The John Tesh Blog

Give a little? Get a lot.

Can you remember how hard it was to hear your parents say, as you were growing up, "Well, it's better to give, than to receive..." WHAT? How can that be better? Well, science- how about that- has proven what's really in it for you! Stephen Post, PhD, and Jill Neimark are the authors of Why Good Things Happen to Good People, and give us the guide to what you get for your giving, you holiday elf:

It's The Thought That Counts

Just thinking about generosity boosts your immunity. When Harvard students watched a film about Mother Teresa tending to orphans, the number of protective antibodies in their saliva surged; when the students were asked to focus on times when they'd been loved by or loving to others, their antibody levels stayed elevated for an hour. In another study, the brain's pleasure centers lit up when people made check marks next to a list of organizations to which they wanted to donate.

Lend an Ear, Help Your Heart

Being generous with your attention can reduce your risk of heart attack. Cardiac arrest is highly correlated with the amount of self-reference ("I," "me," "my") in a person's speech. The best advice? Listen to and connect with others- OH. How about what we talked about yesterday- LISTENING to those around you to avoid bickering. Social ties lower your risk of dying from heart disease.

Lend a Hand, Lower Your Pain

People suffering from chronic pain report decreased intensity, and less disability and depression, when they reach out to others in similar pain. In one study, pain was reduced by 13 percent. Scientists believe the release of endorphins explains the phenomenon.

Goodness Nose

In a study conducted at Carnegie Mellon University, people who were socially connected reported catching fewer colds. Volunteering is, of course, one of the simplest ways to connect.

Love Heals Some Wounds

In a 2005 Ohio State University study, married couples were given tiny blisters on two occasions. During the first visit, they talked to each other supportively; during the second, they hashed out relationship conflicts. The blisters took a day longer to heal after the second visit, and two days longer in couples with high levels of anger.

The Magic Touch

There's an off switch for the adrenal gland's production of the stress hormone cortisol: massage. A study that recruited retirees to give massages showed that their cortisol—as well as their anxiety and depression—levels dropped significantly.

Do you see an opportunity here, in these last days of the 2009 holiday season to spread some warmth, pay it forward, show your love? Then take it, in good health, my friend!

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

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Avoid becoming the Bickers family this holiday season.

Remember them? It seems like your whole family became the Bickers last year. Everyone was so excited to be getting together! But then it didn't take long for everything to go downhill fast- and everyone, instead, was so excited to be away from each other. It's happened to all of us at one time or another- we get excited for the holidays- OH! the whole family will be coming! Well, yes- including an opinionated brother-in-law, an over-the-top aunt who puts the "L" in loud, maybe an interfering cousin who has lots of criticism for the teenagers in the house- and your parenting of them...pretty soon it's your own short-temper leading to soon-regretted outbursts that can put a huge damper on everyone's holiday spirit.

David Burns is a cognitive behavior therapist and author of the best-selling books Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy and When Panic Attacks, as well as adjunct clinical professor emeritus of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the Stanford University School of Medicine. He writes for Oprah about finding the ways to defuse stressful family situations by communicating more effectively. "Most people do surprisingly poorly when dealing with a relative who is hurting, depressed, or anxious—we get defensive and try to solve the problem rather than finding the truth in what the person is saying," says Burns. "I like to use what I call the five secrets of effective communication, which are made up of three listening skills and two self-expression skills."

First, practice listening (Burns calls it the disarming technique): "Find some truth in what the other person is saying, even if it seems unreasonable or unfair. Then empathize by putting yourself in his or her shoes and see the world from her perspective." Part of being empathetic is to act as a mirror, paraphrasing her words and acknowledging how she's probably feeling.

"Third, ask gentle, probing questions to learn more about what the other person is thinking and feeling. Those are the three listening skills."

Now you're ready to begin communicating back. The fourth step is to use "I feel" statements, such as "I feel upset," rather than "You" statements, such as "You're wrong!" Stroking statements come last. "Stroking means treating the other person with respect even if you're angry and they're angry. Always do it in a way that the other person won't feel put down or lose face."

That can mean, for everyone in your family this year, warm and genuine hugs when the holidays are over and it's time for everyone to head back home, as well as warm and genuine excitement to see them all next year, too!

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

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Make this a holiday season to remember for all the good things, not the fighting over money.

Thanks to the recession, economists say many families will be fighting this holiday season over money. Of course, thanks to the recession, families are fighting about money much more than previously so. So, how can you keep seasonal money arguments to a minimum? Follow these tips from economics expert Tyler Cowen, and Money magazine:

Learn to say “no.”

During the holidays, many families bombard each other with special requests – like picking up distant relatives at the airport or baking special desserts for dinner. Psychologists say giving in to every single request will increase the odds of a fight, because of the extra time and money involved. So prepare to accept a few family requests, and then say “no” to all the others. Your family will get along better if everyone pitches in equally.

Another way avoid a financial fight this season: Compromise the RIGHT way.

Thomas Schelling is an economics expert who specializes in negotiating. He says family money conflicts are usually part of a larger power struggle to show who’s boss. Those struggles won’t go away during the holidays, but you can defuse them by telling everyone you’re willing to compromise “this one time” – as a way of showing your holiday spirit. For example: If you and your family always argue over who owes more on your monthly cell phone bill, offer to pay this month’s entire bill. A compromise now will help keep the peace during the holidays, without sending the message that you’ll be a “softy” who caves in every time the issue comes up in the future.

