battle. Humor can often have the same effect in turning around your child's mood.

When your child continues to talk back, despite your efforts, you may want to try what Whitham calls the "broken record" technique. With older children, says Whitham, "talking back is basically a bad habit used as a diversionary tactic to wear down parents." To break the pattern, simply repeat, very calmly, a short phrase that clearly states your position. For example, your 12-year-old is arguing that he wants to hang out at the mall with his friends. "Why can't I go?" he pleads. "The subject is closed," you say. "You never let me do anything." "The subject is closed." You may also need to establish a clear consequence. For example, "If you bring it up again, you lose an evening of TV." It won't be long before your son gets tired of the routine and makes other plans. "When a child is ticked off, no amount of reasoning is going to win the agreement," says Whitham. "Ultimately, parents need to realize they have the right not to be screamed at." It probably bears repeating- up to the top of this story, that your best example to your child is you- not screaming at them, either.

As children grow, talking back is a part of the constant struggle between dependence and autonomy. When mouthing off becomes chronic, says Braun, you need to seek out the underlying reasons for such behavior. If the child is talking back at school, too, it may be time to find a family counselor to discuss the root of the child's anger. Most of the time, however, "talking back is about testing limits, learning what is and isn't okay," says Dr. Stout. When you help your child develop the ability to express her opinions without trampling other people's feelings, you give her a valuable skill that will serve her well throughout her life.

If you have a child in any of these age group, as the father of a teenage daughter- who I love with all my heart- let me just say- I think this is some pretty sound advice! Have a terrific Monday!

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

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Your children may be stressed. How to help them be stress-free.

It's not exactly new news to us in this last year, or more, that adults are reporting sky-high levels of stress- even those who'd not felt high levels of anxiety previously. Home foreclosures, job losses (now the leading cause of the highest unemployment numbers we've seen in decades), health care benefits losses...this list can seem insurmountable sometimes! Our economic turndown has taken a huge toll on us- but on our children, too! Kids already have plenty to get stressed about: homework, cliques, sibling rivalry. And as news about the economy, natural disasters, and terrorism fills the airwaves and dinner-table conversations, it's almost impossible for children not to pick up on their parents' stress as well.

"I have kids tell me that they’re worried about the environment and the economy," says clinical child psychologist Mark L. Goldstein, Ph.D., an adjunct professor at the Chicago School of Professional Psychology. Children have a different reaction to stress than adults. They may lose concentration and get stomachaches and more frequent colds. A study done at the University of Rochester Medical Center found that children whose families are under stress experience more fevers. But MSN Kids' Health & Fitness suggests starting with yourself, and working your way down to fine some concrete ways to help them—and you—get a grip.

1. Troubleshoot your own stress

Eight out of 10 Americans say the economy is a significant source of stress in their lives, according to an American Psychological Association survey. Those fears can spread to our kids. "Children turn to parents in order to get a sense of what's going to happen," says Deborah Belle, director of the human-development doctoral program at Boston University. Taking a time out, whether it's a walk or a long hot bath, will calm you down and offer an example of a healthy reaction to stress. Put off difficult conversations with your spouse until after your kids have gone to bed.

2. Be firm about activity-overload

Kids are way overbooked these days. "I met with the family of an 11-year-old who was in a dozen different activities," says Dr. Goldstein. "She wasn't sleeping, her nails were bitten, and she was wetting her bed." When he recommended that she drop some of the activities, her parents protested that she loved them all. But parents have to make the decision of what's best. His rule of thumb: "One sport, one other activity, plus any religious education your child may be taking."

3. Bump bedtime up by half an hour

A 2006 National Sleep Foundation poll found that children hit the sheets about 30 minutes past their official bedtime. Plus, they may need much more sleep than you think, says Jodi Mindell, Ph.D., associate director of the sleep center at the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. Preschoolers need 11 to 13 hours a night, 5- to 12-year-olds require 9 to 11 hours, and kids 13 and up need about 8 1/2 to 9 1/2 hours. If there's a TV in your child's room, yank it, says Dr. Mindell. "The light suppresses production of relaxing melatonin and makes them less sleepy."

