The John Tesh Blog

No, it's not the end of the world...it's just DATING.

When it comes to your love life, do you wish there was a rule book? Sorry- I wasn't about to offer one- it doesn't really exist (love our individualism, right??), but eHarmony Advice has been around the block, so to speak, and offers a few hard and fast guidelines that should smooth your dating sails a bit with some dos and don'ts:

Rule #1: Listen to Your Gut

Whether you’re on a date, communicating with someone you meet online, or flirting with a cutie you meet in person, it’s important to pay attention and listen to your gut. If a potential date’s actions or words set off an internal alarm system, you owe it to yourself to pay attention and act accordingly. These alarms can be both good and bad. For example, how about if you’ve met someone online and they seem interesting- enough to talk on the phone, right? But then you talk to them on the phone and they sound completely different (in a negative way)- you may decide not to meet them in person. A positive example would be if you were on a date with someone and they seemed nervous but well intentioned, your gut might tell you to give them a second chance. By going on a second date, you’ll gain a better understanding of who they really are and if you’d like to see them again.

Rule #2: Pay Attention to Red Flags

Like those internal alarms that alert you to your gut feelings, you also have an alarm system to alert you to red flags. Sometimes this alarm system is turned way down. As a result, we often ignore red flags and find ourselves getting involved with inappropriate partners because we’re not paying attention. Wrong move- you owe it to yourself to become a red flag specialist- especially on a date. An example of a red flag would be if you found yourself on a date with someone who could not stop talking about their ex. They may be a fantastic person, and eventually make a great partner, but right now they’re not ready. Your job is to pay attention to that red flag and not pursue them.

Rule #3: Actions Speak Louder Than Words

During the course of your dating life you'll most likely find yourself on a date with someone whose actions speak much louder than their words. Maybe they’re attentive and chivalrous to you, but treat the waiter, bartender, and/or valet poorly. Or maybe they claim they’re ready for a long-term relationship, but their wandering eye tells you otherwise. To get the most out of your dating life, it’s important to understand that actions speak louder than words. When someone’s actions are contrary to their words, this is not only a red flag, it’s gut-check time. By paying attention and screening out potential partners whose actions don’t match their words, you cut down on wasted dating time and make it that much easier to attract potential partners worth your time and energy.

Rule #4: Don’t Play Games

Successful singles know what goes around comes around. They also know the importance of being honest and well-intentioned with the people they date. As a successful single, you owe it to yourself and the individuals you date not to play games. Call when you say you’re going to call. Do what you say you’re going to do, and be honest when the other person asks if you’d like to go out again. If you don’t want to see them again, say so in a kind and considerate way. By being honest and letting them down easy, you avoid playing games. Expect the same in return. If you don’t get it, don’t play games by taking that out on the next person you date.

Rule #5: Know When to Say “Game Over”

Just as you should not play dating games, you will want to avoid getting played. Like it or not, there are plenty of players on the dating scene. It’s up to you to know the signs of the player, know their game, and be confident enough to say “game over.” Here’s where that all important "gut-check" pays off- know how to spot a player. A little too charming? A little too self-deprecating? A player wants to engage you in the game. So call it for what it is, and instead of falling for their tactics, simply smile, say “game over,” and walk (better yet, run!) away.

So sorry- it's impossible to make one rulebook to match every individual, but that doe seasoned pros who have seen a thing or two in their day, does it? Of course not! And if you can find dating to be a more enjoyable experience, on the whole, by listening to your gut, paying attention to red flags, and understanding that actions speak louder than words, you cut down on wasted dating time...which could translate to relationship success.

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

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Think about putting "spectacular marriage" on your Christmas list this year!

Spectacular? Oh, yes (I must be on a 'spectacular' kick...talked about spectacular, and eco-friendly Christmas decorations yesterday!) It sure is a powerful word, but no more so than the negativity that can turn a relationship sour. Redbook's Nicole Yorio opens the door to 4 spectacularly easy ways to make an amazing marriage with love moves that will bring the two of you closer than ever...just in time for the holidays!

What do couples who describe their marriages as spectacular do differently than those who describe their marriages as simply so-so? The differences are quite small, actually. "When we look at happy couples, we see that great marriages are not the result of hours of hard work," says relationship researcher Terri L. Orbuch, Ph.D., who followed 373 couples for over 22 years as part of a marriage study funded by the National Institutes of Health. "It's the small changes in behavior and attitude that can transform your relationship." In her new book, 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great, Orbuch shares the steps you can take to marital greatness.

