The John Tesh Blog

All the single ladies? All the single men, too. Lots of singles- but do they want to stay that way?

Attention singles. If you feel like you can’t find someone who wants to settle down, you’re right! According to experts, single folks are now in the majority. 51% of the households in America are filled with unmarried people. Add to that, Stephen Mason, PhD, recently wrote in Psychology Today about filling in for a colleague in leading a psychotherapy group called Living Life as a Long-Time Single. Mason says the group that turned out that evening was evenly divided between males and females and their ages varied enough to make it a well-rounded group of people. That being the case, he was "blown away by the response to my very first question. When I asked how many would willingly trade 'singledom' for 'coupledom' they were unanimous in wanting to switch." There was, of course, the requirement that the Significant Other should be a real sweetheart, great catch, etc., but Mason says it still came down to the fact that nobody in the room was there by choice. In the best of worlds, they would all have been home with Mr/Ms Right. So here are the answers to 3 questions about why people stay single. And how they can find someone who wants to commit. These come from Jillian Straus, author of the book Unhooked Generation.

• Question #1: Why is it so hard for people to settle down? Straus says the biggest reason people are scared to commit is because they don’t want their marriage to fail. Today’s singles are the first generation to be heavily affected by the rise in divorce – which boomed in the 70s and 80s. Prior to that, divorce was still considered shameful. 
• Question #2: How can people be more positive about committing? Straus says people need to stop thinking “Am I missing out on someone better?” Trends like internet dating let singles connect with tons of potential mates, so they’re always left wondering if there’s something better out there. But the grass is never greener on the other side of the fence. When you get to the other side, and see it up close, you see that someone else’s lawn has the same weeds and bald spots yours does. The lesson is to appreciate what you’ve got, instead of dreaming of what you don’t have. So if the person you’re dating meets 8 out of 10 requirements on your list – stick with them. You’ll never find someone who gets 10 out of 10. Also, would you want to be judged as harshly as you’re judging others? Probably not. If you want to be loved “warts and all” – you have to do the same.

So how can you get a relationship off on the right footing? You have to let potential mates know exactly what you want; people aren’t mind readers. Relationships are about communication, and if you can’t speak your mind early on, you’re going to have a hard time in any serious relationship. So, if you want to have Mexican food for dinner, but you answer ‘I don’t care’ when your date asks where you want to eat, don’t get upset if you end up at an Italian restaurant.  You do care; saying you have no preference isn't putting a real you out in front. David Steele, author of Conscious Dating, says that people put more effort into buying a car than selecting a mate. When they do meet someone, they make impulsive decisions based on desperation, or fleeting feelings. So, here are his tips on how to stop hoping for love, and become a conscious dater who’s actively looking for it:

• First, know who you are and what you want. Think of yourself as an iceberg. The “everyday” you is the part that sticks up out of the water. And the real you is the 90 percent that’s hidden from view. So, sit down with a piece of paper, and ask your hidden self a few questions. Like, what new places, activities, and experiences would you like to try? And where do you see yourself 5 years from now in work, family, and fun? That’s the person you should be selling to the world, and the person who really does have a preference between Mexican or Italian food for dinner.
  
• Then, become the partner you’re looking for. Grab your “wish list,” pick an activity, and make plans to do it. Whether it’s trying spicy Indian food, bungee jumping off a bridge, or sitting under a waterfall on a tropical island. If you do what you love, you’re more likely to run into someone who loves it, too. And voilà – an instant connection!
• Strengthen your relationship skills with your family, friends, and co-workers. Bottom line: The better you are at relationships in general, the better you’ll be at creating - and holding onto - a relationship when you finally meet “The One", or...maybe being single won't feel so much like a void in your life when these relationships become stronger.

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

Check out the new John Tesh Social Network. You can connect with new friends, post your own blog, visit various forums, upload your favorite John Tesh music and share your photos.  To learn more about how to join, click here.

Think Winter's just for snow sports? Saying "I do" could be just the sport for you.

The thing is, once a couple has made promises to one another for a life made together, in the end, it really doesn't matter where, does it? Well, of course, it does, to some degree. Couples have visions of how they want to share their special day with friends and family. And warm weather months certainly hold a great deal of promise for sunshine, and colorful new blossoms of flowers. Guest attendance comes into play, also, making summer the peak season for weddings. But MSN Money lays out some different perks for couples who marry in the winter- namely huge savings.

