Yes, yes, we are all unique individuals. But, boy, sometimes our habits and ways of thinking are just plain old human tendency. Say you were practically run off the road this morning by a rude, nearly out of control driver. It's a wonder you made it safely! (Thank goodness!) Bet you're still steamed when you think about it, huh? Or maybe it's something else entirely that gets your blood boiling. What is your normal reaction when people hurt you intentionally? Retaliate! Get even! We're often at our creative best when we're thinking up methods to get even. Pastor Rick Warren understands that this tendency can be in our deepest nature- something pretty difficult to overcome, unless we consciously make a different choice, and the greatest spiritual leaders over all time teach us to make the choice to forgive. Instead of reacting, we should take the initiative to forgive.
In his book, Why Am I Afraid To Tell You Who I Am?, John Powell says he was walking down the street with a friend and they stopped to get a paper. The man selling the paper was discourteous and very rude. As they walked away, John's friend said to the man, "You have a nice day, now!"
John asked his friend, "Is that man always that rude to you?"
"Yes."
"Are you always that nice to him?"
John's friend said, "Yes, I'm not going to let one man ruin my day."
The brilliant African-American scientist, Booker T. Washington, faced prejudice all his life, but he made a very significant choice about how he would handle it: "I will never allow another man to control or ruin my life by making me hate him."
The moment you start retaliating or seeking revenge is the same moment you give up control of your life. You have allowed the person you're angry at to gain control of your life because you are reacting, which is a position of weakness, as opposed to forgiving, which is a position of strength.
So now we understand why we should be forgiving people; how do we get there?
"To understand forgiveness, you must first understand what forgiveness is not," psychiatrist Dr. Ned Hallowell says in his book Dare to Forgive. He explains at Oprah.com that forgiveness it isn't about turning your cheek to someone or running away from the problem. It's not about condoning what the person has done. It doesn't mean that you don't want the offending person to be punished. It doesn't mean that you forget the offense, nor does it mean that by forgiving you tacitly invite bad things to happen again. It doesn't mean that you won't defend yourself.
So what does it mean? Forgiveness is one of those words that we assume we can define, but when asked we sometimes come up blank, so let's think about it a moment: How would you define forgiveness?
The dictionary can help. The American Heritage College Dictionary defines "forgive" as, "To renounce anger or resentment against." It goes back to a Greek root word that means "to set free," as in freeing a slave. Ironically, when we forgive, the slave we free is ourselves. We free ourselves from being slaves to our own hatred.
So what is forgiveness and how can you practice it? Dr. Hallowell shares four steps to help you forgive others.
Pain and Hurt
Dr. Hallowell says the first step to forgiveness is acknowledging what happened.
- Talk to someone you trust and open up about how hurt, sad or angry you may feel. Let your emotions out, and don't apologize for them.
- Don't withdraw or isolate yourself. Stay connected and feel the pain, even though it hurts. With someone there to listen, the pain is more bearable.
Once you've had the chance to vent, you are ready to appeal to your rational side, Dr. Hallowell says.
- Ask yourself: What do you want this pain to turn into?
- Look for the hook. The hook is what is holding you back—it's the portion of the misdeed that is causing you to hold on to your anger and resentment.
- Empathize with the person who hurt you.
- Remember that forgiveness is not the service of condoning. It's a service to yourself—free yourself from the poison of hatred.
Dr. Hallowell says this step is difficult, but you need to analyze your anger and put your life back into perspective.
- Flatten the hook (what's holding you back) and rid yourself of the anger that is keeping you from forgiveness. Praying and mediating can help.
- Take inventory and give thanks for all the things you do have.
- You can imagine vengeance—just don't act on it.
- Think of your future. Know that you and your loved ones will be better off once you have rid yourself of any vengeful thinking.
Dr. Hallowell uses the word "renounce" because your resentful feelings may never permanently go away.
- Acknowledge that your anger can come back.
- If your anger does comes back, go through the process again and flatten the hook to keep moving forward.
- Try to teach others the skill of forgiveness in an empathetic way.
The amazing thing about forgiveness, I think, is that when you have truly set your heart and mind on it...it will happen. Many times we tell ourselves to forgive someone or some transgression, but we may not have taken the steps to place our pain or anger where it cannot hurt us any longer. Once that step is taken- I know- it's a huge step!- but once it is taken...even a genuine start in the process...you will be free, and you will have forgiven.
Email John: johnsblog@teshmedia.com
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