4. Encourage kids to move more

Children in America are exercising less than ever before. This inactivity decreases production of the hormones that help regulate stress. If your children don't play team sports or run around outside with friends, institute family activities such as an after-dinner walk or a weekend bike ride.

And just think what a little more sleep for yourself, and a little more activity with your kids could do for your own stress level? Can we say LOWER??

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

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How's your child's school year so far- drug free? Find out.

As another school year is now not such a new thing, your family has probably settled into some routines and habits to keep things running smoothly for everyone- maybe you've got a daily, or weekly, checklist. Homework due dates? Check. Upcoming projects? Questions to ask your child about drugs and alcohol? Get it on the list! 

No matter how challenging, or easy, the school year seems to be, or what the daily routines of all in your family, you must devote time to include conversations about substance use, including your "zero tolerance" stance. Research shows that adolescents are at a higher risk of first-time use during periods of "change," in order to cope with stress. A new school year may bring many new changes: new grade, new school, new teachers, new coaches or new friends. Don't let these common tween changes cause your child to experiment with substances. Parents and mentors: here's how to start.

• Talk. Be clear that using alcohol, tobacco or other drugs is not acceptable. Let your child know that you would be very disappointed if he/she chose to use.
• Listen. Provide opportunities for your child to talk about changes happening in their world. Ask open-ended questions like, "How are you feeling about the new school year?"
• Help build confidence. Teach your child how to "break the ice" with new people, by asking things like, "What were you up to this summer?"
• Be a role model. Set a good example by being a consistent, positive presence in your child's life.

Looking for the right time, the right place, the right way, to have this conversation? You may never find such a moment; you have to make the time for it, and simply dig in.  Although drug addiction and alcoholism isn't likely to be a hot topic around your Thanksgiving table this holiday, you may find an easy way to open up the conversation over another point of the weekend. With time off school, and possibly some time off work, a visit over the river and through the woods to grandmother's house could be the way to bring up a difficult subject. It is important to know your family's history of substance use and abuse and to share that information with your child.

While there are a number of factors that determine a child's risk associated with substance abuse, there is strong scientific evidence that substance addiction is partially genetic. Does that mean that if you're an alcoholic, your child is destined to be an alcoholic? No. But, a child whose biological parent or grandparent has been addicted to drugs or alcohol is at a four-time greater risk for becoming an "addict."  And due to the nature of "addiction," and its tie to the brain, if a person is biologically at greater risk for alcoholism, he or she is equally at greater risk for addiction to other substances as well.

Talk To Your Child (Without Judgment) About:

Family History: "Grandpa has heart disease and alcoholism."

Health Risks: "Because of Grandpa's health history, you are at an increased risk of developing not only heart disease, but becoming addicted to drugs or alcohol."

Lifestyle Choices: "You may never get heart disease or become addicted to alcohol. But, the choices you make can help to protect you. To prevent heart disease, it is important you eat right, exercise and maintain a healthy weight. To prevent alcoholism, it is important that you not consume alcohol as a minor. Not only am I fully against underage drinking, but research shows that the earlier a person begins drinking, the more likely that person is to develop an addiction. Even as an adult, if you chose to drink alcohol, you will need to be extra careful, given our family history."

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

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All the single ladies? All the single men, too. Lots of singles- but do they want to stay that way?

Attention singles. If you feel like you can’t find someone who wants to settle down, you’re right! According to experts, single folks are now in the majority. 51% of the households in America are filled with unmarried people. Add to that, Stephen Mason, PhD, recently wrote in Psychology Today about filling in for a colleague in leading a psychotherapy group called Living Life as a Long-Time Single. Mason says the group that turned out that evening was evenly divided between males and females and their ages varied enough to make it a well-rounded group of people. That being the case, he was "blown away by the response to my very first question. When I asked how many would willingly trade 'singledom' for 'coupledom' they were unanimous in wanting to switch." There was, of course, the requirement that the Significant Other should be a real sweetheart, great catch, etc., but Mason says it still came down to the fact that nobody in the room was there by choice. In the best of worlds, they would all have been home with Mr/Ms Right. So here are the answers to 3 questions about why people stay single. And how they can find someone who wants to commit. These come from Jillian Straus, author of the book Unhooked Generation.