Peak wedding season falls between May and October in most of the U.S., says Richard Markel, the president of the Association for Wedding Professionals International. During that time, most wedding vendors -- including caterers, photographers and limousine companies -- charge the most because their services are in demand. But in the winter, business comes to a standstill, especially in the northern regions hit with particularly harsh weather, and engaged couples have more room to negotiate for lower prices.

During the winter, the number of weddings throughout the country declines by 40% to 50% below that of peak season, Markel says. And of the roughly 2.2 million weddings that take place in the U.S. each year, only 5% occur in January, he says. That winter dip in demand means that couples marrying during the cooler months compete with fewer weddings for vendors.

Couples who are considering a January, February or March wedding still have time to book vendors, Markel says. "Couples have a major opportunity because the number of weddings that occurred in 2009 has been down by about 5%, and bookings for early 2010 are down as well," he says.

(December weddings aren't as cheap because banquet facilities give priority to recurring customers: conventions and companies planning holiday parties.)

Here are the four types of wedding vendors with whom you'll see some of the biggest winter savings.

The Banquet Facility

The largest wedding-related expense is the banquet reception, which can cost more than $10,000, depending on the number of guests, location and menu, Markel says.

Typically, banquet facilities charge a fixed price per person. But between January and March, the total cost often drops between 20% and 50%, Markel says. (The savings will be lower in states that have warm weather throughout the year, like parts of Florida and California.)

Couples who get married in the Meeting House Grand Ballroom, a banquet facility in Plymouth, Mich., will see big price differences. For weddings between January and March, couples will pay Friday prices for a Saturday wedding, says Randy Lorenz, the owner and general manager. For a party of 200 adults, that's a discount of $2,000; the banquet facility also waives its $300 ceremony fee.

However, not all wedding venues are cheaper during the winter than during the spring, summer or fall. Weddings at ski resorts are priciest in the winter, the venues' peak season, says Elise Enloe, the director of education for the Association of Bridal Consultants, a trade group.

Also, facilities that are popular with corporate holiday parties or conventions tend to be busiest during the winter, says LeLani Mandac, a senior catering manager at the Hilton Anaheim in California.

To save with a winter wedding at the Hilton Anaheim, couples will have to reserve the space no more than six months in advance, she says. Couples who choose an available weekend between conventions could receive an upgraded package at no extra cost, like a $70-per-person plated dinner (the facility's priciest package) at a cost of $65 per person, or an additional hour for their wedding celebration, which usually costs $250, for free.

In New York, winter is typically slow for caterers and other wedding vendors, says Andrea Correale, the president of Elegant Affairs, an off-premise catering and event-design company. As a result, couples marrying there have more room to negotiate meal prices during the cooler months. A caterer's price difference between a winter and summer  wedding in New York is, on average, $50 per person, Correale says.

Another option, of course, is to skip dinner. Lunch or brunch can save you 50%.

Flowers

Couples set on a particular color or type of flower should keep an open mind or prepare to drop a lot of cash.

The average cost of wedding flowers ranges from $2,000 to $3,000 in the U.S., says Baxter Phillip, the executive vice president at Phillip's Flowers & Gifts in Chicago. To save with a winter wedding, choose flowers that are in season, like irises, orchids, lilies and most roses, he says. Hydrangeas and peonies are the most expensive in January, and red and white roses are the priciest in the two weeks leading up to Valentine's Day and during the holiday season.

Also, find out where the flowers are coming from. Their starting point and shipping costs factor into the price. Seventy-five percent of wedding flowers (primarily roses) come from South America, whose summer season is our winter, Phillip says. Those flowers often are more affordable for winter weddings in the U.S. than, say, flowers imported from Holland, which shares our winter. Distance is also a factor.

Photography and video

Fewer weddings mean fewer requests for photographers and videographers.

For weddings between December and March, many of these professionals discount their custom packages by as much as 10-25% of identical services for summer weddings.

Transportation

Limos are at their most expensive during prom season and peak wedding season -- periods that winter weddings avoid. So expect to pay 10% to 20% less during the winter than you would in May or June, Markel says.

Many companies lower the price on their fleet of limos and luxury cars for most weekend weddings between the first Saturday after Thanksgiving and the end of March. Couples could see savings in a typical stretch limo- as high as $475 in season, down to $400 in the off months.

