The John Tesh Blog

Why it's so important for us to forgive, and 4 steps to get there.

Yes, yes, we are all unique individuals. But, boy, sometimes our habits and ways of thinking are just plain old human tendency. Say you were practically run off the road this morning by a rude, nearly out of control driver. It's a wonder you made it safely! (Thank goodness!) Bet you're still steamed when you think about it, huh? Or maybe it's something else entirely that gets your blood boiling. What is your normal reaction when people hurt you intentionally? Retaliate! Get even! We're often at our creative best when we're thinking up methods to get even. Pastor Rick Warren understands that this tendency can be in our deepest nature- something pretty difficult to overcome, unless we consciously make a different choice, and the greatest spiritual leaders over all time teach us to make the choice to forgive. Instead of reacting, we should take the initiative to forgive.

In his book, Why Am I Afraid To Tell You Who I Am?, John Powell says he was walking down the street with a friend and they stopped to get a paper. The man selling the paper was discourteous and very rude. As they walked away, John's friend said to the man, "You have a nice day, now!"

John asked his friend, "Is that man always that rude to you?"

"Yes."

"Are you always that nice to him?"

John's friend said, "Yes, I'm not going to let one man ruin my day."

The brilliant African-American scientist, Booker T. Washington, faced prejudice all his life, but he made a very significant choice about how he would handle it: "I will never allow another man to control or ruin my life by making me hate him."

The moment you start retaliating or seeking revenge is the same moment you give up control of your life. You have allowed the person you're angry at to gain control of your life because you are reacting, which is a position of weakness, as opposed to forgiving, which is a position of strength.

So now we understand why we should be forgiving people; how do we get there?

"To understand forgiveness, you must first understand what forgiveness is not," psychiatrist Dr. Ned Hallowell says in his book Dare to Forgive. He explains at Oprah.com that forgiveness it isn't about turning your cheek to someone or running away from the problem. It's not about condoning what the person has done.  It doesn't mean that you don't want the offending person to be punished. It doesn't mean that you forget the offense, nor does it mean that by forgiving you tacitly invite bad things to happen again. It doesn't mean that you won't defend yourself.

So what does it mean? Forgiveness is one of those words that we assume we can define, but when asked we sometimes come up blank, so let's think about it a moment: How would you define forgiveness?

The dictionary can help. The American Heritage College Dictionary defines "forgive" as, "To renounce anger or resentment against." It goes back to a Greek root word that means "to set free," as in freeing a slave. Ironically, when we forgive, the slave we free is ourselves. We free ourselves from being slaves to our own hatred.

So what is forgiveness and how can you practice it? Dr. Hallowell shares four steps to help you forgive others.

Pain and Hurt
Dr. Hallowell says the first step to forgiveness is acknowledging what happened.

• Talk to someone you trust and open up about how hurt, sad or angry you may feel. Let your emotions out, and don't apologize for them.
• Don't withdraw or isolate yourself. Stay connected and feel the pain, even though it hurts. With someone there to listen, the pain is more bearable.

Reliving and Reflecting
Once you've had the chance to vent, you are ready to appeal to your rational side, Dr. Hallowell says.

• Ask yourself: What do you want this pain to turn into?
• Look for the hook. The hook is what is holding you back—it's the portion of the misdeed that is causing you to hold on to your anger and resentment.
• Empathize with the person who hurt you.
• Remember that forgiveness is not the service of condoning. It's a service to yourself—free yourself from the poison of hatred.

Working It Out
Dr. Hallowell says this step is difficult, but you need to analyze your anger and put your life back into perspective.

• Flatten the hook (what's holding you back) and rid yourself of the anger that is keeping you from forgiveness. Praying and mediating can help.
• Take inventory and give thanks for all the things you do have.
• You can imagine vengeance—just don't act on it.
• Think of your future. Know that you and your loved ones will be better off once you have rid yourself of any vengeful thinking.

Renounce Your Anger and Resentment
Dr. Hallowell uses the word "renounce" because your resentful feelings may never permanently go away.

• Acknowledge that your anger can come back.
• If your anger does comes back, go through the process again and flatten the hook to keep moving forward.
• Try to teach others the skill of forgiveness in an empathetic way.

The amazing thing about forgiveness, I think, is that when you have truly set your heart and mind on it...it will happen. Many times we tell ourselves to forgive someone or some transgression, but we may not have taken the steps to place our pain or anger where it cannot hurt us any longer. Once that step is taken- I know- it's a huge step!- but once it is taken...even a genuine start in the process...you will be free, and you will have forgiven.