• Question #1: Why is it so hard for people to settle down? Straus says the biggest reason people are scared to commit is because they don’t want their marriage to fail. Today’s singles are the first generation to be heavily affected by the rise in divorce – which boomed in the 70s and 80s. Prior to that, divorce was still considered shameful. 
• Question #2: How can people be more positive about committing? Straus says people need to stop thinking “Am I missing out on someone better?” Trends like internet dating let singles connect with tons of potential mates, so they’re always left wondering if there’s something better out there. But the grass is never greener on the other side of the fence. When you get to the other side, and see it up close, you see that someone else’s lawn has the same weeds and bald spots yours does. The lesson is to appreciate what you’ve got, instead of dreaming of what you don’t have. So if the person you’re dating meets 8 out of 10 requirements on your list – stick with them. You’ll never find someone who gets 10 out of 10. Also, would you want to be judged as harshly as you’re judging others? Probably not. If you want to be loved “warts and all” – you have to do the same.

So how can you get a relationship off on the right footing? You have to let potential mates know exactly what you want; people aren’t mind readers. Relationships are about communication, and if you can’t speak your mind early on, you’re going to have a hard time in any serious relationship. So, if you want to have Mexican food for dinner, but you answer ‘I don’t care’ when your date asks where you want to eat, don’t get upset if you end up at an Italian restaurant.  You do care; saying you have no preference isn't putting a real you out in front. David Steele, author of Conscious Dating, says that people put more effort into buying a car than selecting a mate. When they do meet someone, they make impulsive decisions based on desperation, or fleeting feelings. So, here are his tips on how to stop hoping for love, and become a conscious dater who’s actively looking for it:

• First, know who you are and what you want. Think of yourself as an iceberg. The “everyday” you is the part that sticks up out of the water. And the real you is the 90 percent that’s hidden from view. So, sit down with a piece of paper, and ask your hidden self a few questions. Like, what new places, activities, and experiences would you like to try? And where do you see yourself 5 years from now in work, family, and fun? That’s the person you should be selling to the world, and the person who really does have a preference between Mexican or Italian food for dinner.
  
• Then, become the partner you’re looking for. Grab your “wish list,” pick an activity, and make plans to do it. Whether it’s trying spicy Indian food, bungee jumping off a bridge, or sitting under a waterfall on a tropical island. If you do what you love, you’re more likely to run into someone who loves it, too. And voilà – an instant connection!
• Strengthen your relationship skills with your family, friends, and co-workers. Bottom line: The better you are at relationships in general, the better you’ll be at creating - and holding onto - a relationship when you finally meet “The One", or...maybe being single won't feel so much like a void in your life when these relationships become stronger.

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

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Parenting lessons every father should know...and practice.

Fathering your children is the most important thing you’ll ever do in this lifetime. Sometimes the role of the father is downplayed, but the statistics are endless: kids who grow up without a father are more likely to be high school dropouts, end up in prison and abuse drugs. The lessons we learn from our fathers turn us into the men and women we grow up to be. So from the folks at Rodale Publishing here are four great parenting lessons that every father should know!