The day of the week you choose for your Winter Wedding could save money also. From Sundays through Thursdays during the winter, Reston Limousine, based in Washington, D.C., offers a fourth hour free on any vehicle rental at least three hours.

If you and your "to be" have hearts set on those beautiful warm months, then as long as you have a plan for saving, stay with your original ideas. But if the idea of starting your married life off with a little more money (or, in many cases- a lot less debt!), then consider asking your family and friends to celebrate with you in clothes made of warmer fabrics (and wear a coat!)

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

Check out the new John Tesh Social Network. You can connect with new friends, post your own blog, visit various forums, upload your favorite John Tesh music and share your photos.  To learn more about how to join, click here.

Does your relationship need a tune-up?

Just like our reliable cars that get us where we need to go, day after day, sometimes our relationships are in need of a tune-up, too.  Novelist Aldous Huxley once wrote, "There's only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self."  Well, who wants to start with ourselves, when we can play a blame game with our closest ones? Not the way to go! And Huxley's words sum up the premise of a new book highlighted on Oprah.com by psychiatrist David D. Burns, MD, a pioneer in cognitive behavioral therapy and adjunct clinical professor emeritus at the Stanford University School of Medicine. Feeling Good, Burns' 1980 book about battling (successfully!) depression, was a best-seller. Now, based on new research involving more than 1,000 men and women and 25 years of clinical practice, he's written a sequel—Feeling Good Together: The Secret to Making Troubled Relationships Work.

"You can heal a relationship quickly and dramatically, with mind-blowing effects," Burns says. "But you must be willing to examine your own part in it and to see whether you are actually triggering the very problem you've been complaining about." Not that this is easy. We don't want to see ourselves as the cause of the problem, he says, "because it's painful—it hurts tremendously. But we need to give up blaming the other person, and to focus all our energy on changing ourselves." As extreme as it sounds, Burns insists that no matter how much at fault the other person is, you can't fix him (or her); but in a healthy relationship, once you start changing yourself, your partner will change too.

In Feeling Good Together, Burns writes about a woman who is frustrated with her husband because he won't do his share of the chores; worse, when she tries to get emotionally close to him, he pushes her away. It's a classic case of she nags, he withdraws. One day, while he is making a potato casserole, she repeatedly suggests he use a food processor. He finally snaps, "Don't be so pushy! Leave me alone."

"Does it bother you when I suggest things that may make life a bit easier?" she retorts, stomping off in a huff. But what if, as Burns advises, she had said something like "Honey, it's hard for me to hear you say I'm pushy; I know you're right, and I'm sure it's irritating. I really love you and want to hear more about how you're feeling. But you just asked me to leave you alone, and I understand if you're not in the mood to talk right now." The simple—and courageous—act of finding the truth in what her husband is saying suddenly makes the wife appear neither bossy nor annoying. This truth-seeking skill is central to improving relationships, Burns says. "It's really difficult to see things through the eyes of the other person, but when you do, it's like seeing the Grand Canyon for the first time. You wonder how you could have been missing it all these years." When the wife took Burns's advice and realized she was the one pushing her husband away, she began to cry—a breakthrough that opened the way to intimacy.

Such powerful insights are available to everyone. "If you are willing to change yourself and have a real love for your partner," says Burns, "you can both be reborn."

So, let's start with our tune up for these three pretty common issues plaguing our relationships:

Burns has developed a method called cognitive interpersonal therapy that uses specific tools for different trouble spots. Try them; if you're still at an impasse, Burns says, "it may be time to seek professional help."

1. Your partner gives you the silent treatment.

Burns suggests a technique he calls multiple-choice empathy. This involves saying something like "I notice you don't want to talk to me. Is there something you're upset about? Are you angry with me? Perhaps I haven't been a very good listener, and when you've tried to talk, I've just bossed you around. I'm really sad to realize I've probably been doing this to you." Nine times out of 10, Burns says, the other person will open up because you've taken the blame and let him or her off the hook.

2. Your partner criticizes you.

Burns recommends responding to an attack by turning the criticism on its head, a method called positive reframing. For example, if your husband says you're a control freak, instead of taking the bait, respond with a comment like "You're right; I may have a tendency to be overly controlling" and use it as an opening for discussion. "We seem to be having a conflict right now," you might say, "but as awful as it feels, I'm thinking this could be an opportunity for us to explore a deeper relationship. I love you; with that in mind, tell me more about how you're experiencing this."

