The John Tesh Blog

Avoid becoming the Bickers family this holiday season.

Remember them? It seems like your whole family became the Bickers last year. Everyone was so excited to be getting together! But then it didn't take long for everything to go downhill fast- and everyone, instead, was so excited to be away from each other. It's happened to all of us at one time or another- we get excited for the holidays- OH! the whole family will be coming! Well, yes- including an opinionated brother-in-law, an over-the-top aunt who puts the "L" in loud, maybe an interfering cousin who has lots of criticism for the teenagers in the house- and your parenting of them...pretty soon it's your own short-temper leading to soon-regretted outbursts that can put a huge damper on everyone's holiday spirit.

David Burns is a cognitive behavior therapist and author of the best-selling books Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy and When Panic Attacks, as well as adjunct clinical professor emeritus of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the Stanford University School of Medicine. He writes for Oprah about finding the ways to defuse stressful family situations by communicating more effectively. "Most people do surprisingly poorly when dealing with a relative who is hurting, depressed, or anxious—we get defensive and try to solve the problem rather than finding the truth in what the person is saying," says Burns. "I like to use what I call the five secrets of effective communication, which are made up of three listening skills and two self-expression skills."

First, practice listening (Burns calls it the disarming technique): "Find some truth in what the other person is saying, even if it seems unreasonable or unfair. Then empathize by putting yourself in his or her shoes and see the world from her perspective." Part of being empathetic is to act as a mirror, paraphrasing her words and acknowledging how she's probably feeling.

"Third, ask gentle, probing questions to learn more about what the other person is thinking and feeling. Those are the three listening skills."

Now you're ready to begin communicating back. The fourth step is to use "I feel" statements, such as "I feel upset," rather than "You" statements, such as "You're wrong!" Stroking statements come last. "Stroking means treating the other person with respect even if you're angry and they're angry. Always do it in a way that the other person won't feel put down or lose face."

That can mean, for everyone in your family this year, warm and genuine hugs when the holidays are over and it's time for everyone to head back home, as well as warm and genuine excitement to see them all next year, too!

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

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Make this a holiday season to remember for all the good things, not the fighting over money.

Thanks to the recession, economists say many families will be fighting this holiday season over money. Of course, thanks to the recession, families are fighting about money much more than previously so. So, how can you keep seasonal money arguments to a minimum? Follow these tips from economics expert Tyler Cowen, and Money magazine:

Learn to say “no.”

During the holidays, many families bombard each other with special requests – like picking up distant relatives at the airport or baking special desserts for dinner. Psychologists say giving in to every single request will increase the odds of a fight, because of the extra time and money involved. So prepare to accept a few family requests, and then say “no” to all the others. Your family will get along better if everyone pitches in equally.

Another way avoid a financial fight this season: Compromise the RIGHT way.

Thomas Schelling is an economics expert who specializes in negotiating. He says family money conflicts are usually part of a larger power struggle to show who’s boss. Those struggles won’t go away during the holidays, but you can defuse them by telling everyone you’re willing to compromise “this one time” – as a way of showing your holiday spirit. For example: If you and your family always argue over who owes more on your monthly cell phone bill, offer to pay this month’s entire bill. A compromise now will help keep the peace during the holidays, without sending the message that you’ll be a “softy” who caves in every time the issue comes up in the future.

Here’s one more way to avoid a fight over money this season: Assign control, and then butt out.

For example: Let’s say your family has agreed to organize a Christmas party. Divide up all the tasks evenly, so that one person handles food, another handles decorations, and so on. Then, once you’ve agreed to a task, do that one job and keep your nose out of what everyone else is doing! Economists call that a “trade and property rights” agreement. It’s a way of giving everyone an equal right to make decisions on their own, without being second guessed at every turn.

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

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No, it's not the end of the world...it's just DATING.

When it comes to your love life, do you wish there was a rule book? Sorry- I wasn't about to offer one- it doesn't really exist (love our individualism, right??), but eHarmony Advice has been around the block, so to speak, and offers a few hard and fast guidelines that should smooth your dating sails a bit with some dos and don'ts:

Rule #1: Listen to Your Gut

Whether you’re on a date, communicating with someone you meet online, or flirting with a cutie you meet in person, it’s important to pay attention and listen to your gut. If a potential date’s actions or words set off an internal alarm system, you owe it to yourself to pay attention and act accordingly. These alarms can be both good and bad. For example, how about if you’ve met someone online and they seem interesting- enough to talk on the phone, right? But then you talk to them on the phone and they sound completely different (in a negative way)- you may decide not to meet them in person. A positive example would be if you were on a date with someone and they seemed nervous but well intentioned, your gut might tell you to give them a second chance. By going on a second date, you’ll gain a better understanding of who they really are and if you’d like to see them again.

