The John Tesh Blog

Does Your Husband Help Around the House?

Are husbands sharing the household chores with their wives?  Research shows that married men are not pitching in.

Husbands create extra work for wives. A University of Michigan study reports having a husband creates an extra seven hours a week of housework for a woman. On the other hand, a wife spares her husband from nearly one hour of housework each week.  So, the man gets the better deal no matter what.

I can hear the guys say, “I may be making more work for my wife.  But I’m busting my back every day at work. I'm too tired to do housework when I get home. I’ve made it possible for my wife not to work. The least she can do is take care of the kids and tidy up the house.”

Wives work less today. The same University of Michigan study claims today’s woman works less than women 30 years ago:  in 1976 women performed an average of 26 hours of housework a week, compared to 17 hours in 2005.  Could the lesser hours be due to modern appliances . . . hiring a maid service twice a month . . . or a willingness to forego having a spotless house?

Husbands work less around the house but not more than women. An economist from the Institute For Social Research argues men are doing more than twice as much housework compared to 20 years ago. However, even though the amount of work women do has dropped, they still do more housework than men. 

Upon further inquiry, we find the study did not take into account the time men spend doing the lawn, home repairs, washing the cars, grocery shopping, going to the post office and a host of other errands that swallow up Saturday mornings.

Now don’t forget that in today’s work force, women work many hours outside the home, so the men, hopefully, will help pick up the slack. If not, how do women enlist their husbands into the work force of helping around the house?

•Make a list of each other’s chores. Write down everything that has to be done and divvy it out evenly.  If one partner fails to do his or her job, then he or she has to take that item from the partner’s list and add that item to their list. 

•Try not to rescue your mate. It is tempting to want to jump in and do his unfinished work especially if you asked him to vacuum. Here’s the cure:  "Sorry, honey I couldn’t do your laundry since I had to vacuum the house,” or “I know you wanted me to take your suits to the cleaners but since I was taking the kids to all their activities while you read the newspaper, I couldn’t get around to it.”

•Approach housework as a team.  You both work. You come home exhausted.   You can both make it easier on each other. One can give the kids a bath while the other empties the dishwasher.

•Make ultimatums. If your mate refuses to help around the house, then request that he do his own laundry. If he chooses to be a couch potato instead, then let him wake up one morning to find he has no more clean underwear. 

•Be complimentary.  Flattery works very well in doing housework.  Acknowledge how busy or tired your spouse is, but tell him you need his help anyway. Yes, you know it’s his day off, but you need some muscle to do certain power cleaning jobs.   
John

Email John: johnsblog@teshmedia.com

I've got more tips about handling marital conflicts in my new book Intelligence For Your Life.  You can purchase it at your local bookstore or go online at Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble.

Women: Arguing With Your Spouse May Be Good For Your Heart

Sooner or later your heart doctor may prescribe an argument with your spouse as necessary medicine. 

Researchers at Boston University and the Eaker Epidemiology Enterprise tracked nearly 4000 men and women and asked whether they vented their feelings or kept quiet during arguments with their spouse.

Notably, 32% of the men and 23% of the women said they bottled up their feelings during a marital spat.

We used to think if you scream at your partner, you’re damaging your heart. Not so fast.  The opposite may be true.

What experts discovered is that marital strain in itself has little effect on women in the development of heart disease.  Rather, women who usually or always keep their feelings bottled up when in conflict with their husbands have more than four times the risk of dying.

My advice for women who are married or in any close relationship is this: Speak up and get those feelings out before you drop dead of a heart attack!

Husbands, encourage your wives to express her feelings and please don’t ask her to be silent. Her health may be at risk!

Elaine Eaker, an epidemiologist in Gaithersburg, Md., who was the study’s lead author said,  “This doesn’t mean women should start throwing plates at their husbands, but there needs to be a safe environment where both spouses can equally communicate.”

Other than self-silencing on the part of women, another cause of heart problems has to do with the arguing style of spouses. Timothy W. Smith, psychology professor at the University of Utah, argues that the way couples interact is as important of a heart risk factor as having high cholesterol or smoking.

150 couples were videotaped in a University of Utah study and watched as they discussed stressful topics like money or household chores.  Once again, for the woman, her husband’s arguing style had the biggest effect on her health. 

A warm style of arguing in which either spouse listens to the other and provides feedback, lowered the wife’s risk of heart disease.  However, with men the level of warmth or hostility had no effect on his cardiac health.  It’s when a man disagrees with his wife and battles for control that his heart risk increases! 

If we put these findings together, it all makes sense. Women put a silencer on their emotions out of fear that their husbands won’t give them a chance to speak up.  As a result, these suppressed emotions contribute to female heart disease.

When the woman does air her concerns and the man responds in hostility, she’s likely to silence herself in the future and put herself at further cardiac risk.

On the other hand, if you look long enough, you can find studies that show mere marital strife in itself can raise your risk for heart attack.  These experts say arguing styles don’t matter; a bad marriage is all you need to put you in your cardiologist’s office.

A recent British project shows those individuals with the worst close relationships were 34% more likely to have heart attacks or other heart trouble during the 12 years the study took place.   One researcher admits, “being married in general [is] good, but be careful about the kind of person you have married.” 

Can we agree on one thing for the women?  Whether you clam up during a marital disagreement or you let it all hang out, a bad marriage filled with strife can damage your heart.

John   

Email John: johnsblog@earthlink.net

You can pre-order my new book Intelligence For Your Life: Powerful Lessons For Personal Growth, at half price plus you'll receive a free John Tesh Alive Music& Dance DVD by just clicking here.

What To Tell Kids About Divorce

Divorce is extremely rough on adults.  Can you imagine its impact on kids?  In fact, there’s an estimated 1,075,000 children involved in divorced families. 