3. You both want more intimacy.

Try the one-minute drill. One person starts as the Talker; the other is the Listener. The Talker (your husband, let's say) expresses anything that's on his mind for 30 seconds while you give him your full attention, without interrupting, agreeing, or disagreeing. The idea is to sharpen your listening skills, so after 30 seconds you summarize what he said and he grades your response, from 0 to 100 percent, based on how accurate it is. If the grade is below 95, he points out what you missed or got wrong and you repeat the exercise until he gives you at least a 95. Now switch roles. Almost immediately, says Burns, communication between you will improve.

Look- I, personally, know of no relationship that thrives without effort- without taking a good solid accounting once in awhile to make sure you and your loved ones are where you want to be.  It doesn't have to be horrible, hard work, but it can't be ignored. The tune-ups for our relationships are as important as regular check-ups with your doctor...and way more significant than the tune-up to your car!

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

Check out the new John Tesh Social Network. You can connect with new friends, post your own blog, visit various forums, upload your favorite John Tesh music and share your photos.  To learn more about how to join, click here.

Valentine's Day- so what is romance, anyway?

This weekend is the annual celebration of love, of romance...and according to recent retail polls, $14.7 million on romantic gifts?? 

According to MSN columnist MP Dunleavy, last year, Valentine's Day-observing Americans spent an average of $123 on gifts, according to the National Retail Federation. This year consumers are expected to spend $102.50 on the same stuff as last year:

• About 36% will buy flowers.

• 16% plan to buy jewelry. 

• About half (47%) will eat out.

• 58% will buy cards.

According to the National Confectioners Association, consumers will spend about $1 billion on candy alone.

Oh, my.  That's a lot of sugar in a tight economy!  Dunleavy offers some pretty radical (but really financially sound!) advice for your Valentine celebration this year, and offers the idea that as a country deep in debt, we don't need to spend billions of dollars on tokens of affection.  She suggests that, if you fit "the average", and intend to spend that $102.50, maybe you'd consider giving your loved ones the gift of financial security:

• Make an extra payment to your beloved's credit card account. Take a photo of the check with your cell phone and send it to her with a loving text message: "This one's on me, honey!"

• As a new V Day tradition, add $102.50 to the mortgage payment each year. The find an amortization table to show how much faster you'll pay off your loan, which in some cases, could add up to paying it off 7 months earlier!

• Buy stock. Now is the time to invest that $102.50 in some terrific bargains that are sure to grow when the market bounces back. Which it will. Do it every year, and use the money for something truly special down the road. (If you're a newbie to investing, start with MSN Money's New Investor Center.)

• Sweeten your sweetheart's retirement account, by secretly adding $102.50 to their Roth IRA. Over 30 years, that could add up to an additional $1000.  And wouldn't your Valentine be thrilled by what that really says about your love?

• Pay bills early. Surprise your one and only by paying a couple of the March bills in advance- and even just the smaller ones, like car insurance, electricity, or water bill. 
• And how about this last one, that costs not one single dime:  Hug each other.

Happy Valentine's Day, John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

Check out the new John Tesh Social Network. You can connect with new friends, post your own blog, visit various forums, upload your favorite John Tesh music and share your photos.  To learn more about how to join, click here.

Understanding Your Wife's Loss of Interest in Sex

Last week I posted a blog "Common Sense on the Lack of Sex in Marriage."  After the blog appeared, the e-mails came pouring in . . mostly from men.  Men are asking the question, "Why has my wife lost interest in having physical intimacy?"

These husbands are sincerely trying to figure out why their wife's sex drive has all but shut down.  Off the top of my head I can muster up a few responses - declining hormones, job stress, parental exhaustion, relationship issues and husbands who show little non-sexual attention towards their mates.

The official medical term for this condition is hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD).  According to Associated Counselors and Therapists this disorder is most common in women of all ages.  A recent study revealed nearly one-third of women aged 18-59 suffer from a lost interest in sex.  So if you visit a doctor about your concerns, and he chalks it up to your age, you may have to question the expertise of your MD.