1. Understand Each Other's Needs
"The main reason marriages break up is not conflict, communication problems, or intimacy incompatibility," Orbuch says. "It's frustration — the day-to-day disappointment of the gap between what you expect and how your partner acts — that is most damaging." To diffuse that frustration, share your expectations with each other. Maybe your wife desires more affection and you crave more relaxed couple time- that spells time for compromise, and taking turns (see? those sandbox moments still hold true for an adult!) "And be sure to check in with your partner once a year, as added pressures or life changes can create new expectations," Orbuch says.

2. Show Him Some Love
Husbands whose wives give them affirmation — those words and gestures that show they are appreciated, respected, and loved — are twice as likely to describe themselves as happily married. And men may need affirmation more than women, Orbuch's research showed. "Women are constantly receiving flattery from friends and even strangers who say, 'Love your outfit!'" she says. "But men don't get that recognition." Can you imagine a passerby stopping your husband to compliment him on how well his tie matches his shirt? Not gonna happen — which is why men rely on that attention from their wives. Luckily, there's another payoff to your flattery: He's more likely to return those loving deeds back to you.

3. Take 10
A weekly date night is always recommended as a way to reconnect, but sometimes all you need is a few minutes. "I call this the 10-Minute Rule: Take 10 minutes a day to talk about anything — except for kids, responsibilities, or chores," Orbuch says. Throw out Mom's old advice about how an air of mystery keeps the flame alive: Orbuch's research showed that 98 percent of happy couples say they intimately understand their partners. And knowing your spouse intimately isn't always about engaging in heavy conversations: Anything that helps you learn something new will bring you closer, Orbuch says. You can bond over why you think your dog is the smartest one on your block or which superpower you'd want most. You'll get to know each other's inner world and strengthen your bond of happiness.

4. Focus on the Good
The best way to make your relationship better is to work at fixing what's wrong, right? Nope. "The most effective way to boost fun and passion is to add positive elements to your marriage," Orbuch says. "That positive energy makes us feel good and motivates us to keep going in that direction." This doesn't mean that you can't feel — or talk about — anything negative, but "pretend you are weighing your interactions on a scale," she says. "If you want a happier relationship, the positive side needs to far outweigh the bad." The more you honor the love and joy in your bond, the sooner you'll transform your marriage into one that is truly great.

Happiness to you today,

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

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All the single ladies? All the single men, too. Lots of singles- but do they want to stay that way?

Attention singles. If you feel like you can’t find someone who wants to settle down, you’re right! According to experts, single folks are now in the majority. 51% of the households in America are filled with unmarried people. Add to that, Stephen Mason, PhD, recently wrote in Psychology Today about filling in for a colleague in leading a psychotherapy group called Living Life as a Long-Time Single. Mason says the group that turned out that evening was evenly divided between males and females and their ages varied enough to make it a well-rounded group of people. That being the case, he was "blown away by the response to my very first question. When I asked how many would willingly trade 'singledom' for 'coupledom' they were unanimous in wanting to switch." There was, of course, the requirement that the Significant Other should be a real sweetheart, great catch, etc., but Mason says it still came down to the fact that nobody in the room was there by choice. In the best of worlds, they would all have been home with Mr/Ms Right. So here are the answers to 3 questions about why people stay single. And how they can find someone who wants to commit. These come from Jillian Straus, author of the book Unhooked Generation.

• Question #1: Why is it so hard for people to settle down? Straus says the biggest reason people are scared to commit is because they don’t want their marriage to fail. Today’s singles are the first generation to be heavily affected by the rise in divorce – which boomed in the 70s and 80s. Prior to that, divorce was still considered shameful. 
• Question #2: How can people be more positive about committing? Straus says people need to stop thinking “Am I missing out on someone better?” Trends like internet dating let singles connect with tons of potential mates, so they’re always left wondering if there’s something better out there. But the grass is never greener on the other side of the fence. When you get to the other side, and see it up close, you see that someone else’s lawn has the same weeds and bald spots yours does. The lesson is to appreciate what you’ve got, instead of dreaming of what you don’t have. So if the person you’re dating meets 8 out of 10 requirements on your list – stick with them. You’ll never find someone who gets 10 out of 10. Also, would you want to be judged as harshly as you’re judging others? Probably not. If you want to be loved “warts and all” – you have to do the same.