• Talk to your kids all the time. According to a study in the Journal of Applied Psychology, children learn language skills more from their fathers than from their mothers. So talk to them about everything and use big words. They might not know what they mean now, but they’ll learn a lot just by listening.
• Stay calm in the face of tantrums. When your kid is screaming, don’t get worked up. It just makes the situation worse, and handing over a treat to get them to stop, only reinforces bad behavior. Instead, listen to them and calmly whisper your response to what they’re saying. Just because your kid did something idiotic doesn’t mean you have to act like an idiot too. Instead, lean over to them, put your lips close to their ear, and whisper. ”I’m very disappointed in the way you’re acting.” You’ll get your message across. Bringing down the volume makes sure your kids don’t get the drama they’re looking for.
• Help your kids understand that quitting can be even harder than finishing. Hal Runkel, author of Scream Free Parenting, says when his son wanted to quit baseball he told him he could, BUT he had to tell the coach AND all his teammates. His son couldn’t do it. He’s been playing and loving it for seven years.
• Let kids have a little independence, but make them earn it! Studies say when kids have more freedom and responsibility they develop stronger morals more quickly. So it’s okay to let your kid stay out a little later, as long as they understand that there are rules and consequences for breaking them. So, when your kids asks to stay late at a friend’s house, ask them why. If they don’t have a good answer, it’s OK to say no.

So what do you think, Dad? Got a few minutes today to think about this, and a little more  time this weekend to put some of these lessons into action (yes, even if you already do- little more push- know what I'm saying?) Can you envision a point in your life at which you can say, "There- my job as Dad is done."? End of story- share a great weekend with your family, and it'll end up being a better one for you, I'm just willing to bet!

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

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Trick your teen? The treat you'll find is better communication.

It’s a fact: teens trick their parents from time to time. Experts say it’s normal for teens to stretch rules, take risks and try out some trickery (just think back to when you were a teen- go ahead- breathe that sigh of relief that you came out all right!) But there are some key things parents can do to keep their young tricksters safe and healthy. With Halloween around the corner, why not roll up your sleeves and do some productive tricking — and treating — of your own?

Here are 10 ways parents can reduce teen mischief and encourage a healthy relationship with their teen on Halloween and beyond from The Partnership for a Drug-Free America.

1. Trick your teen into talking.

Make time to talk with your teen every day, so it becomes routine. That way when you have an important topic to discuss, it will be more comfortable and flow more naturally. Chat it up regularly — about celebrities, classmates, the news or anything to help maintain open lines of communication.

Neil I. Bernstein, Ph.D., adolescent psychologist and author, says “If you’re thoughtful and open and expressive, and you’ve developed good communication with your kids all along, it’s going to be an easier ride.”

2. Trick them with your digital savvy.

Bone up on the latest technology and you’ll gain a better understanding of your teen’s  world. Learn to use online social networks like Facebook and MySpace and status update services like Twitter. Texting your teen- except when you know they're driving- is a great non-confrontational way to check in, show your support and stay connected.

Surveys from Kelton Research show that more than half of teens who text message think it has improved their relationship with their parents, and 51 percent of parents who text with their teens agree that they communicate more often.

3. Trick them into taking healthy risks.

It’s natural for teens to want to take risks: Teen brains and bodies are bursting with energy and idealism — even if it doesn't always show. Urge your teen to take healthy risks; He may develop some valuable life skills in the process. First learn what your teen finds exciting and daring and then help him focus on some healthy options. Michael G. Thompson, Ph.D., is a psychologist, school consultant and author who would like to see every teen out in the wilderness, out at a summer camp, out on a ropes course, doing something that’s scarier than what he might have chosen to do himself, which Thompson believes gives teens a big boost in self-respect.  "Even if he has a safety line on him, the fact that he’s out on a rope with a 40-foot drop or something, he’s scared, and he’s pushed. And I do think that takes up some of teenagers’ risk-taking energy.”

4. Trick them into telling you about their day.

“How was your day?” “Fine.” Sound familiar? To get your teen to open up to you, try asking specific, open-ended conversation-starters like these:
• Did any of your classmates do anything funny?
• Tell me about what you read in class.
• Do you think math [or any subject] is too easy or too hard?
• What’s the biggest difference between this year and last year?
• Who did you sit with at lunch?
• Can you show me something you learned (or did) today? 

5. Trick your teen into staying out of trouble.

Encourage your teen to join a club, play a sport or participate in community service — this will give her something structured to do afterschool as well as a wider circle of friends. There may be lots of healthy (and cheap!) opportunities right in your community like trying out for a sports team or auditioning for a play. Try getting ideas at the library, her school, or your place of worship. Marybeth Hicks, a motivational speaker and parenting author, writes, “Kids in middle school can try a lot of new sports and activities and drama and music and lots of things that keep them very busy. A tired middle schooler is a low-risk middle schooler — so we want them to be busy and involved. And as we go along with them in those activities and participate in an appropriate way, they know we’re right with them and they know that they’re safe.”