However, before I go further, I am not unaware that men can also lose their interest in physical intimacy for various reasons. However, according to WebMd, because low sex drive affects about half as many men as women, it's not men's top sex problem.   

So what is low sexual desire?   First, HSDD has nothing to do with frequency of intimacy between husband and wife. WebMd is more specific, "It's a lack of interest in sex for several months of the past year."  Medical experts view low sexual desire as the result of an imbalance in your life . . in your relationship .. your life circumstances or your body. 

Putting it plainly,  sex drive has to do with wanting to be sexual.  When the body stops sending signals that point towards lack of interest in physical intimacy, that's where the problem lies.

Does this drive change with age?  The drive may decline with age based on some physiological factors, but this decline is not a signal that the party is over. Instead, the party needs to be spruced up using alternative remedies that can replace a woman's depletion of a needed hormone or enzyme that has to do with her sexual desires. Of course, increasing sexual desire includes a lot more than popping a few vitamins or hormonal supplements.  There are other issues that could come into play as well.

Let's continue this important subject in my next blog. I don't want either the men or the women to miss a thing on this significant topic.

John

Email John: johnsblog@teshmedia.com

Be sure to get your copy of my new book, Intelligence For Your Life:  Powerful Lessons For Personal Growth. I've included quite a lot of information on how to improve the intimacy in your marriage.. You can purchase your copy of my book at your local bookstore or online at Amazon.com or Barnes and Noble.

Is the Guy You're Dating Ready For Commitment?

I hear it from women all the time, "I thought this relationship was going to lead to commitment, but instead I was led on."  Women need to stop investing their lives into men who are still struggling with commitment phobia and instead give their time to men who want a relationship with a future.

Women want to know what to look for in a guy who's ready to get serious.  Being this is a popular issue, I want to share several indicators women can look for to know they've got a commitment-ready guy on their hands.

According to Yahoo! Personals, check out this winning combination for Mr. Commitment:

He hangs around married friends.  Research shows if most of a man's friends are already married, he is more likely to want to get married. However, if the majority of his friends are single, still into the party scene and can't settle on one woman, you can tell your guy is not ready to slip that ring on your left hand.

He's got his financial life under control.  Studies show that if a man owns a home or is taking steps to become a homeowner, that shows he's ready for a long-term relationship.  If your man moves around a lot, still lives with roommates and hasn't even purchased any furniture, he is someone who hardly demonstrates marriage is the next step for him.

He takes the initiative to pursue you. If you want a commitment with a guy who takes several days to return your calls, then you've got Mr. Wrong on your hands.  Also, if a man who claims he's committed to you is perfectly fine with not seeing you during the week or on the weekends, stop wasting your time.  Cease from texting him to see where he is.  You're chasing him and that's not how it's supposed to be. 

He is not in a major rush.  The man who wants to make a commitment to you wants to spend time getting to know you.  You surely don't want to end up with a man who wants to enjoy physical closeness with you, but who really doesn't enjoy you as a person.   

He's there for you when you're feeling ill.  If a guy finds out you are under the weather, and he'd prefer to see you when you're well, then you know he's just hanging around for the fun times . . . and right now you're no fun.  If a man demonstrates lack of compassion, a refusal to take care of you, and can't run errands you can't get to or avoids you during your "bad times," then you better run as fast as you can from him.   

He wants to get to know your family and friends.   When a guy wants to know all about your family, he's thinking on a long term basis.  The best way to get to know a person is to observe them interacting with their friends and family. If he observes you and your sisters fighting and screaming at each other over trivial matters, you're giving him a sign of what he's in for with you. On the other hand, if you hang out with a very sociable crowd and your potential marriage partner is a loner and wants to go to off by himself, you know he's not serious about fitting into your life. 

He is comfortable speaking of a long-term relationship with you. Does he speak about a future with you?  According to a Yahoo! Personals article, watch to see "if he complains all the time about needing space, treats you like a giant burden instead of a gift, and keeps talking about taking things slow."  You want to be with a man who is done with the "party scene" and going to clubs, who wants to spend as much time as possible with you as a couple and talks about having a family with you in the future.

John
Email John:   johnsblog@teshmedia.com

In my new book, Intelligence For Your Life, I have included a major section on dating and marriage. You can purchase your copy of my book at your local bookstore or online at Amazon.com or Barnes and Noble.