So how can you get a relationship off on the right footing? You have to let potential mates know exactly what you want; people aren’t mind readers. Relationships are about communication, and if you can’t speak your mind early on, you’re going to have a hard time in any serious relationship. So, if you want to have Mexican food for dinner, but you answer ‘I don’t care’ when your date asks where you want to eat, don’t get upset if you end up at an Italian restaurant.  You do care; saying you have no preference isn't putting a real you out in front. David Steele, author of Conscious Dating, says that people put more effort into buying a car than selecting a mate. When they do meet someone, they make impulsive decisions based on desperation, or fleeting feelings. So, here are his tips on how to stop hoping for love, and become a conscious dater who’s actively looking for it:

• First, know who you are and what you want. Think of yourself as an iceberg. The “everyday” you is the part that sticks up out of the water. And the real you is the 90 percent that’s hidden from view. So, sit down with a piece of paper, and ask your hidden self a few questions. Like, what new places, activities, and experiences would you like to try? And where do you see yourself 5 years from now in work, family, and fun? That’s the person you should be selling to the world, and the person who really does have a preference between Mexican or Italian food for dinner.
  
• Then, become the partner you’re looking for. Grab your “wish list,” pick an activity, and make plans to do it. Whether it’s trying spicy Indian food, bungee jumping off a bridge, or sitting under a waterfall on a tropical island. If you do what you love, you’re more likely to run into someone who loves it, too. And voilà – an instant connection!
• Strengthen your relationship skills with your family, friends, and co-workers. Bottom line: The better you are at relationships in general, the better you’ll be at creating - and holding onto - a relationship when you finally meet “The One", or...maybe being single won't feel so much like a void in your life when these relationships become stronger.

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

Check out the new John Tesh Social Network. You can connect with new friends, post your own blog, visit various forums, upload your favorite John Tesh music and share your photos.  To learn more about how to join, click here.

On the outs with your friend? Here's how to mend a tattered friendship.

Kids, spouses, jobs, an economic recession creating job losses (maybe your own), rising health care costs...it's been a pretty tough world out there lately, and you may notice current situations taking a toll on your closest friendship. Maybe things just aren't the way they used to be between you and your BFF. One of you may be feeling snappish, or just downright uptight when you're together. While you used to be attached at the hip, there's suddenly a wedge between you. What can you do? Irene S Levine, PhD, The Friendship Doctor at Psychology Today, offers the first steps to try.

1) Assess what's going on between you

Try to think objectively and make sure that you really want to mend the friendship. Your  latest tiff may just be a sign that the relationship has been doomed for a while. Have you simply outgrown each other? That's no one's fault. People change over time and not always in the same direction. Have the same problems recurred time after time? Maybe the bad chemistry or sense of imbalance between you has become so overwhelming that it is impossible to transcend. Or--- is it something that you think you might really be able to fix? If so, proceed to Tip 2.

2) Pinpoint what happened

If it is something you said or did, or something you didn't say or do---or if the problem was with her, talk about it. No friendship is perfect and each one has tiny kinks that need to be worked out. Communicating avoids little problems from escalating into big ones that can undermine a relationship.

3) Be the first to offer the olive branch

If you know you were in the wrong, take responsibility for your mistake. Tell your friend how important the relationship is to you and show her in some small but concrete way. Invite her to dinner or send her a card that says, "I'm sorry."

If she was in the wrong, practice forgiveness. (We just talked in depth about the healing you can experience through forgiving others in yesterday's post.) Harboring resentment towards someone has a way of bouncing back like a boomerang to hurt you (including raising your blood pressure). Let go of the disappointment. Having a shared history should provide a strong foundation that allows a friendship to weather small hurts.

4) Step back after you've tried

Be sensitive to her response. Okay, you've been thinking about how you were going to handle this fiasco, for hours or maybe even weeks and months. But you just sprung your thinking on her and she may need time to mull it over. If her answer is "No way," accept it for the moment, give it some time, and try again. If she repeatedly blows you off, you may have to accept her decision and move on.