Here’s one more way to avoid a fight over money this season: Assign control, and then butt out.

For example: Let’s say your family has agreed to organize a Christmas party. Divide up all the tasks evenly, so that one person handles food, another handles decorations, and so on. Then, once you’ve agreed to a task, do that one job and keep your nose out of what everyone else is doing! Economists call that a “trade and property rights” agreement. It’s a way of giving everyone an equal right to make decisions on their own, without being second guessed at every turn.

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

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No, it's not the end of the world...it's just DATING.

When it comes to your love life, do you wish there was a rule book? Sorry- I wasn't about to offer one- it doesn't really exist (love our individualism, right??), but eHarmony Advice has been around the block, so to speak, and offers a few hard and fast guidelines that should smooth your dating sails a bit with some dos and don'ts:

Rule #1: Listen to Your Gut

Whether you’re on a date, communicating with someone you meet online, or flirting with a cutie you meet in person, it’s important to pay attention and listen to your gut. If a potential date’s actions or words set off an internal alarm system, you owe it to yourself to pay attention and act accordingly. These alarms can be both good and bad. For example, how about if you’ve met someone online and they seem interesting- enough to talk on the phone, right? But then you talk to them on the phone and they sound completely different (in a negative way)- you may decide not to meet them in person. A positive example would be if you were on a date with someone and they seemed nervous but well intentioned, your gut might tell you to give them a second chance. By going on a second date, you’ll gain a better understanding of who they really are and if you’d like to see them again.

Rule #2: Pay Attention to Red Flags

Like those internal alarms that alert you to your gut feelings, you also have an alarm system to alert you to red flags. Sometimes this alarm system is turned way down. As a result, we often ignore red flags and find ourselves getting involved with inappropriate partners because we’re not paying attention. Wrong move- you owe it to yourself to become a red flag specialist- especially on a date. An example of a red flag would be if you found yourself on a date with someone who could not stop talking about their ex. They may be a fantastic person, and eventually make a great partner, but right now they’re not ready. Your job is to pay attention to that red flag and not pursue them.

Rule #3: Actions Speak Louder Than Words

During the course of your dating life you'll most likely find yourself on a date with someone whose actions speak much louder than their words. Maybe they’re attentive and chivalrous to you, but treat the waiter, bartender, and/or valet poorly. Or maybe they claim they’re ready for a long-term relationship, but their wandering eye tells you otherwise. To get the most out of your dating life, it’s important to understand that actions speak louder than words. When someone’s actions are contrary to their words, this is not only a red flag, it’s gut-check time. By paying attention and screening out potential partners whose actions don’t match their words, you cut down on wasted dating time and make it that much easier to attract potential partners worth your time and energy.

Rule #4: Don’t Play Games

Successful singles know what goes around comes around. They also know the importance of being honest and well-intentioned with the people they date. As a successful single, you owe it to yourself and the individuals you date not to play games. Call when you say you’re going to call. Do what you say you’re going to do, and be honest when the other person asks if you’d like to go out again. If you don’t want to see them again, say so in a kind and considerate way. By being honest and letting them down easy, you avoid playing games. Expect the same in return. If you don’t get it, don’t play games by taking that out on the next person you date.

Rule #5: Know When to Say “Game Over”

Just as you should not play dating games, you will want to avoid getting played. Like it or not, there are plenty of players on the dating scene. It’s up to you to know the signs of the player, know their game, and be confident enough to say “game over.” Here’s where that all important "gut-check" pays off- know how to spot a player. A little too charming? A little too self-deprecating? A player wants to engage you in the game. So call it for what it is, and instead of falling for their tactics, simply smile, say “game over,” and walk (better yet, run!) away.

So sorry- it's impossible to make one rulebook to match every individual, but that doe seasoned pros who have seen a thing or two in their day, does it? Of course not! And if you can find dating to be a more enjoyable experience, on the whole, by listening to your gut, paying attention to red flags, and understanding that actions speak louder than words, you cut down on wasted dating time...which could translate to relationship success.

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

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Think about putting "spectacular marriage" on your Christmas list this year!

Spectacular? Oh, yes (I must be on a 'spectacular' kick...talked about spectacular, and eco-friendly Christmas decorations yesterday!) It sure is a powerful word, but no more so than the negativity that can turn a relationship sour. Redbook's Nicole Yorio opens the door to 4 spectacularly easy ways to make an amazing marriage with love moves that will bring the two of you closer than ever...just in time for the holidays!

What do couples who describe their marriages as spectacular do differently than those who describe their marriages as simply so-so? The differences are quite small, actually. "When we look at happy couples, we see that great marriages are not the result of hours of hard work," says relationship researcher Terri L. Orbuch, Ph.D., who followed 373 couples for over 22 years as part of a marriage study funded by the National Institutes of Health. "It's the small changes in behavior and attitude that can transform your relationship." In her new book, 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great, Orbuch shares the steps you can take to marital greatness.