Rule #2: Pay Attention to Red Flags

Like those internal alarms that alert you to your gut feelings, you also have an alarm system to alert you to red flags. Sometimes this alarm system is turned way down. As a result, we often ignore red flags and find ourselves getting involved with inappropriate partners because we’re not paying attention. Wrong move- you owe it to yourself to become a red flag specialist- especially on a date. An example of a red flag would be if you found yourself on a date with someone who could not stop talking about their ex. They may be a fantastic person, and eventually make a great partner, but right now they’re not ready. Your job is to pay attention to that red flag and not pursue them.

Rule #3: Actions Speak Louder Than Words

During the course of your dating life you'll most likely find yourself on a date with someone whose actions speak much louder than their words. Maybe they’re attentive and chivalrous to you, but treat the waiter, bartender, and/or valet poorly. Or maybe they claim they’re ready for a long-term relationship, but their wandering eye tells you otherwise. To get the most out of your dating life, it’s important to understand that actions speak louder than words. When someone’s actions are contrary to their words, this is not only a red flag, it’s gut-check time. By paying attention and screening out potential partners whose actions don’t match their words, you cut down on wasted dating time and make it that much easier to attract potential partners worth your time and energy.

Rule #4: Don’t Play Games

Successful singles know what goes around comes around. They also know the importance of being honest and well-intentioned with the people they date. As a successful single, you owe it to yourself and the individuals you date not to play games. Call when you say you’re going to call. Do what you say you’re going to do, and be honest when the other person asks if you’d like to go out again. If you don’t want to see them again, say so in a kind and considerate way. By being honest and letting them down easy, you avoid playing games. Expect the same in return. If you don’t get it, don’t play games by taking that out on the next person you date.

Rule #5: Know When to Say “Game Over”

Just as you should not play dating games, you will want to avoid getting played. Like it or not, there are plenty of players on the dating scene. It’s up to you to know the signs of the player, know their game, and be confident enough to say “game over.” Here’s where that all important "gut-check" pays off- know how to spot a player. A little too charming? A little too self-deprecating? A player wants to engage you in the game. So call it for what it is, and instead of falling for their tactics, simply smile, say “game over,” and walk (better yet, run!) away.

So sorry- it's impossible to make one rulebook to match every individual, but that doe seasoned pros who have seen a thing or two in their day, does it? Of course not! And if you can find dating to be a more enjoyable experience, on the whole, by listening to your gut, paying attention to red flags, and understanding that actions speak louder than words, you cut down on wasted dating time...which could translate to relationship success.

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

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Me? A liar? Could be- here's the truth.

Most of us say we value the truth. And sure enough, telling the truth is one of the first lessons parents work to instill in their young ones. Time and time again, public-opinion polls show that honesty is among the top five characteristics we want in a leader, friend, or lover; the world is full of woeful stories about the tragic consequences of betrayal. At the same time, deception is all around us. Public figures lie to a disturbing degree; many of our social relationships are based on little white lies we tell each other, and sometimes our children, only to be deceived by them in return. The average person, says psychologist Robert Feldman, the author of a new book on lying, tells at least three lies in the first 10 minutes of a conversation. "There's always been a lot of lying," says Feldman, in his new book, The Liar in Your Life. "But I do think we're seeing a kind of cultural shift where we're lying more, it's easier to lie, and in some ways it's almost more acceptable." Newsweek brings the truth to light.

As Paul Ekman, one of Feldman's longtime lying colleagues and the inspiration behind the Fox TV series "Lie To Me," defines it, a liar is a person who "intends to mislead," "deliberately," without being asked to do so by the target of the lie. Which doesn't mean that all lies are equally toxic: some are simply habitual—"My pleasure!"—while others might be altruistic. But each, Feldman argues, is harmful, because of the standard it creates. And the more lies we tell, even if they're little white lies, the more deceptive we and society become.

We are a culture of liars, it seems, and our deceit is so deeply ingrained in our psyches that we hardly even notice we're engaging in it. Spam e-mail, deceptive advertising, the everyday pleasantries we don't really mean—"It's so great to meet you!" "I love that dress"—have, as Feldman puts it, become "an omnipresent white noise we've learned to tune out." And Feldman also argues that cheating is more common today than ever. The Josephson Institute, a nonprofit focused on youth ethics, concluded in a 2008 survey of nearly 30,000 high school students that "cheating in school continues to be rampant, and it's getting worse." In that survey, 64 percent of students said they'd cheated on a test during the past year, up from 60 percent in 2006. Another recent survey, by Junior Achievement, revealed that more than a third of teens believe lying, cheating, or plagiarizing can be necessary to succeed, while a brand-new study, commissioned by the publishers of Feldman's book, shows that 18- to 34-year-olds—those of us fully reared in this lying culture—deceive more frequently than the general population.