So what do you say and not say to kids when parents dissolve their marriage?  Here’s some practical help.

Define divorce For your kids. You can help your child by telling him the truth about your divorce instead of hiding it.  Explain that divorce takes place after a husband and wife decide they can no longer live together and no longer want to be married.   

Remind your child that a husband and wife often take a long time trying to solve problems before deciding to divorce. Ending the marriage is sometimes the best or only solution.

Make sure your kids don’t think you’re divorcing them. From A Kid’s Guide to Divorce we learn children need to know that because their father is divorcing their mother, it does not mean he’s divorcing them as well.  Even if the child lives with one parent, the parent who lives somewhere else is still that kid’s mom or dad only.

Tell your kids they cannot cause a divorce.   Too many kids think they’re the cause of the divorce: if only they had better grades, had behaved better or helped more around the house, they could have kept their parents together.  Make this perfectly clear to the kids: divorce is between moms and dads only 

Remind your kids they cannot fix a divorce. Your children may wish for you and your spouse to get back together or try some things to make it work, like acting like an angel at home to make mom and dad happy. That does not mean they will get back together. 

Consult the various divorce sites concerning kids. Kids in the Middle is a non-profit organization that provides counseling, education and support for kids and families whose parents divorced. Bonus Families is a site offering kids and their families a place to go to share divorce experiences. Kids’ Divorce Help Page is one child’s view on how he made it through his parent’s divorce.

Help your child through your divorce.  For peace of mind pay attention to these tips on how you can help your kids through the divorce process.

        •Listen quietly.  Children have questions and feelings about their parent’s divorce. Many parents have a hard time listening to their children talk without wanting to interrupt. Children need to be heard.

        •Reassure your children of personal safety.  Kids are concerned once their parents divorce there will not be a place for them to live or enough food or clothing. 

        •Don’t put your child in the middle . It is wise not to say anything negative about your ex within ear-shot of your child. Children must be able to love both parents. If there is information you feel you must know, go to your spouse and ask them directly and not through your child.

        •Make sure the kids know both parents love them.  Just because dad and mom don’t have the same feelings of love for each other, that does not mean the kids are not loved.

        •Let them know who they will be living with. Keep the kids informed on any details that include them. Of course, how detailed you are about what is taking place depends on their age.

        •No blame should be assigned to either parent for the separation.  It isn’t healthy for a child to think there is a good parent and a bad a parent.

John
Email John: johnsblog@teshmedia.com

Have you heard about my new hardcover book Intelligence For Your Life: Powerful Lessons for Personal Growth? You can pre-order it today at half price and you'll receive a free John Tesh Alive Music&Dance DVD by just clicking here.

Are Married People Happier Than Unmarried People?

Before you tie or untie the knot, you’ll need to untangle this question:  Are married couples better off than single people?

To discover the answer, several areas of daily living need to be examined.

Finances
Forbes magazine claims marriage places a tight squeeze on your finances. In the first year of marriage, newlyweds are scouting for a bigger home, purchasing nicer cars or taking on more expenses like insurance and home improvement.

What are financial advantages to married life?  In a nutshell, a marriage involves two people contributing money. Not just one.

With more available cash, a lesser percentage (9.3%) of the couple’s monthly income is slated for rent.  The single person earmarks at least 25% of his monthly nut for rent!

Married people pay less for food, cable television and the telephone bill. Why?  There are more finances to work with. A couple who files their 1040 jointly gets relief on both federal and Social Security taxes.  However, once the couple has children, their monthly expenses skyrocket.

On the flip side, single people save more money since they’re not shelling out a big chunk of their income on living expenses.

In the end, married people fare better because two heads and two incomes are better than one. 

Social Life

From two national studies done at Penn State University, married people today spend 40% less time with one another than they did twenty years ago.

Husbands and wives are developing their own networks of friends, joining different community organizations, pursuing separate hobbies and taking separate vacations.

Regarding marital happiness, socialite couples run neck and neck with active single people.

Physical Health

If you’re the kind of person who makes excessive demands, is too critical or continually agitates your partner, you may be making your mate sick.

In contrast, experts from the American Psychological Association state that possessing good communication skills, exhibiting dependability and understanding your mate can boost your partner’s health.   

On that same note, UCLA and UC Davis researchers report women in happy marriages recover more quickly from workday stress than women in unhappy relationships. This is due to the presence of the stress hormone cortisol according to The Sacramento Bee. When cortisol levels are high, women in happy marriages rebound quicker from a busy, stressful workday.

Who wins on this indicator?  Since singles lack someone living with them wearing on their health or helping them with their stress levels, I call it a tie.

Emotional Wellbeing

Studies from the American Psychological Association's (APA) Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, demonstrate most people are no more satisfied with life after marriage than they were prior to marriage.

A chronically unhappy person is not going to change their unhappiness after marriage. Watch out for the mate who demands, it’s your responsibility to keep them happy.

Marriage or divorce does not have the same implications for all individuals. A person satisfied with life probably has a rich social network and has less to gain from the companionship of marriage. On the other hand, the person who is lonely and, therefore, somewhat dissatisfied, can gain much by marrying.

No winner on this contest.  A single person can be happy without a mate and a married person can be unhappy even with a life partner.

Researchers will admit the increase in happiness of married people is very small -- approximately one tenth of one point on an 11-point scale.

The best advice is that happiness-for single or married people-is a decision you make on how you want to approach what life has handed to you.

John

Email John: johnsblog@teshmedia.com

You can still get my new hardcover book Intelligence For Your Life: Powerful Lessons for Personal Growth? You can pre-order it at half price and you'll receive a free concert DVD by just clicking here.