1. Understand Each Other's Needs
"The main reason marriages break up is not conflict, communication problems, or intimacy incompatibility," Orbuch says. "It's frustration — the day-to-day disappointment of the gap between what you expect and how your partner acts — that is most damaging." To diffuse that frustration, share your expectations with each other. Maybe your wife desires more affection and you crave more relaxed couple time- that spells time for compromise, and taking turns (see? those sandbox moments still hold true for an adult!) "And be sure to check in with your partner once a year, as added pressures or life changes can create new expectations," Orbuch says.

2. Show Him Some Love
Husbands whose wives give them affirmation — those words and gestures that show they are appreciated, respected, and loved — are twice as likely to describe themselves as happily married. And men may need affirmation more than women, Orbuch's research showed. "Women are constantly receiving flattery from friends and even strangers who say, 'Love your outfit!'" she says. "But men don't get that recognition." Can you imagine a passerby stopping your husband to compliment him on how well his tie matches his shirt? Not gonna happen — which is why men rely on that attention from their wives. Luckily, there's another payoff to your flattery: He's more likely to return those loving deeds back to you.

3. Take 10
A weekly date night is always recommended as a way to reconnect, but sometimes all you need is a few minutes. "I call this the 10-Minute Rule: Take 10 minutes a day to talk about anything — except for kids, responsibilities, or chores," Orbuch says. Throw out Mom's old advice about how an air of mystery keeps the flame alive: Orbuch's research showed that 98 percent of happy couples say they intimately understand their partners. And knowing your spouse intimately isn't always about engaging in heavy conversations: Anything that helps you learn something new will bring you closer, Orbuch says. You can bond over why you think your dog is the smartest one on your block or which superpower you'd want most. You'll get to know each other's inner world and strengthen your bond of happiness.

4. Focus on the Good
The best way to make your relationship better is to work at fixing what's wrong, right? Nope. "The most effective way to boost fun and passion is to add positive elements to your marriage," Orbuch says. "That positive energy makes us feel good and motivates us to keep going in that direction." This doesn't mean that you can't feel — or talk about — anything negative, but "pretend you are weighing your interactions on a scale," she says. "If you want a happier relationship, the positive side needs to far outweigh the bad." The more you honor the love and joy in your bond, the sooner you'll transform your marriage into one that is truly great.

Happiness to you today,

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

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If yelling has become your stand in for spanking, you need to read this.

Parenting has changed a lot in the last few decades. These days it’s taboo for parents to hit or spank their children when they’ve been bad. However, social taboos don’t stop almost 90% of parents from yelling when they get frustrated or upset. Basically, according to the New York Times, shouting is the new spanking, and it’s having a harmful effect on our kids.

Most parents have been there. That moment when your eight year old throws a fit because you won’t buy them a toy. You lose your cool, but spanking is out. Recent studies have found that spanking children can slow down their intellectual development and lead to aggression when they get older. So parents are left with nagging or time-outs. According to parenting expert Amy McCready, when they realize that those strategies aren’t working, they start yelling out of utter frustration. Yelling can’t be as bad as spanking right? Well, psychologists think yelling does harm children because they perceive it as a sign of rejection from their parents. They also focus on the emotion – anger or rage – and not the message you’re trying to get across. Yelling can also damage the trust between you and your child – as well as their self-esteem.

So how can you parent without yelling? Hal Runkel the author of Scream Free Parenting has some ideas. He says when you feel a yell coming on, give yourself a time out. Leave the room until you’ve cooled off and spend that time thinking up an appropriate consequence for what they did. Runkel says you should give kids a choice. For example, they can either put their toys away now or lose them for a week. Make sure you follow through. Or, develop a look that your child knows is a signal that they need to STOP what they’re doing. However, for this to work, you need to be loving and open with your kid the rest of the time, and you should only use the look when you’re angry, so they don’t get confused. Finally, try lowering your voice rather than raising it. Your child will be distracted from what they’re doing  because they have to strain to hear you.

But what about when it's your child who's the volume behind the screaming and overall defiance? Let's break down the most common age groups when you find yourself at wits end with your child- this comes from Parents magazine:

Ages 2-5: The Preschool Years- Help them learn to solve problems

How can you tell the difference between defiant behavior and a child who is simply trying to assert his independence? Keep in mind that the first signs of autonomy are a natural development at this age. When a preschooler says "You're stupid," it's usually in response to being chastised ("You can't hit your brother") or being given a directive he does not want to follow at that moment ("We have to get ready to go now").

Don't overreact. "Do you want to win the 'battle' or change the behavior?" asks Cynthia Whitham, associate director of the Parent Training Program at the University of California at Los Angeles. If your child yells "You're a dummy!" and runs out of the room when you ask her to turn off the TV, you should let your child know such language is not acceptable, but do not dwell on it. "This isn't about winning," says Whitham. "You just want to stop the behavior." Ignoring negative behavior after a brief, but firm, reminder that your child's words hurt your feelings can have more impact than starting a prolonged battle of wills.