So, sounds like we're a bunch of liars, doesn't it? Yet, almost amusingly (I did say almost), is that while we admit to lying, studies show that most of us believe we can tell when others are lying to us. And while lying may be easy, spotting a liar is far from it. A nervous sweat or shifty eyes can certainly mean a person's uncomfortable, but it doesn't necessarily mean they're lying. Gaze aversion, meanwhile, has more to do with shyness than actual deception. Even polygraph machines are unreliable. And according to one study, by researcher Bella DePaulo, we're only able to differentiate a lie from truth only 47 percent of the time, less than if we guessed randomly. "Basically everything we've heard about catching a liar is wrong," says Feldman, who heads the College of Social and Behavioral Sciences at the University of Massachusetts, Amherst.

Ekman, meanwhile, has spent decades studying micro-facial expressions of liars: the split-second eyebrow arch that shows surprise when a spouse asks who was on the phone; the furrowed nose that gives away a hint of disgust when a person says "I love you." He's trained everyone from the Secret Service to the TSA, and believes that with close study, it's possible to identify those tiny emoticons, or micro expressions. One of Ekman's colleagues, Maureen O'Sullivan, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of San Francisco, says, "Micro expressions are fleeting facial expressions that occur when some people try to repress or suppress an emotion. If they are unable to do so completely, the emotion may flash onto the face very rapidly, sometimes for as short a time as 1/125th of a second."

A micro expression suggests that someone may be trying to conceal an emotion. Your recognition of the micro expression tells you what that emotion is, as long as you're correct. Here's the final trick in our puzzle of deception: the emotion may or may not be related to a lie.

So just where does this leave us in determining a liar in our midst? How about bringing that beautiful Golden Rule into play? Treat others as you would have them treat you. Do your best to not lie, and trust those around you. It sure would be great to get that back, wouldn't it?

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

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All the single ladies? All the single men, too. Lots of singles- but do they want to stay that way?

Attention singles. If you feel like you can’t find someone who wants to settle down, you’re right! According to experts, single folks are now in the majority. 51% of the households in America are filled with unmarried people. Add to that, Stephen Mason, PhD, recently wrote in Psychology Today about filling in for a colleague in leading a psychotherapy group called Living Life as a Long-Time Single. Mason says the group that turned out that evening was evenly divided between males and females and their ages varied enough to make it a well-rounded group of people. That being the case, he was "blown away by the response to my very first question. When I asked how many would willingly trade 'singledom' for 'coupledom' they were unanimous in wanting to switch." There was, of course, the requirement that the Significant Other should be a real sweetheart, great catch, etc., but Mason says it still came down to the fact that nobody in the room was there by choice. In the best of worlds, they would all have been home with Mr/Ms Right. So here are the answers to 3 questions about why people stay single. And how they can find someone who wants to commit. These come from Jillian Straus, author of the book Unhooked Generation.

• Question #1: Why is it so hard for people to settle down? Straus says the biggest reason people are scared to commit is because they don’t want their marriage to fail. Today’s singles are the first generation to be heavily affected by the rise in divorce – which boomed in the 70s and 80s. Prior to that, divorce was still considered shameful. 
• Question #2: How can people be more positive about committing? Straus says people need to stop thinking “Am I missing out on someone better?” Trends like internet dating let singles connect with tons of potential mates, so they’re always left wondering if there’s something better out there. But the grass is never greener on the other side of the fence. When you get to the other side, and see it up close, you see that someone else’s lawn has the same weeds and bald spots yours does. The lesson is to appreciate what you’ve got, instead of dreaming of what you don’t have. So if the person you’re dating meets 8 out of 10 requirements on your list – stick with them. You’ll never find someone who gets 10 out of 10. Also, would you want to be judged as harshly as you’re judging others? Probably not. If you want to be loved “warts and all” – you have to do the same.