How To Keep the Romance in Your Marriage Alive

Young married couples are concerned that the romance they feel in the present will fade over the years.  They don't want the attraction and anticipation they sense today to fade into coldness.

But there's good news.  Romance is a choice.  It's not a feeling that leaves after a year or so.  It is a decision you make everyday to keep it alive. 

One of the biggest mistakes married people make is taking each other for granted and failing to make romance an active pursuit.  It is up to the couple to set the standard for the marriage. 

You may need to make an important distinction between romantic love and romance. Romantic love is that instant high of a new relationship which is great while it lasts, but eventually simmers down. It's soon replaced by the intrusion of everyday life of paying bills, mopping the kitchen floor or changing diapers.

However, there's a foundational love that supercedes all those intrusions.  This foundational love is what romance is built on.  I like what one blogger said, "Romance makes the other person feel good . . .needed . . . appreciated . . . flattered . . . cherished . . . special . . . sexy . . . cared for . . . thought about . . ."

Here's a great tip for men who want to keep the fires of romance burning: most women run on fuel and that fuel is romance.  The ordinary woman wants to be swept off her feet for a night, treated like a woman, pampered, cherished and made the object of someone else's desire and passion.  Without that, the relationship won't stand much of a chance for survival.

So what can we do to preserve the romance in our marriages?

Seal your greetings with a kiss.  A peck on the cheek is nice . . cute.  However, if you really want to add some spice to your marital nest, grab your partner and give him or her a passionate, heart-felt kiss whenever you can. 

Write love notes to one another.  Notes help the person feel loved.  Use post-it notes on the bathroom mirror expressing how beautiful you think your wife looks even before she applies her makeup.  A spicy text message would definitely fill your spouse with anticipation for your evening's homecoming.

Stay ahead of your spouse's needs. If you know she or he has had a hard day at work, do something special to take the stress of the day off their minds. You can prepare a bath for them in a candlelit bathroom.  If you know how much they hate to go to the gas station and fill their car with fuel, do it for them.  Your thoughtfulness will be noticed.

Break up the routine.  You don't need birthdays, anniversaries and holidays to bring your spouse gifts.  Without any other reason other than your love for your partner, surprise them with a special card,  theatre tickets or a a back rub.  Show your mate that you are just nuts over her.  She'll get the message.

Keep God in the center of your marriage.  Having a personal relationship with God is a wonderful way to refuel a struggling marriage.  Why?  Having a relationship with God keeps you on the same page spiritually.  God becomes your source of power and when there is a need for closeness and forgiveness, He can bring two people who enjoy a human intimacy, to spiritual intimacy - being able to pray with one another and share spiritual needs with each other.

Never stop being a servant to your spouse.   Too many couples will do nice and unexpected things for one another, but usually with expecting something in return.  If you are truly serving your spouse, you're not expecting things in return.  You are simply looking for ways you can love, assist, support, praise and please your spouse.

You want the final key to a romantic relationship?   Stay in a mind-set where your spouse is number one to you. He or she comes first and you come second.  This is what sets the stage - along with the flowers, romantic getaways, gifts and candles - for an ongoing lasting romantic relationship.

John
Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

For more information about rekindling the romance in your marriage,  check out my new book, Intelligence For Your Life:  Powerful Lessons For Personal Growth.  You can purchase my book at your local bookstore or on line at Amazon.com or Barnes and Noble.

Six Questions To Ask Before You Marry

This week I want to speak about marriage and relationships on the John Tesh Blog.  The best place to start is to ask: "Why do you want to marry a specific person?"

Here are six questions to ask if you're contemplating marriage with a certain individual:

1. Is the person you want to marry your best friend? Two people in love are excited about each other but that doesn't imply you both are becoming great friends.  You need a friendship bond as the cement of your relationship. The person you marry ought to be the one individual you want to be with the most. You can tell that person just about anything. You also need them the most and you're not ashamed of that bond.

If the person you're contemplating marrying is not your best friend, watch out!  You may eventually seek someone else to be that close friend or the two of you may drift apart.

2. Are you in awe of the person you're going to marry?   Marriage expert and therapist Gary Smalley wants to know, "When you see your spouse, what's your reaction?   Do you dump all your complaints and grievances on her?"  What should you be doing?  Without putting your fiance on a pedestal, whenever you see him or her, you should be in awe of them. That's right!