Think creatively. When Chris Stout, Ph.D., chief of psychological services at the Illinois Department of Human Services in Chicago, was selecting clothes for his son, the 4-year-old said "I hate those" when he looked at the pants. "I asked why," Dr. Stout recalls, "and he told me, 'I only like pants with pockets.' Since there weren't any clean ones, I suggested he wear a fanny pack or backpack and pretend that he had pockets." The idea refocused his son's attention on finding a solution and also let him know that his dad took his concerns seriously. "When your child can't have his way," Dr. Stout advises, "ask yourself, how can we problem-solve around this?" Take immediate action and follow up later. Children are entitled to their opinions but they're not entitled to trample on other people's feelings.

6-9 Year-olds: Model Respect, Not Retaliation

When your 7-year-old resorts to back talk or name-calling, it's easy to think she's being nasty. "When a child insults us, we often decide 'she did it to hurt us,'" says Peter Goldenthal, Ph.D., of the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia, author of Beyond Sibling Rivalry: How to Help Your Child Become Cooperative, Caring and Compassionate. "But kids that age are not thinking about the effect they have on their parents. They're thinking about themselves and how they can get attention."

Talking back isn't always bad. "In some ways we really want our children to be able to talk back," notes Constance Katz, Ph.D., supervisor of child and adolescent psychology at William Alanson White Institute in New York City. "Our culture values independence of opinion and we don't want to destroy that quality in our children."

The problem occurs, she notes, when the child's opinion is communicated in a tone that conveys anger, contempt, or dismissiveness. We need to teach our children to get across what they are trying to say without resorting to a harsh or resentful tone of voice. Remember to consistently treat your child with respect so that he will learn how to treat others that way. "If you want your child to respond to your requests respectfully, you need to model that," advises Dr. Katz. "Say you ask your 7-year-old to take out the trash and he snaps back, 'Do it yourself.' If you retort 'You're a brat,' you've moved into the area of character attack," Dr. Katz points out. Instead of stooping to your child's level, treat him with respect by saying, "Hey, cleaning up can be a drag. Want me to give you a hand?" The point is to remind your child that he's part of a family and that respecting one another and pitching in to help out is what all family members must do.

9-12 Years- Straightforward talk with your preteen:

If you find your child habitually makes negative remarks, confront the problem head-on, advises Dr. Goldenthal. But avoid saying something like "Why are you always making those negative comments?" Your child is likely to interpret the question as an accusation, which will only make her defensive. Instead, suggests Dr. Goldenthal, "try saying, 'You seem really angry with me lately, and I'd like to find out what's bothering you.' Kids respond well to sincerity."

Once your child starts to open up, let him know that you hope the next time something is bothering him he'll tell you about it instead of making sarcastic remarks that hurt your feelings and don't solve the problem. When kids are sarcastic, "try turning away and focusing your attention elsewhere," advises Whitham. "Why dignify sarcasm with any response?" The remarks will stop, she says, if you do this consistently.

How about the Gloucester, MA mom, who picked up her 10-year-old daughter from cross-country track practice one afternoon, and asked "How was your day?" Her daughter shot back, "You're on time, unlike usual." Instead of chastising her daughter for her criticism, the mom calmly replied, "Yup, I'm trying to be on time more often, sweetie, and I think I'm getting better at it."

Her daughter immediately softened, Mom recalls. "A lot of tension seemed to melt away." Instead of dwelling on her daughter's insolence, the mother was willing to focus on the truth in her child's statement to successfully avoid a battle. Humor can often have the same effect in turning around your child's mood.

When your child continues to talk back, despite your efforts, you may want to try what Whitham calls the "broken record" technique. With older children, says Whitham, "talking back is basically a bad habit used as a diversionary tactic to wear down parents." To break the pattern, simply repeat, very calmly, a short phrase that clearly states your position. For example, your 12-year-old is arguing that he wants to hang out at the mall with his friends. "Why can't I go?" he pleads. "The subject is closed," you say. "You never let me do anything." "The subject is closed." You may also need to establish a clear consequence. For example, "If you bring it up again, you lose an evening of TV." It won't be long before your son gets tired of the routine and makes other plans. "When a child is ticked off, no amount of reasoning is going to win the agreement," says Whitham. "Ultimately, parents need to realize they have the right not to be screamed at." It probably bears repeating- up to the top of this story, that your best example to your child is you- not screaming at them, either.

As children grow, talking back is a part of the constant struggle between dependence and autonomy. When mouthing off becomes chronic, says Braun, you need to seek out the underlying reasons for such behavior. If the child is talking back at school, too, it may be time to find a family counselor to discuss the root of the child's anger. Most of the time, however, "talking back is about testing limits, learning what is and isn't okay," says Dr. Stout. When you help your child develop the ability to express her opinions without trampling other people's feelings, you give her a valuable skill that will serve her well throughout her life.

If you have a child in any of these age group, as the father of a teenage daughter- who I love with all my heart- let me just say- I think this is some pretty sound advice! Have a terrific Monday!

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

Check out the new John Tesh Social Network. You can connect with new friends, post your own blog, visit various forums, upload your favorite John Tesh music and share your photos.  To learn more about how to join, click here.

10 tips for a fresh financial start

The past is past.  Hit rough financial times?  It's understandable- you may be feeling pretty crummy right now.  But keeping yourself locked inside blame and despair- either directed at yourself, or possibly, your partner- is not going to be your way back to financial order in your life.  And with Thanksgiving one week away, how about a fresh look at your situation- dare I say there may be something for which you can be grateful? It's time to move on, and take some action, with a plan outlined by "The Money Lady", Suze Orman, writing for Oprah.com. 