So how can you get a relationship off on the right footing? You have to let potential mates know exactly what you want; people aren’t mind readers. Relationships are about communication, and if you can’t speak your mind early on, you’re going to have a hard time in any serious relationship. So, if you want to have Mexican food for dinner, but you answer ‘I don’t care’ when your date asks where you want to eat, don’t get upset if you end up at an Italian restaurant.  You do care; saying you have no preference isn't putting a real you out in front. David Steele, author of Conscious Dating, says that people put more effort into buying a car than selecting a mate. When they do meet someone, they make impulsive decisions based on desperation, or fleeting feelings. So, here are his tips on how to stop hoping for love, and become a conscious dater who’s actively looking for it:

• First, know who you are and what you want. Think of yourself as an iceberg. The “everyday” you is the part that sticks up out of the water. And the real you is the 90 percent that’s hidden from view. So, sit down with a piece of paper, and ask your hidden self a few questions. Like, what new places, activities, and experiences would you like to try? And where do you see yourself 5 years from now in work, family, and fun? That’s the person you should be selling to the world, and the person who really does have a preference between Mexican or Italian food for dinner.
  
• Then, become the partner you’re looking for. Grab your “wish list,” pick an activity, and make plans to do it. Whether it’s trying spicy Indian food, bungee jumping off a bridge, or sitting under a waterfall on a tropical island. If you do what you love, you’re more likely to run into someone who loves it, too. And voilà – an instant connection!
• Strengthen your relationship skills with your family, friends, and co-workers. Bottom line: The better you are at relationships in general, the better you’ll be at creating - and holding onto - a relationship when you finally meet “The One", or...maybe being single won't feel so much like a void in your life when these relationships become stronger.

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

Check out the new John Tesh Social Network. You can connect with new friends, post your own blog, visit various forums, upload your favorite John Tesh music and share your photos.  To learn more about how to join, click here.

Tweet, tweet. Sounds pretty harmless...but maybe not.

It's advice we've been getting much more of in the last decade- be careful what you send in an email. But today's advice has basically foregone email- now we're told to watch our tweets! Even President Obama cautioned students to be careful what they post on Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, and any other social networking site. WalletPop and personal finance experts Ken and Daria Dolan report how social media can be costly to you in ways you may not have realized.

Lawyers Love Facebook

Are you about to be involved in a divorce or taken to court? You may want clean up your Facebook page.

Lawyers and private investigators routinely troll social media sites as part of their research for any case. Such sites are a treasure trove of evidence, especially when they are looking to:

Hunt down alimony. An ex-husband says he can’t afford alimony but tweets about his new job or raise or his brand new car.

Collect evidence for a custody case. A women fighting for full custody of her children claims she doesn’t drink or smoke, yet posts a picture of her smoking at a bar on her Facebook page.

Prove harassment or fraud. Copies of nasty or threatening messages left on an ex-boyfriend’s Facebook page make great evidence.

Your Resume Isn’t the Only Thing Employers Scrutinize. A recent study by Harris Interactive found that 45% of the employers they questioned are using social networks to check out job candidates before hiring them. That’s a pretty significant percentage. But here’s an even more surprising number: 35% of those employers decided not to offer a candidate a job because of what they found on an applicant’s social networking page.

Bad-mouthing your last boss online? Posting questionable pictures? If you are on the job hunt, be sure to review your pages and profiles and make sure there isn’t anything there that can cost you a job.

Burglars Are Fond of Your Constant Updates. Would you stand up in the middle of a crowd of strangers and announce that you’re leaving on vacation for three days and then tell everyone your address? Of course not, but that’s exactly what you are doing if you share such information online.

Burglars are now using Twitter to find victims. One Arizona man tweeted to 2,000 followers that he was heading out of town and came home to find someone had broken in and stolen thousands of dollars worth of video equipment he used for his business.

Even saying you are running to the mall, going out to dinner, etc. is too much information.

Prepare for Bigger Insurance Premiums. A leading insurer in England warns that social media users could face higher insurance premiums because of the added risk they face from burglary.

Legal & General insurance believes that burglars use social media sites to “shop” for victims. Posting photos of your home enables burglars to know whether you have any security features or what you own that’s worth stealing. Plus, your posts reveal other details, such as whether or not you have a dog to fend off intruders or if you constantly let people know when you’re out of town, that can affect the chances of you filing a claim.

Teenagers are especially likely to reveal personal information, leading the insurer to warn parents that they could face higher homeowner’s insurance premiums if their children are online.

Tweets Can Get You Fired. A waiter in Beverly Hills was fired recently for one of his Twitter updates (called Tweets) about an actress, who the waiter claimed skipped out on her bill and didn't leave him a tip. He said her agent later paid her bill. The waiter was fired two weeks later.