Your reaction to their presence should be, "I can't believe it's you!  I cannot fathom the fact God has been so good to me to bring you into my life. I am so blessed to be able to love you and to be loved by you."  Remember this:  Those first three minutes when your loved one walks in the door, sets the tone for the rest of the night.

3. Is there a chemistry you both share?   There must be a mutual physical attraction. This component is not to be neglected.  Yes, two people can grow to be sexually attracted to one another.  But if after a period of time, the relationship remains platonic, and there is a lack of sexual tension, you might consider remaining good friends, or you may be asking for trouble down the road.

4. Is the person you're considering marrying have a number of friends and at least one close one?   It's important that the person you're wanting to marry is capable of friendships and able to get close to other people.  You also want to feel comfortable that this person enjoys the company of other individuals and that he will not use your marriage as an opportunity to stifle your friendships and want to possess all your time.  The ability to have same-sex friends is a healthy indicator that your future partner is an all-around emotionally healthy person.

5. Are you paying close attention to how your future partner treats others?   I'm very big on this issue.  Is your loved one kind to servers, employees, family members and anyone else he/she runs into?   If you notice that your potential life partner is unkind to other people . . . especially  strangers, he will act in a similar fashion to you eventually. Quit while you can.

6. Have you asked the hard questions about finances?  There's nothing wrong finding out where your potential mate stands when it comes to how much he is prepared to spend to purchase a home and pay on a monthly basis.  What are some of your financial goals regarding your annual income?  Talk about goals for the future . . your ambitions . . your comfort level with each other's goals.  What do you see as a realistic amount of time to spend at work?

John
Email John: johnsblog@teshmedia.com

My new book Intelligence For Your Life:  Powerful Lessons For Personal Growth, is chock full of great marital advice and easy-to-use relationship principles.  You can purchase my book at your local bookstore or on line at Amazon.com or Barnes and Noble.

Another reader shares her experience after reading Intelligence For Your Life:
Dear Mr. Tesh, I discovered Intelligence for Your Life a few months ago and it's like having a friend in my office all day long! Your enlightenment is appreciated. I always share your advise with friends and colleagues, then I tell him I heard it from John Tesh!!! Respectfully, Kristopher 

Who Pays For Dinner When You Date?

The question has been recently raised on blogs and radio talk shows: Has masculinity been decreasing over the past 20 to 30 years?  Do men today have a good grasp on what it means to be a man?

To detect a man's level of masculinity, one question has withstood the test of time:  who pays for the dinner when you're out on a date?  Since the answer touches on equality between the sexes, the issue raises a red flag for many women.

First, we must determine what's the significance of a man paying for a woman's dinner. It's more than just a financial matter.  Many men I've interviewed have told me that even if a woman earns a salary three times as much, they will not allow her to pay for dinner. 

Syndicated radio talk show host Dennis Prager weighed in on this topic on a recent broadcast:  "What it means for the man to pay for dinner - whether it's a sandwich at Subway or a gourmet meal - is that he's making a statement concerning his desire to marry someday and provide for a woman."  When the man pays for the meal, he's telling his date, "I'm the kind of man who wants to someday take care of the woman I marry and I may as well start in my dating life."

Despite today's stress on gender equality, when it comes to a romantic dinner out, according to the Daily Mail, 50% of women interviewed don't expect to pay for dinner when on a date.

When women were asked: "What is the height of chivalry," 36% admitted it is the man picking up the tab.  So regardless of this modern world of social networking and internet relationships, old fashioned values at the dinner table are still in style. 

In fact, the same survey in the Daily Mail revealed 50% of the women who took part of the poll are "cursory purse grabbers."  They will act as though they want to pay and make a gesture towards their purse when the bill comes, but as soon as the guy makes a move towards his wallet, she 'll put on the brakes and gracefully let him pay . . . as it should be.

The survey also noted even if a date does not go well, 75% of men are still prepared to pay for dinner. I'm glad to hear that.  Dating is not a meal earned but a meal to be enjoyed regardless of how the date turns out.

Time Magazine refers to a "fear syndrome in men" when it comes to holding the door or standing up for a woman entering a room. They're afraid women . . . might be offended by such courtesies.  Many women sidestep the discomfort of a man displaying manners towards her by moving first to hold open their own door or wrestling on their coats before the man has a chance to lend a hand.