1. No Blame, No Shame

The foundation of a financial fresh start actually has nothing to do with money or specific financial dos and don'ts. The first, and most difficult, step is to absolve yourself and your spouse or partner of any guilt. Make a promise: agree that the past is past, and you are going to focus on the future. Whatever mistakes you feel you have made with money, whatever moves you wish you had or hadn't made, are irrelevant. You are free to move forward only when you remove the emotional shackles of regret. This cleansing step is especially important for couples. You are in this together, so no finger-pointing or arguing about any past decisions. Deal? Deep breath, everyone. Exhale. Now you are ready to put your financial house in order.

2. Take a Snapshot of Your Finances

It's impossible to map out a route to your destination if you don't know where you're starting from. So let's take a "before" picture of your finances. If you've read Suze's advice, or seen her on TV, you've heard her say this many times- open every single financial statement—bank, credit card, mortgage, 401(k), brokerage account—and take a look. Only when you have everything in front of you can you set priorities about what to do next. If you're vexed by your checking account (you swear you should have more money; you can never figure out why your checks bounce), start fresh by opening a new one. Leave enough in your existing account to cover any checks that haven't yet been processed, then transfer the rest to the new account and close the old one. Next, sign up for online banking. It should be free, and as long as you use your home computer, it's also safe. The advantage of online banking is that you can pay bills very fast, and your account is automatically credited or debited for each deposit and payment, making it easier to stay on track.

3. Adopt a Foolproof Credit Card Strategy

Make this the year you tackle that credit card debt once and for all. Doing so will make you and your family stronger and happier—forever. What happens to the stock market and the housing market is completely beyond your control. Credit card debt, however, is completely within your control. Every time you pay off a card with a 15 percent interest rate, you get a 15 percent return on your money.

See if you can qualify for a balance transfer card that offers a low or 0 percent introductory interest rate for the first six to 12 months. If you can get a good deal, move your high-rate debt to that new card. Do not use the card for any new charges, and push yourself hard to pay off the balance as soon as possible. If you don't qualify, no worries. Always pay the minimum due on each card, on time, every month. Whenever possible, send in some extra money on the card that charges the highest interest rate. Your goal is to get the costliest balance paid off first. When the first card is cleared, direct your payments to the card with the next highest interest rate. Keep doing this until you've zeroed out the balances on all your cards.

4. Try Harder to Save

When Suze suggests that people send in more money to pay off credit card balances or increase the amount they save each month for retirement, she says she often hears the same sad story: "Oh, Suze, I would if I could, but I can't because there's no extra money left at the end of the month." And here comes Suze with another challenge to your thinking: that there's no money left because you haven't evaluated your spending habits. And here's where Suze implores folks who have "nothing left" to dig deep and be willing to change some habits; to set goals and use those goals as the motivation for lifestyle changes that will allow you to save and invest. Take a clear-eyed look at your credit card statements for the past six months. Are you absolutely certain that there isn't at least $50 or $100 showing up that you could have done without? Suze calls this "hidden money," and here's how you can find it.

Try to reduce every one of your monthly utility bills by 10 percent. Change your calling plan or get rid of the landline account unless you absolutely need it. Dial back the platinum cable package to silver. Trim your utilities by spending one afternoon increasing your home's energy efficiency: attach a draft-blocking guard to the bottom of any external doors; add caulk or weatherproofing material around drafty windows; put low-flow aerators on your showerheads and faucets; and replace burned-out bulbs with compact fluorescent energy savers (they're pricier than conventional bulbs but last much longer, saving you money over the long term).

Cars are another great place to save. Plan on driving yours for at least seven to ten years (regular tune-ups will help keep it running longer). Consider buying a used or certified pre-owned car rather than a brand new one. If you get a three-year loan, you have plenty of life left in your car, and money that once went to car payments is freed up for other financial needs. And avoid leasing. Since you don't own the car, you never have a time when you are driving your car free and clear. Also, raising your deductible or designating one car to be used for low-mileage driving (under 15,000 miles a year) can reduce your insurance premiums by 15 percent or more.

5. Separate Savings from Investments

Now it's time to move on to how you put your money to work for you and your family. There is a vital difference between money you need to save and money you need to invest, Suze adamantly believes, yet sees that it's a distinction many people don't grasp. Money you know you need or want to spend in the next few years is savings. Money you keep handy for an emergency belongs in savings. Money you hope to use soon for a down payment on a house belongs in savings. And all savings belong in a low-risk bank savings account or money market account. The goal is to keep your money safe so that when you go to use it, it will be there.

Money you won't need to use for at least seven years is money for investing. The goal here is to have your account grow over time to help you finance a distant goal, such as building a retirement fund. Since your goal is in the future, money for investing belongs in stocks. Later in the article, she explains, the potential inflation-beating returns that only stocks can deliver make them the right choice for a successful long-term investment strategy.