6. Trick them into following your rules.

Rules don’t alienate kids. Rules about what’s acceptable — from obeying curfews to calling in to tell you where they are — make children feel loved and secure. Explain that you set limits only because you care and not because you don’t trust her. Make sure your teen knows your rules, and understands the consequences of breaking the rules. If she clearly sees the consequences, and views them as fair, she is more apt to follow the rules.

7. Trick them into telling you the truth.

Always be honest with your teen, even when it comes to answering difficult questions. If your teen senses your genuine honesty, he will likely follow your example. Explain to your teen know that honesty is a highly-respected trait, one that requires courage and  independent thought. Tell him that you value his honesty and are willing to listen without making judgments. “Use an open-ended question that is not accusatory but alludes to a possible behavior such as ‘Anything interesting happen at the party last night?’”, advises Vanessa Van Petten, an author and teen expert.

8. Trick them by offering a safety plan.

Imagine you’re a teen and you’ve just done something really dumb like get drunk at a friend’s house. Who are the last people on earth you’d want to find out? Your parents, right? A safety plan gets your teen past that fear by letting him know that you care more about him than about what he does. Even if you think he already knows how you feel,
spell it out for him. Then lay out your plan. Here’s one way to do it:
“Nothing in the world is more important to me than keeping you healthy and safe. That’s one reason I don’t want you to drink or do drugs. But if you ever find yourself in a bad situation- like, you get drunk at a party, or the person who’s supposed to drive you home does- I want you to call me. I don’t care what time it is. I’ll come to pick you up and I won’t ask any questions until the next day. Will you promise to do that for me?”

9. Trick them into feeling good about themselves.

Give your teen lots of praise and positive feedback. Teens need to hear the “good stuff” just like the rest of us. (And they’ll eat up the extra attention, too.) They need to know you can still see beyond the things they do wrong from time to time. Catch them being good and always reward positive, responsible, mature behavior. Richard Catalano, Ph.D., Professor and Director of the Social Development Research Group at The University of
Washington’s School of Social Work, says, “After your teen finishes a task, or at least shows that he really tried, make sure you recognize his effort. That recognition really provides the motivation for kids to continue.”

10. Treat your teen with love and support.

It’s very important that teens feels supported at all times by their parent. Be sure to let your child know that he or she can always count on you and come to you for guidance.
• Reassure your child that she can confide in or seek advice from you when she’s stressed or dealing with a personal issue.
• As frustrated as you may feel sometimes (let’s face it, teens know how to push our buttons), try to speak from a place of love, caring and concern — and express these feelings to your teen.
• Remind your teen that the reason you’re always talking with her and asking questions is because you love her and care about her and want her to be healthy and successful.
• Provide your teen with lots of hugs and kisses- even at the risk of unbelievable embarrassment to them as they duck under your arm to get away!

Think these are some tricks you can take on? Seems like one sweet treat to reach, if you do!

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

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Flu season DON'Ts, and some delicious DOs, too!

Flu season isn't just looming...it's here, and all the headlines are screaming about swine flu – or H1N1. In fact, experts say it could get worse very soon- they're looking for spread of the virus to peak in the next 2-3 weeks- then shortly after, it'll be full steam ahead with seasonal colds and flu. So, here are the flu-season DON’Ts you need to know, courtesy of WebMD:

• DON’T expect a regular seasonal flu vaccine to protect against swine flu. Scientists are hard at work on a separate vaccine. You’ll want to get that when it’s available, but also, you need to get vaccinated against regular flu, which kills about 40,000 people in North America each year.
• DON’T count on a face mask to prevent swine flu. According to the Centers for Disease Control, masks aren’t effective against transmitting viruses - so they won’t help you avoid catching the illness. The CDC does recommend wearing a facemask to avoid spreading germs if you’ll be in close contact with other people. Also, if you wear a facemask, don’t reuse it. Wear it once and then throw it out.
• DON’T hold or attend a swine flu party. At these so-called “parties,” the guest of honor has the H1N1 virus. The supposed logic behind this idea is for everyone to catch the virus so they’ll build up immunity to it. It’s a bad idea, because there’s no way to know whether the swine flu will be serious or fatal to anyone at the party, or anyone they infect. So DON’T intentionally spread the virus.
• DON’T leave home if you’ve got flu-like symptoms. Fever, cough, sore throat, body aches, fatigue, chills, headache, and vomiting could all be symptoms of H1N1. So stay home, and avoid infecting others. The CDC recommends waiting at least 24 hours after your fever breaks.

Like we’ve talked about before here,, the best way to avoid catching the flu this season is to wash your hands (use hand sanitizer when you're unable to lather up), and get a regular-season flu shot. 

But did you know how much you can bolster your body's first line of defense- your immune system- to fight those viruses, including H1N1 swine flu? Great DO advice from AOL Health- it's simply adding certain foods to your diet:

"We're not sure of all the reasons why our bodies break down, but we do know that food can absolutely help to build us up," says Bonnie Taub-Dix, R.D., spokesperson for the American Dietetic Association and weight-loss expert in New York City. "It's so important to prevent illness to begin with by getting enough rest, exercising regularly, following a healthy diet and not skipping meals. These are sure-fire ways to help boost your immune system," she says.

"There's no single food that will do the trick," she says. "Variety is important." Here, Taub-Dix's top foods for flu season.

Garlic
Chopping garlic releases allicin, a sulfer-containing compound that houses a potent antioxidant, says Taub-Dix. "Antioxidants protect cells from free radicals that can damage them, making it harder for cells to fight disease," says Taub-Dix, who suggests adding fresh garlic to sautéed vegetables.

Yogurt and Kefir
Embracing certain kinds of bacteria can actually help your immune system. Yogurt (look for cartons that say they contain "live, active cultures") and kefir, a fermented milk drink made with kefir grains, all have probiotics or "good" bacteria.

In a recent study, probiotic bacteria was actually found to increase the body's immune response to viruses that cause common infections like colds and flus by boosting T-cell production. Yogurt is also high in vitamin D, says Taub-Dix. A separate study found low levels of vitamin D to be associated with a heightened risk for respiratory infections like the flu.

Brazil Nuts
These large nuts are rich in zinc, a mineral known to improve the number of infection-fighting T-cells that also has antioxidant properties. Zinc deficiency has been linked to decreased response to vaccination and impaired immune cell function, especially in the elderly. But don't overdo it: A few of these provide enough zinc for the day, according to Taub-Dix.

Tea
Tea is rich in polyphenols, chemicals found in plant foods that act like antioxidants to protect cells. And while green and white teas are particularly potent, all teas will have some benefit, says Taub-Dix. 

Lean Protein
"Protein is important for tissue repair," says Taub-Dix, who recommends proteins like white meat chicken, low-fat cheese or cottage cheese. Low amounts of protein have also been found to impair the immune system and have negative effects on T-cells.

Citrus Fruits
No surprise here. Taub-Dix recommends pink grapefruits, oranges and mangoes, which are all rich in the antioxidant vitamin C, something our bodies don't produce or store on their own. And says Taub-Dix, "Studies have shown it can decrease the duration of a cold or flu-like symptoms."

If you do begin experiencing flu-like symptoms see your doctor. "Even though I believe that eating these foods regularly can help you stay healthy, they're not a substitute for seeing your health care provider for proper medication when needed," Taub-Dix says.

Arm yourself now with some of this stuff- and with a vaccine (get it?)- it's gonna be a battle, and YOU'RE going to beat the flu this year!

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

Check out the new John Tesh Social Network. You can connect with new friends, post your own blog, visit various forums, upload your favorite John Tesh music and share your photos.  To learn more about how to join, click here.