That may seem like an extreme case, but people have been fired for blogging about work, blogging while at work, even for calling in sick and then posting on Facebook. One woman was fired for badmouthing the boss on Facebook because she forgot she had “friended” her boss and he could see everything she was saying. Oops.

If you are using any social network, assume your boss is watching everything you say and do!

Social Networkers Are an Identity Thief’s Dream. Social networking is a dream come true for identity thieves -- millions of people sharing endless amounts of personal information right out in the open. According to PC World, 33% of social network users have at least three pieces of information posted that could lead to identity theft.

Think about the types of things people share on social media sites…their birthday, address, kid’s names, pet’s names, mother’s maiden name, previous address, where you went to school. Besides being used to steal your identity, this information can also give thieves the answers to some of the most common security or password questions used on your personal accounts.

Yes, social networking is about sharing, but that doesn’t mean you can blindly violate basic rules that help protect you from ID theft.

Let’s Go Phishing on Twitter. Just last week, Twitter users were the target of a huge phishing scam. Scammers sent direct messages (DMs) or Tweets that included a generic message such as “You’re on this video” or “I think I see you here” in order to get people to click on a link.

The link took those who clicked on it to a fake Twitter page that asked them to log in with their username and password …which the scammer then used to hijack the victim’s account.

Twitter Can Be Infectious. Fake Twitter profiles have been used to spread malicious software (known as malware).

To lure in victims, scammers use fake celebrity profiles or news about celebrities. The posts look legit, but infect your computer with malware that lets the scammer use your computer to send spam, install spyware, steal your identity or launch attacks on other computers.

The IRS Wants to “Friend” You. As state budget get increasingly pinched, internal revenue agents are getting more aggressive in their pursuit of tax revenue. In fact, some states are even using information posted on sites like Facebook and MySpace to track down tax dodgers and dig for unreported income.

In Minnesota, tax agents reportedly levied back taxes on a long-time tax evader after he announced on his MySpace page that he was moving back into the state and would be working as a real estate broker. While the IRS refuses to say whether or not they are using social media to find tax evaders, it’s best to assume that they’re watching everything you post. Makes you want to be a little more careful the next time a stranger asks to “friend” you, doesn’t it?

Let's finish with a few "rules of the social media road":

• Be choosy about your friends.
• Don't tell strangers no one's home.
• Don't tell strangers your name of address.
• Don't accept gifts from strangers- or the links you need to click to accept the gift.
• Put yourself in someone else's shoes- the someone who may have an ulterior motive.
• Lock the door behind you- review and/or activate security settings for your account that most social media have in place.
• You don’t need to quit Twitter or Facebook now that you know about the dark side of social media. Just think...before you tweet.

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

Check out the new John Tesh Social Network. You can connect with new friends, post your own blog, visit various forums, upload your favorite John Tesh music and share your photos.  To learn more about how to join, click here.

Is honesty the best policy- when it comes to making a mistake at work?

Uh-oh. Friday afternoon came, and you realized- too late- an important piece of information that should have been included in a report that your boss is giving today. Wow- what to do? Well, first, take a deep breath. And read on- this is just a terrific, look-you-straight-in-the-eye set of guidelines if you've...screwed up by Eve Tahmincioglu, who writes a weekly career column for MSNBC.com.

If the captain of the Titanic had not gone down with the ship, would he have blamed the iceberg for the disaster?

Probably not, because it would have been considered "dishonorable" for a longtime veteran of the sea like Capt. Edward John Smith to throw off the blame, says Carol Tavris, a social psychologist and co-author of "Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me): Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts."

But today, she adds, accepting responsibility for our mistakes has become passé in politics, finance and the workplace in general.

Just look at the financial sector's collapse: too few have lined up to take the fall for Wall Street's fall.

Richard Fuld, a veteran of 158-year-old Lehman Bros., was CEO when the company collapsed in spectacular fashion in September 2008. He testified before Congress recently and blamed the implosion on everything from short selling to the government. He maintained that his decisions and actions as the leader of the firm "were both prudent and appropriate."

So what does a high-ranking CEO, or even a  rank-and-file employee gain by admitting a mistake and taking the blame? Depends.

Should you fess up or deny?
On the surface, it seems Fuld has little to lose, since he is walking away with nearly $500 million in compensation earned during his tenure at the company.

That said, there could be a hidden cost to admitting any error.

"What do we think of CEOs hiding from responsibility?" asks Angie Morgan, co-author of "Leading From the Front: No-Excuse Leadership Tactics for Women."

"Their personal integrity has gone away," she said. "Respect is the ultimate reward you can get as a leader."