6. Know Your Credit Score

The big takeaway from the meltdown of 2008 is that banks are going to be a lot less eager to lend money to you. You will need a sparkling financial personality: a FICO score above 700, solid verifiable income, a manageable amount of existing debt—to get good offers for credit cards, auto loans, mortgages, and refinancings. And you can expect lenders to continue to tighten the screws on your existing credit lines; all the credit they loved to give you before 2008 now makes them nervous. You can pay to get your credit score by going to MyFico.com. If your score is below 700, two of the best ways to improve it are to pay your bills on time and push yourself to reduce your credit card balances.

7. Evaluate Your Retirement Plan

If your 401(k) and Roth IRA lost value in 2008, that's a good sign. It means you were invested in stocks, and that's exactly where you should be invested—assuming your retirement is at least a decade away. Only stocks offer the chance of high returns that outpace the annual 3 to 4 percent inflation rate. In your 20s and 30s, aim to keep 80 percent in stocks and just 20 percent in bonds; you have time to ride out stock swings. As you age, slowly ramp up the percentage in bonds; in your 50s and 60s, consider keeping 40 percent or more in bonds to help boost your portfolio when stocks are slumping. Suze believes that a big mistake you can make is to stop investing in your retirement accounts or to shift money from stocks into "safe" money market accounts.

Instead of worrying that your account is down, remember that your money buys more shares of your retirement funds. The more shares you own now, the more you will make when the market recovers. Buy and hold is the way to go. 

Here's some perspective: The 2008 market slide is the tenth bear market (commonly accepted as a decline of at least 20 percent) since 1950. If you'd put your money in stocks in 1950 and stayed invested through the ups and downs, your average annual return through 2007 would have been more than 10 percent. That's not to say you can count on an average of 10 percent over the next 50 or so years (7 to 8 percent is probably more realistic), but it illustrates how keeping focused on the long term pays off.

8. Diversify Your Assests

Try to reduce any company stock you own in your 401(k) to less than 10 percent of your total retirement assets. Just ask employees of Enron, Bear Stearns, Merrill Lynch, and Washington Mutual how smart it was to make big bets on their own stock. Mutual funds and exchange-traded funds (ETFs) are ideal for retirement savings because they own dozens of stocks in their portfolios.

If you're flummoxed by all the investing options in your 401(k), look for a "target retirement" or "life cycle" fund. Then pick the specific portfolio that dovetails with your expected retirement age and you're all set; you will be invested in a mix of stock and bond funds appropriate for your age. You can also invest your Roth IRA in these types of funds; Fidelity, T. Rowe Price, and Vanguard all offer these one-and-done options.

9. Don't Obsess Over Your Home's Value

If you own a house and can afford the mortgage, consider yourself lucky. Try to love your home for what it is: a haven for you and your family, not a path to riches. Unless you bought at the height of the market in a super-popular region that has gone Ice Age–cold, you're going to be fine. And even if you did buy at the peak, if you plan on staying put for five to 10 years, the real estate market will recover with time. But understand: A home is not an investment that will fund your retirement or vacations. The 10 or 20 percent annual gains during the housing boom were temporary insanity. Buy a house you can really afford, and over time it will rise in value. But its main value is as a home. Period.

If you got caught buying into the housing bubble and are now in mortgage trouble, talk to the lender about your options. Don't raid your retirement accounts to keep up with the payments. What happens when the retirement accounts run dry? You still won't be able to cover the mortgage, and you will have lost all your future security.

10. Protect Your Family—and Your Nest Egg

If there is anyone dependent on your income—parents, children, relatives—you need life insurance. For the vast majority of us, term life insurance is all we need, because it protects you for the "term" of the policy (from five to 30 years) and is incredibly inexpensive. As always, it's important to buy a policy from a firm with a strong financial rating, but even if an insurance company runs into trouble, your state insurance department has funds set aside to help protect you. Set as another goal for yourself to get your estate papers in order. You should have a living revocable trust (this document spells out how your assets should be distributed) with an incapacity clause, as well as a will. Also, have an "advance medical directive" in place that tells your doctors the type of care you want if you become unable to speak for yourself.

Finally, every family should have an emergency savings account that can cover at least eight months of living expenses, and even if you aren't bringing in the majority of income, it's important to have your own personal savings account that could support you for at least three months, as a just in case. The best place for your savings is an FDIC-insured bank (or a credit union backed by the National Credit Union Share Insurance Fund). If you keep less than $100,000 at an FDIC bank, no matter what happens to the bank, the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation (part of the U.S. government) will make sure you get every penny back. Online banks that are FDIC insured are just as safe as the bank downtown. (Please note: The emergency federal legislation passed last October increased the FDIC insurance limit to $250,000 through December 2009. But to be extra safe, keep no more than $100,000 in any single bank.)

Everyone one of us can be in control of his or her own financial destiny- no matter what the future holds. What a thing of value- and some of the best goals you could set for yourself to start before the end of this year, and conquer in the next!

Hope your weekend is grand!

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

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Your children may be stressed. How to help them be stress-free.

It's not exactly new news to us in this last year, or more, that adults are reporting sky-high levels of stress- even those who'd not felt high levels of anxiety previously. Home foreclosures, job losses (now the leading cause of the highest unemployment numbers we've seen in decades), health care benefits losses...this list can seem insurmountable sometimes! Our economic turndown has taken a huge toll on us- but on our children, too! Kids already have plenty to get stressed about: homework, cliques, sibling rivalry. And as news about the economy, natural disasters, and terrorism fills the airwaves and dinner-table conversations, it's almost impossible for children not to pick up on their parents' stress as well.