Yes, things have truly changed, according to the advice given in a Time Magazine article:  if the woman asks the man to go out on a date, then she should pay; if the man asks the woman for a date , then he should pay.  Some would disagree and argue that for a guy to expect the woman to pay for dinner is not liberating but wimpy and cheap.

Think of it this way . . . perhaps the emphasis on equality in this case takes away the opportunity men have to show care for a woman . . .  not because she's the "weaker sex" but out of respect and honor for her. 

It may be a great idea for women to give men back permission to act in a more masculine manner towards them.  Yes, that includes paying for dinner. . . . holding open a door . . helping her on with her coat . . . standing up when she enters the room.

One site suggests that if the man pays all the time, then the man will never be on the receiving end. Perhaps that's the point.  Are you going to pay for a woman's dinner to receive or because you're a male who knows this is the right thing to do?

John
Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

Are you struggling with how to behave on a date?  I've got some great information for you in my new book Intelligence For Your Life:  Powerful Lessons For Personal Growth.  My book can be purchased at your local book store or online at Amazon.com or Barnes and Noble.

Make Valentine's Day Special This Year

It’s already February and you know what that means . . .  Valentine’s Day!

For guys . . . it’s the most difficult time of the year.  We rack our brains asking, “What will I get her?  Can I give her another dozen roses for the sixth year in a row?”

To make this Valentine’s Day stand out from the rest, let me
offer some advice. (Women . . . feel free to share today’s blog with your loved one).

•Avoid buying a gift at the last minute. Let me warn you . . . if you wait the night before to figure out what you’ll get her, you’re asking for trouble.

A recent study proves when the gift-giving deadline approaches, our perspective shifts from gifts with positive outcomes -- something that will knock your sweetheart off her feet -- to gifts that will simply help avoid a fight.

By giving yourself enough time, you’ll be able to invest the time you need to make this gift special.

•Take notice of what your significant other likes.  When you buy a gift, be sure she’s the one you’re trying to please. Perhaps she likes those classy little diamond earrings but you’re all jazzed about the long dangling earrings.  Choose the ones she prefers.

A box of chocolates, a dozen roses and a romantic dinner at an expensive restaurant are Valentine’s Day staples. If you really want to make an impression, choose a gift of significance to her.

How about a handwritten letter describing every characteristic that you love about your significant other?  I guarantee that handwritten letter will be saved in a nightstand long after the next guy’s roses have wilted. 

•Go overboard with romance.  Romance is as easy as opening car doors, pulling out chairs, and holding doors for her.  Here are some more challenging suggestions:

1. Love at daybreak. 
While she's still curled up in bed on Valentine’s Day morning, prepare a continental breakfast in bed -- coffee, orange juice, toasted bagel with cream cheese, and a fruit cup.  Serve it with a smile and don’t breathe a word about the mess you left in the kitchen. 

2. Play chef for one night.  Why not roll up your sleeves and make dinner for your Valentine?   If you can’t figure out what to make her, here are several free recipe websites such as Allrecipes.com, Epicurious and Recipe Source.  Some of these sites offer short videos that take you through the preparation and cooking process. I’m already thinking about making a Spinach Lasagna.

3. Movie night at ... home.
 Pick up a newly-released movie or her favorite oldie chick-flick. That even means suffering through Sleepless in Seattle! You pop the corn, fix the sodas, puff-up the sofa pillows and bring out the warm, fuzzy blanket.

4. A romantic stroll. You can take a walk through a favorite park or with no particular destination in mind.   Think in terms of stroll, chat, window shop, stroll, chat . . . set at a slow pace. Treat her to a coffee, hot chocolate or other favorite drink. Remember to hold her hand!

5. Foot massage.  Okay, here's the routine: soak her feet in hot water with scented salts, scrub her heels with a pumice stone and then dry them with a fluffy towel. Wait, there's more -- you need to finish by massaging her feet with a scented lotion.

Okay guys . . . you know what to do.  Now go out and do it! I’m right behind you.

John
Email John: johnsblog@teshmedia.com

Good news!  My new hardcover book Intelligence for Your Life: Powerful Lessons for Personal Growth will be released March 11th.  You can pre-order my book before March 11th at half price and you'll receive a free concert DVD by just clicking here.