In general, does it help or hinder a career to admit mistakes and take the blame? Should you fess up -- or deny, deny, deny?

There is no easy answer to these questions, experts say. It all depends on a number of factors:

·  The gravity of the mistake you made.

·  How you approach fixing or resolving the mistake.

·  And most importantly, how understanding your managers are when it comes to screw-ups.

When Morgan was an officer in the Marine Corps deployed in Australia, she made some mistakes.

On one occasion, she sent two Marines under her command into the Outback without radios or any communications tools. When they didn't return that evening, she realized their lives could be on the line.

She immediately told her commanding officer her mistake.

"He then relayed the news via radio to units in the Outback, trying to locate the last unit that came in contact with my Marines. He utilized his communication channels to get a sense of where they were last seen, which allowed him to send out Humvees in those areas to try and locate them," she recalls. "His actions were immediate."

After the Marines were found, she adds, she and her commanding officer "discussed my role in the situation and what I should have done to ensure that the situation never had occurred in the first place."

Morgan learned a valuable lesson.

"When you acknowledge mistakes, you can start looking for solutions," Morgan says.

Lin Grensing-Pophal, an HR management expert, recalls one of her past employees who made a big blunder.

The employee, a copywriter, worked on a major direct-mail initiative for Grensing-Pophal that involved more than 250,000 mailers to promote a bankruptcy book to lawyers.

"I was sitting in my office one day when she came in with a copy of the brochure and announced: 'I've made a very big mistake.' She then proceeded to tell me that instead of listing the book price as $265.00 it was printed as $26.50."

But the employee already had an action plan. "She had looked into a couple of alternatives for correcting the error. We could reprint at a cost of X, or she had found a service that would affix stickers over the price to correct at a cost of X. She offered to have the cost of correcting the error taken out of her salary," she explains, adding that the company did not dock her pay.

Three things that impressed Grensing-Pophal:

·  "She immediately came to me to admit her mistake."

·  "In reality, this mistake was owned by several people. She was the copywriter, but the proofing process we had in place involved the product manager as well as a proofreader. She didn't even bring them into the picture -- she took full responsibility."

·  "She came in with a solution in hand. She didn't just dump the problem on me."

Grensing-Pophal says that ever since, she's tried to use this same approach whenever she, herself, makes a mistake,and sees such times not as opportunities to criticize or place blame, but truly, to learn and improve."

Learning from a mistake
That's something children are supposedly taught from a young age -- how it's important to learn from your mistakes. But too many times, rather than hearing what they should do, children see a very different story when it comes to the adults in their lives screwing up, says "Mistakes" author Tavris. The message that becomes apparent to children is that making mistakes translates to stupidity or incompetence.

That is the wrong approach, she says. "People who are able to admit mistakes don't see those mistakes as a reflection on their own character and ability," she says.

The ability to admit a mistake may also depend on your own conscience, adds Paul Facella, CEO of consulting firm Inside Management.

"I think it depends on your own tolerance. If you can live with yourself and sleep at night knowing you made a mistake, more power to you," he says. "I would be waiting every day with bated breath wondering when the ax was going to fall."

Facella, who is also the author of "Everything I Know About Business I Learned at McDonald's," says he was lucky enough to work in an environment as an executive at the fast-food chain that made employees "comfortable" about admitting mistakes.

"In most situations, if people are honest and explain what they did, and it had no true malicious intent, then most organizations will acquiesce and like that," he says.

It's all about weighing the consequences. "You can't be stupid about this," he advises. "If it was an honest mistake and your appetite for holding something like that back is not strong, I would go with your gut, pick a time and place, and explain it to your managers."

Legal implications
Part of the issue today when it comes to accepting blame, he continues, is the legal implication of doing so, which could mean everything from a loss of bonuses or even jail time.

Tavris believes the fear that you'll be fired or derail your whole career for telling the truth, however, is overblown.

"If you are a good employee, hard-working and care about the quality of your work, and make a rare mistake, then I think admitting it is the best thing to do," she says, so long as you offer corrective measures when you disclose the fumble.

And accepting blame may actually help your career.

"People like working for someone they can trust," Simons says. "And if you have an employee who tells you they screwed up, then you know you can trust them."

There's a payoff on both sides, he says. But, he stresses, "It's naïve to say telling the truth will always serve you well. You have to be able to read if those around you, and the company you work for, are worthy of the truth."

And if there's a young person looking to you for lessons on how to handle mistakes, you'll find that you become worthy of the influence you have, and really, mean what you say. Welcome to a new- honest- week!

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

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On the outs with your friend? Here's how to mend a tattered friendship.