"I have kids tell me that they’re worried about the environment and the economy," says clinical child psychologist Mark L. Goldstein, Ph.D., an adjunct professor at the Chicago School of Professional Psychology. Children have a different reaction to stress than adults. They may lose concentration and get stomachaches and more frequent colds. A study done at the University of Rochester Medical Center found that children whose families are under stress experience more fevers. But MSN Kids' Health & Fitness suggests starting with yourself, and working your way down to fine some concrete ways to help them—and you—get a grip.

1. Troubleshoot your own stress

Eight out of 10 Americans say the economy is a significant source of stress in their lives, according to an American Psychological Association survey. Those fears can spread to our kids. "Children turn to parents in order to get a sense of what's going to happen," says Deborah Belle, director of the human-development doctoral program at Boston University. Taking a time out, whether it's a walk or a long hot bath, will calm you down and offer an example of a healthy reaction to stress. Put off difficult conversations with your spouse until after your kids have gone to bed.

2. Be firm about activity-overload

Kids are way overbooked these days. "I met with the family of an 11-year-old who was in a dozen different activities," says Dr. Goldstein. "She wasn't sleeping, her nails were bitten, and she was wetting her bed." When he recommended that she drop some of the activities, her parents protested that she loved them all. But parents have to make the decision of what's best. His rule of thumb: "One sport, one other activity, plus any religious education your child may be taking."

3. Bump bedtime up by half an hour

A 2006 National Sleep Foundation poll found that children hit the sheets about 30 minutes past their official bedtime. Plus, they may need much more sleep than you think, says Jodi Mindell, Ph.D., associate director of the sleep center at the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. Preschoolers need 11 to 13 hours a night, 5- to 12-year-olds require 9 to 11 hours, and kids 13 and up need about 8 1/2 to 9 1/2 hours. If there's a TV in your child's room, yank it, says Dr. Mindell. "The light suppresses production of relaxing melatonin and makes them less sleepy."

4. Encourage kids to move more

Children in America are exercising less than ever before. This inactivity decreases production of the hormones that help regulate stress. If your children don't play team sports or run around outside with friends, institute family activities such as an after-dinner walk or a weekend bike ride.

And just think what a little more sleep for yourself, and a little more activity with your kids could do for your own stress level? Can we say LOWER??

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

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If you're over 50 and interviewing, here's what you need to know.

"I was fully qualified and it makes no sense."

"They simply don't know how to hire."

"They told me that I was overqualified."

Randy Block, a seasoned career transition coach and consultant in the Bay area, hears these comments often. You may be feeling more than your share of frustration- who wouldn't? Unfortunately, that frustration could hold you back from getting on your professional feet again. It's a new job hunting world, and you can learn the ropes!

If you're an "older" job hunter, more than likely, you already know that the ultra competitive job search process in today's economy is especially hard on you. Part of the challenge you're facing is a major generation gap between Baby Boomer job hunters and the Gen-Xer hiring managers of today. As Block noted, "30-somethings don't want to hire their parents. Unfortunately, that's how we often come across - as their parents."

You can succeed during interviews with younger hiring managers, but you'll want to think and act differently. Here are five areas to start with from AOL & Careerbuilder's Joe Turner, The Job Search Guy:

1. Show passion for your work

Relationships are based on shared values, Block says. He believes that shared values make up most of what we call chemistry. Chemistry is enhanced when we meet others who have a shared or common interest. This extends to your work, profession or industry. If there is little passion or commitment from you for your work, how can you expect others to get excited during the interview? On the other hand, if you consider yourself driven or committed to what you do for a living, you'll most likely meet up with a hiring manager who has a shared interest in the same area. This in fact, may be a new area for you as you undergo a possible career change. It gives you the opportunity to take your transferable skills and put them to use in some new ways for a different industry. If you're genuinely excited about your possibilities, your excitement can be contagious, especially during your interview.

2. Sell your brand

The best way to prepare for an interview is to start with a focus and brand that actually sells you. Develop a personal brand statement for yourself, a simple sentence that offers three very important selling points about you. First, it should say who you are. Second, it should offer your biggest strength(s) and third, it should offer the biggest benefit that you bring to your next employer.

The purpose of your brand is to go beyond mere duties and job descriptions and get to the "what's in it for them" benefit that will make the employer sit up and take notice.

3. Being "led" versus being managed

Another disparity that needs to be addressed, according to Block, is the fact that Boomers want to be "led" and not managed. In his coaching practice, he found that most 30-something managers look for someone they can manage. In coaching sessions with young managers, he observed that their leadership skills typically lag behind their management skills.

If you're a Boomer, take note and realize that you might not get the visionary leader you hoped for in your next hiring manager. Block has discovered that most young managers need help and guidance. They actually appreciate being mentored, coached or advised. They recognize the need, but look at it as a temporary or project-based opportunity.

This is an opportunity to sell yourself as a consultant whose many years of expertise can be useful in the role of a temporary coach or mentor. This may be a great meld between the "management versus leadership" dichotomy. This also increases your opportunities since companies are hiring more consultants in this economic downturn. As the economy improves, that 1099 contract could well turn into a salaried position- a nice W-2 for your next tax year!