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

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Things you can't afford to skimp on

The recession has millions of consumers spending less, saving more and paying off debt. Jean Chatzky and Arielle McGowen have the full scoop for us from Oprah.com- there are essentials, my bargain hunter friend, which we should never skimp on.  There are items in any budget that can be scaled back easily, and the fact that we're adjusting to the reality of this economy is definitely good news; do your best, though, to draw a line in the sand, about where your spending shouldn't budge. 

Retirement Planning
The Pension Rights Center counted about 20 corporations in December that announced changes to their 401(k) plans. Many others have discontinued or downsized their traditional pension plans. If your company is still offering matching dollars, keep kicking in money to grab them.

"To get that free money from your employer is so important for the long-term growth of your retirement nest egg. Especially now, with the down market, when you're dollar-cost averaging in at lower prices, that free money has more value in the long run," said Derek Kennedy, a financial planner in Cincinnati.

If your company has cut back, it still pays to contribute. Also consider an Individual Retirement Account. You can get your money out any time and, after five years, use it without penalty for a first-time home purchase.

Insurance
Don't cut your homeowners insurance thinking that because home values have dropped you don't need as much coverage. What you're paying for is the amount it would cost to rebuild your home and replace your belongings. If you need to save, boost your policy's deductible. Raising it to $1,000 from $500 could shave 25 percent off the cost.  

Exercise
Blue Cross Blue Shield of Minnesota just completed a study that found that people who go to the gym at least eight times a month have significantly lower health costs than those who don't. Make a decision to drop your gym membership?  This, you can do.  Drop the exercise, since you aren't going to a gym?  Don't.  You can get those same benefits by going for a brisk walk, running or riding a bike or by spending less than the cost of a monthly gym membership on a pair of dumbbells.

Health care
Some cuts are fine—generic drugs instead of name brand, for instance. But skipping doctor visits is a bad idea, and so is canceling your insurance.  According to a recent Harvard University study (which was done before our current recession, by the way), medical problems caused 62% of all personal bankruptcies filed in the U.S. in 2007.  Another shocker:  78% of those filers had medical insurance at the start of their illnesses, including 60.3% who had private coverage, not Medicare or Medicaid.

"I've seen so many people go through horrendous financial nightmares and even bankruptcy because they don't have health insurance. This is just not one you want to mess with," said Jonni McCoy, author of Miserly Moms: Living Well on Less in a Tough Economy.

Charity
Giving to others can make you feel better about yourself and your situation. If money is tight, donate items you no longer use, give canned goods, shop at thrift stores that benefit a charity or share some of your time. The big point here is not how much you can give, how many items you donate, but the fact that you continue to do so.

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

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True friends...do you have them? Are you one? And just what is a true friend?

In all that spiritual authenticity offers to us, friendship counts as high on the list as we can imagine.  Do you have good friendships?  The deeper question beyond that, is, do you offer good friendship?  My good friend, Rick Warren, shares his insights about what it really means to commit to being a friend, and accepting friendship.  Here is some of what Rick offers from Purpose Driven Connection:

Authentic friendship is not superficial, surface-level chit-chat. It's genuine, heart-to-heart, sometimes gut-level sharing.

It happens when people get honest about who they are and what is happening in their lives. They share their hurts, reveal their feelings, confess their failures, disclose their doubts, admit their fears, acknowledge their weaknesses, and ask for help and prayer.

Authenticity is the exact opposite of what you find in many of the societal circles we follow. Instead of an atmosphere of honesty and humility, there is pretending, role-playing, politicking, superficial politeness, and shallow conversation. People wear masks, keep their guard up, and act as if everything is rosy in their lives. Most of us have experienced enough- especially lately, in the woes and challenges our entire country has been facing, to know that we're all capable of hiding hurts and fears, resentments and pain.  These attitudes do nothing to foster real friendship.

It's only as we become open about our lives that we experience deep, and honest, friendship.

So many of us behave as if true intimacy doesn't have a place in our "friendships"- that it only meaningfully occurs in our other, seemingly closer relationships.  We tend to use this belief to hide our hurts, faults, fears, failures, and flaws.  But we're hiding who we really are! Being a friend, in full light and candidness, is bringing the deepest parts of who we are- warts and all, as they say- out into the open and admit who we really are.

Of course, being authentic in our friendships requires both courage and humility. It means facing our fear of exposure, rejection, and being hurt again.

Why would anyone take such a risk?  Bask in the comfort and encouragement of a true friend's heart, and you'll know why.  In the end, it's the only way to grow spiritually and be emotionally healthy.

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

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Why Should You Be A Giving Person?

Why do we give to charity organizations?  What's our real motivation? 

Some people could argue that most giving is based on selfish motivations - to be noticed, applauded, or given credit.  However, if we look a little deeper in our hearts we may find  other reasons why we give our money to non-profit organizations.