Kids, spouses, jobs, an economic recession creating job losses (maybe your own), rising health care costs...it's been a pretty tough world out there lately, and you may notice current situations taking a toll on your closest friendship. Maybe things just aren't the way they used to be between you and your BFF. One of you may be feeling snappish, or just downright uptight when you're together. While you used to be attached at the hip, there's suddenly a wedge between you. What can you do? Irene S Levine, PhD, The Friendship Doctor at Psychology Today, offers the first steps to try.

1) Assess what's going on between you

Try to think objectively and make sure that you really want to mend the friendship. Your  latest tiff may just be a sign that the relationship has been doomed for a while. Have you simply outgrown each other? That's no one's fault. People change over time and not always in the same direction. Have the same problems recurred time after time? Maybe the bad chemistry or sense of imbalance between you has become so overwhelming that it is impossible to transcend. Or--- is it something that you think you might really be able to fix? If so, proceed to Tip 2.

2) Pinpoint what happened

If it is something you said or did, or something you didn't say or do---or if the problem was with her, talk about it. No friendship is perfect and each one has tiny kinks that need to be worked out. Communicating avoids little problems from escalating into big ones that can undermine a relationship.

3) Be the first to offer the olive branch

If you know you were in the wrong, take responsibility for your mistake. Tell your friend how important the relationship is to you and show her in some small but concrete way. Invite her to dinner or send her a card that says, "I'm sorry."

If she was in the wrong, practice forgiveness. (We just talked in depth about the healing you can experience through forgiving others in yesterday's post.) Harboring resentment towards someone has a way of bouncing back like a boomerang to hurt you (including raising your blood pressure). Let go of the disappointment. Having a shared history should provide a strong foundation that allows a friendship to weather small hurts.

4) Step back after you've tried

Be sensitive to her response. Okay, you've been thinking about how you were going to handle this fiasco, for hours or maybe even weeks and months. But you just sprung your thinking on her and she may need time to mull it over. If her answer is "No way," accept it for the moment, give it some time, and try again. If she repeatedly blows you off, you may have to accept her decision and move on.

5) Don't necessarily view endings as a failure.

Friendships have beginning and endings. Ones that last forever are more likely to be the topic of novels and television scripts. The women I surveyed for my book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, talked about even very close friendships having "expiration dates" and "shelf lives." And sometimes women breathe a sigh of relief after an ambivalent or toxic friendship is over. 

Friendships are wonderful and life affirming. But keep in mind that just as is the case in most relationships that really mean something to us, the ones that have a chance at surviving the test of time (as well as stresses and arguments!), our friendships will not flourish being left on a shelf with no care coming from us. They require effort.  And if we're lucky, each one provides us with new wisdom so they get better and better! 

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

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Why it's so important for us to forgive, and 4 steps to get there.

Yes, yes, we are all unique individuals. But, boy, sometimes our habits and ways of thinking are just plain old human tendency. Say you were practically run off the road this morning by a rude, nearly out of control driver. It's a wonder you made it safely! (Thank goodness!) Bet you're still steamed when you think about it, huh? Or maybe it's something else entirely that gets your blood boiling. What is your normal reaction when people hurt you intentionally? Retaliate! Get even! We're often at our creative best when we're thinking up methods to get even. Pastor Rick Warren understands that this tendency can be in our deepest nature- something pretty difficult to overcome, unless we consciously make a different choice, and the greatest spiritual leaders over all time teach us to make the choice to forgive. Instead of reacting, we should take the initiative to forgive.

In his book, Why Am I Afraid To Tell You Who I Am?, John Powell says he was walking down the street with a friend and they stopped to get a paper. The man selling the paper was discourteous and very rude. As they walked away, John's friend said to the man, "You have a nice day, now!"

John asked his friend, "Is that man always that rude to you?"

"Yes."

"Are you always that nice to him?"

John's friend said, "Yes, I'm not going to let one man ruin my day."

The brilliant African-American scientist, Booker T. Washington, faced prejudice all his life, but he made a very significant choice about how he would handle it: "I will never allow another man to control or ruin my life by making me hate him."

The moment you start retaliating or seeking revenge is the same moment you give up control of your life. You have allowed the person you're angry at to gain control of your life because you are reacting, which is a position of weakness, as opposed to forgiving, which is a position of strength.

So now we understand why we should be forgiving people; how do we get there?