4. Think "tactical" versus "strategic"

According to Block and other employment analysts, many companies today view their short-term survival needs as having paramount importance. They're looking for players who can hit the ground now and help them grunt through the next six to nine months. That will require a change in your marketing approach as phrases like "long-term" and "strategic" won't have the sales impact of a year ago. Rather than emphasize the long haul in your résumé and interview marketing, look instead at selling yourself as an expert who can get in and fix the problems of today quickly and efficiently. Downplay any talk about long-range solutions and instead, focus on clear results-oriented achievements for short-range problems.

Talk money

Money talks and it talks loudly. Money can also trump age, so try to get as close to the money as you can when you describe who you are and what you bring to the table.

Keep in mind that all organizations have only two basic needs: revenue and productivity. This is what keeps any top manager up at night. If your brand can help them, they will seek your advice and counsel. Therefore, come to the interview armed with specific examples of how you can solve their money (or productivity) problem. Your past achievements are examples of how to tackle the similar problems they're faced with today. If you can show yourself to be the problem-solver they need, you'll quickly rise to the "short list" of candidates. Your goal is to become the "go-to" person for their short-term revenue or productivity problems.

The Gen-Xer's need your help. Your working relationship could very well begin as either part- time or a short-term contract but can extend into full-time once you've proven yourself. Focus on ways you can help their short term "survivability" through this recession and get as close as you can to their revenue or productivity concerns. Talk money and how you can help them produce immediate results. A younger manager would have to be very shortsighted not to explore a working relationship with someone more experienced. Capitalize on your wealth of experience to make a positive difference in the lives and careers of the Gen-Xer's.

Then get your own retirement plans back on track, too. We'll tackle that coming up later this week, which is- beginning! Happy Monday!

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

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What's the difference between getting further into debt, and living a life of wealth? Not as much as you might think.

Jean Chatzky is one woman who believes, even in the toughest economic times (as all of us are experiencing; some more than others) that anyone can prosper…if they possess key traits and abilities that will set them apart. She calls these traits, and her new book, The Difference, and describes how you can go from the person who lives paycheck to paycheck to the person who lives in comfort.

Do you have The Difference? And, if not—how can you get it? Jean shares the eight things that matter most to help you become financially free.

Happiness and Optimism

Some people believe money leads to happiness. Not true. Once you're living comfortably, more money doesn't buy more happiness. The reverse, however, is true: Happiness leads to money. And success. Likewise, so does optimism. Both empower you to solve problems, create new ideas, take long-range consequences into consideration and come back to try again if you miss the first time.

Resilience

People who have moved from a bad financial situation into comfort or wealth have resilience. They can overcome—on the job, in their personal lives, with their finances. They don't deny the bad things that happen, but they're able to turn their focus to things over which they have control with the belief that they have the ability to effect change. The good news is you don't have to be born with resilience—you can learn it by controlling the things you can control and letting go of the others.

Connectedness 

Ever heard of social capital? It's the asset created when relationships between people change in ways that lead to action, generally for good. It's an important component of The Difference, and the wealthy and financially comfortable not only have more of it than people living paycheck to paycheck, they know how to use it. They cast a wider net, socializing with neighbors, co-workers, people who can help them advance financially or in their careers. To get your share of social capital, you have to make time for people and put yourself forward as a leader.

Passion

This is a key element that moves people from a life of financial struggle to one of financial success. The wealthy, simply put, want it more than the rest of that. Some want it in the form of money, but most are quite passionate about the careers they choose to pursue. And, at a time where doing what you love may not seem possible, it's important to know you can learn to love what you're doing- right here, and right now.

Intuition

Over the years, your brain has scored up scads of patterns, information that tells you that if one thing happens, something else is likely to follow. We feel these signals in our gut—and we call them hunches. They are really our intuition, a sixth sense that is more developed in the wealthy than in anyone else. You can learn to bring yours forward by adopting strategies like giving your intuition a little room to breathe: Jean herself says she has the best moments of "enlightenment" when she's not searching for them.

Make savings your new, "got to" habit

The wealthy people in Chatzky's study certainly have the funds to be crazy spenders, but most aren't. Both wealthy and financially comfortable individuals say that saving more money has been an "absolutely essential" financial goal as an adult.

Invest in stocks

Jean did the research for The Difference when housing prices were cratering and the markets were falling out of the sky. Yet, one lesson emerged again and again: The wealthy understand the need to take risks in the market—in good times and in bad—in order to make their money work as hard as they do.

Gratitude

The Karma Kickback. The people who get rich—and stay rich—are not just grateful. They practice gratitude by giving back to their communities, to organizations they believe in and the people they care about. (Your place of worship may call it 'tithing.') Even if you are thinking of something you view as mundane—like your job—when you think about it as a gift, you focus on what life might be if you didn't have it.

Can you see The Difference in your life today? Tomorrow? As long as you see it, you'll live it.

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

Check out the new John Tesh Social Network. You can connect with new friends, post your own blog, visit various forums, upload your favorite John Tesh music and share your photos.  To learn more about how to join, click here.