Here are seven reasons why we like to give to charity:

•Hope.  I enjoy donating to various world-relief organizations with the hope that life will get better for other people facing tragedy.  There are too many people living in impoverished conditions who feel powerless to control their situation.  Giving money to a non-profit group provides a sense that I may have brought hope to someone who had given up on life.

•Connection. People like to give to groups they're associated with.  Christians like to give to evangelical projects or organizations. Giving tends to pull us out of isolation and makes us feel we are part of something bigger than ourselves.   However, it is also healthy to give to groups that are not religious in nature. 

•Friends. If friends ask their friends to donate to a charity they're familiar with, they will most likely make a donation. One reason why people don't give is because they're not asked to.  Researchers have found that most people are eager and ready to give, but may not be expected to donate so they don't.  So, ask your friends to give to a charity that you've been supporting and trust in their work.

•Sacrifice.  One reason why people don't give more money is because they can't.  Fixed costs in incomes have increased from 54 percent to 75 percent of family budgets since the 1970s. Now there is less income that is available to give to charities.  Two major financial decisions usually determine how much a family will give - the purchase of a home and the cost of cars. If these material items end up putting a financial lock on a family's budget, their giving is affected. So giving money calls for sacrifice. Consequently, a donor must give up something - size of a house, amount of entertainment, model of car - in order to give to charity.

•Sadness. After 9/11 there was a great outpouring of giving.  People like to give when they are troubled by a tragedy.  Hurricane Katrina.  Sri Lanka Tsunami.  People give sacrificially when a tragedy takes place. They feel their donation may alleviate some of the pain.  This kind of giving is grief-motivated. 

•Making a difference.  When a person can see that their donation makes a direct impact on someone's life, they're more motivated to give. We find it rewarding to donate to a group like Habitat for Humanity because we can see the homes that are built for the needy as a result of our dollars.

•Faith.  According to a recent study by Christianity Today, American Christians give only a small portion of their money towards religious causes.  Actually, a quarter gives away no money at all and only 6 percent of after-tax income belonging to churchgoers goes to charity.  So guilt or obligation is not enough to motivate people to give.  The only reason for a religious person to give is based on their trust in God without any reward attached. We give to the Lord simply because we love Him. 

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

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Which Charity Should You Give To?

At this time of the year we're surrounded by well-meaning and worthy charities wanting our donations.  It's getting harder and harder to make a choice which charity to give to. How do you know where to give to?

In today's blog I want us to ask several questions that will help us decide which charity to support. From an article in a recent Christianity Today, several tips guide us on how to decide which organization will get our donation:

•Where should I send my money to?  This question is answered with a question, "What are you most passionate about?"  Relief organizations, educational endeavors, medical outreaches or community development? There are also many religious groups dedicated to missionary goals that may be more appealing to you.  

Trusting charitable groups is very important and you should ask questions about an organization.  Check out various groups. For example, here are two websites having a powerful impact on people's economic well being:  Center for Global Development and The Girl Effect.  Also, visit World Vision for a whole new approach to Christmas gift giving.

To be a good giver, you should be proactive  and not wait until your mailbox is stuffed with appeals.  Usually, you end up giving as a knee-jerk reaction instead of giving after researching organizations that peak your interest. 

Perhaps you want to give to people-focused charities - food banks, homeless shelters and utility assistance programs.  You can also find organizations where you can be directly involved. Sponsor a child with World Vision.  Volunteer your time to help build a house with Habitat For Humanity.  This way you can see your donation money at work.

•Is the charity doing its job?  You should familiarize yourself with an organization you want to support.  Do you agree with the vision of the organization?   If you support a group like the International Justice Mission - a group that secures justice for victims of slavery, sexual exploitation and other forms of violent oppression - get on their mailing list and stay up on what they're doing. Are they being effective?  

•Does the charity use its money wisely?  According to Christianity Today "most charities spend 75 percent of its budget on programs and only 25 percent on fund raising and overhead."  If you support a charity, be sure it has well-articulated goals that are attainable.  Rather than generalities, you should be looking for organizations that speak in specifics like listing the number of homes they will build in the following year or how many loans they will give to people to start new businesses in impoverished areas. 

•Are the claims of the charity factual?   An organization that refuses to be open and transparent or share basic information should be viewed as suspicious.  If you feel the group is refusing to comply with your questions, you may want to move on to another non-profit charitable organization.  Other red flags, according to Christianity Today are exorbitant salaries, lawsuits, emotional appeals, pressuring for an immediate decision to give money or asking for cash. 

You must do some research on any charity you want to support. If you need additional help, try guidestar.com and charitynavigator.com.

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

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