"To understand forgiveness, you must first understand what forgiveness is not," psychiatrist Dr. Ned Hallowell says in his book Dare to Forgive. He explains at Oprah.com that forgiveness it isn't about turning your cheek to someone or running away from the problem. It's not about condoning what the person has done.  It doesn't mean that you don't want the offending person to be punished. It doesn't mean that you forget the offense, nor does it mean that by forgiving you tacitly invite bad things to happen again. It doesn't mean that you won't defend yourself.

So what does it mean? Forgiveness is one of those words that we assume we can define, but when asked we sometimes come up blank, so let's think about it a moment: How would you define forgiveness?

The dictionary can help. The American Heritage College Dictionary defines "forgive" as, "To renounce anger or resentment against." It goes back to a Greek root word that means "to set free," as in freeing a slave. Ironically, when we forgive, the slave we free is ourselves. We free ourselves from being slaves to our own hatred.

So what is forgiveness and how can you practice it? Dr. Hallowell shares four steps to help you forgive others.

Pain and Hurt
Dr. Hallowell says the first step to forgiveness is acknowledging what happened.

• Talk to someone you trust and open up about how hurt, sad or angry you may feel. Let your emotions out, and don't apologize for them.
• Don't withdraw or isolate yourself. Stay connected and feel the pain, even though it hurts. With someone there to listen, the pain is more bearable.

Reliving and Reflecting
Once you've had the chance to vent, you are ready to appeal to your rational side, Dr. Hallowell says.

• Ask yourself: What do you want this pain to turn into?
• Look for the hook. The hook is what is holding you back—it's the portion of the misdeed that is causing you to hold on to your anger and resentment.
• Empathize with the person who hurt you.
• Remember that forgiveness is not the service of condoning. It's a service to yourself—free yourself from the poison of hatred.

Working It Out
Dr. Hallowell says this step is difficult, but you need to analyze your anger and put your life back into perspective.

• Flatten the hook (what's holding you back) and rid yourself of the anger that is keeping you from forgiveness. Praying and mediating can help.
• Take inventory and give thanks for all the things you do have.
• You can imagine vengeance—just don't act on it.
• Think of your future. Know that you and your loved ones will be better off once you have rid yourself of any vengeful thinking.

Renounce Your Anger and Resentment
Dr. Hallowell uses the word "renounce" because your resentful feelings may never permanently go away.

• Acknowledge that your anger can come back.
• If your anger does comes back, go through the process again and flatten the hook to keep moving forward.
• Try to teach others the skill of forgiveness in an empathetic way.

The amazing thing about forgiveness, I think, is that when you have truly set your heart and mind on it...it will happen. Many times we tell ourselves to forgive someone or some transgression, but we may not have taken the steps to place our pain or anger where it cannot hurt us any longer. Once that step is taken- I know- it's a huge step!- but once it is taken...even a genuine start in the process...you will be free, and you will have forgiven.

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

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You know that feeling you get, when the words are already out of your mouth, and you wish you could make them get back in?  We’ve all placed a foot in our mouth at some time- I found a “quick list” of some of the most common phrases not to say from RealSimple.com here are a few.  I think I might tape this list to my dresser mirror! 

First, about someone’s appearance:

Don’t Say: “Wow, you’ve lost a ton of weight!”-you’re giving someone a reminder of how they used to appear in public- maybe not a good memory.  Instead, try something like, “You look fantastic.” And leave it at that.”

Don’t Say: “You look so good for your age.”  Terrific- I still have all my own teeth, even though I’m so old.  How about trying a simple,  “You look great!”

Next, how many of us have bumbled in the workplace?  Thought so…

Don’t Say: “That’s not my job.”  Hmm…not a team player, huh?  If your superior asks you to do something, it is your job.  A better way to express your concerns about work being dumped on you might be to say, “I’m not sure that should be my priority right now.” Then have a conversation with your boss to be clear about your responsibilities.

Don’t Say: “I don’t have time to talk to you.”  Well, that’s just rude- in person or on the phone.  A more tactful thing to say is, “I’m just finishing something up right now. Can I come by (call you) when I’m finished?”

Or in an interview:

Don’t Say: “My current boss is horrendous!” when asked why you’re looking to leave your current job.  It’s unprofessional.  And just when will you start bad-mouthing your new boss, if they decide to hire you?  Again- go for simple, “I’m ready for a new challenge.”

And one last common phrase not to use?  (And by the way- I’ve been friends with a few men over the years who’ve learned this lesson the hard way!):

“Are you pregnant?” 

Ouch…enough said!

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

Check out the new John Tesh Social Network. You can connect with new friends, post your own blog, visit various forums, upload your favorite John Tesh music and share your photos.  To learn more about how to join, click here.