5) Don't necessarily view endings as a failure.

Friendships have beginning and endings. Ones that last forever are more likely to be the topic of novels and television scripts. The women I surveyed for my book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, talked about even very close friendships having "expiration dates" and "shelf lives." And sometimes women breathe a sigh of relief after an ambivalent or toxic friendship is over. 

Friendships are wonderful and life affirming. But keep in mind that just as is the case in most relationships that really mean something to us, the ones that have a chance at surviving the test of time (as well as stresses and arguments!), our friendships will not flourish being left on a shelf with no care coming from us. They require effort.  And if we're lucky, each one provides us with new wisdom so they get better and better! 

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

Check out the new John Tesh Social Network. You can connect with new friends, post your own blog, visit various forums, upload your favorite John Tesh music and share your photos.  To learn more about how to join, click here.

Does your relationship need a tune-up?

Just like our reliable cars that get us where we need to go, day after day, sometimes our relationships are in need of a tune-up, too.  Novelist Aldous Huxley once wrote, "There's only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self."  Well, who wants to start with ourselves, when we can play a blame game with our closest ones? Not the way to go! And Huxley's words sum up the premise of a new book highlighted on Oprah.com by psychiatrist David D. Burns, MD, a pioneer in cognitive behavioral therapy and adjunct clinical professor emeritus at the Stanford University School of Medicine. Feeling Good, Burns' 1980 book about battling (successfully!) depression, was a best-seller. Now, based on new research involving more than 1,000 men and women and 25 years of clinical practice, he's written a sequel—Feeling Good Together: The Secret to Making Troubled Relationships Work.

"You can heal a relationship quickly and dramatically, with mind-blowing effects," Burns says. "But you must be willing to examine your own part in it and to see whether you are actually triggering the very problem you've been complaining about." Not that this is easy. We don't want to see ourselves as the cause of the problem, he says, "because it's painful—it hurts tremendously. But we need to give up blaming the other person, and to focus all our energy on changing ourselves." As extreme as it sounds, Burns insists that no matter how much at fault the other person is, you can't fix him (or her); but in a healthy relationship, once you start changing yourself, your partner will change too.

In Feeling Good Together, Burns writes about a woman who is frustrated with her husband because he won't do his share of the chores; worse, when she tries to get emotionally close to him, he pushes her away. It's a classic case of she nags, he withdraws. One day, while he is making a potato casserole, she repeatedly suggests he use a food processor. He finally snaps, "Don't be so pushy! Leave me alone."

"Does it bother you when I suggest things that may make life a bit easier?" she retorts, stomping off in a huff. But what if, as Burns advises, she had said something like "Honey, it's hard for me to hear you say I'm pushy; I know you're right, and I'm sure it's irritating. I really love you and want to hear more about how you're feeling. But you just asked me to leave you alone, and I understand if you're not in the mood to talk right now." The simple—and courageous—act of finding the truth in what her husband is saying suddenly makes the wife appear neither bossy nor annoying. This truth-seeking skill is central to improving relationships, Burns says. "It's really difficult to see things through the eyes of the other person, but when you do, it's like seeing the Grand Canyon for the first time. You wonder how you could have been missing it all these years." When the wife took Burns's advice and realized she was the one pushing her husband away, she began to cry—a breakthrough that opened the way to intimacy.

Such powerful insights are available to everyone. "If you are willing to change yourself and have a real love for your partner," says Burns, "you can both be reborn."

So, let's start with our tune up for these three pretty common issues plaguing our relationships:

Burns has developed a method called cognitive interpersonal therapy that uses specific tools for different trouble spots. Try them; if you're still at an impasse, Burns says, "it may be time to seek professional help."

1. Your partner gives you the silent treatment.

Burns suggests a technique he calls multiple-choice empathy. This involves saying something like "I notice you don't want to talk to me. Is there something you're upset about? Are you angry with me? Perhaps I haven't been a very good listener, and when you've tried to talk, I've just bossed you around. I'm really sad to realize I've probably been doing this to you." Nine times out of 10, Burns says, the other person will open up because you've taken the blame and let him or her off the hook.

2. Your partner criticizes you.

Burns recommends responding to an attack by turning the criticism on its head, a method called positive reframing. For example, if your husband says you're a control freak, instead of taking the bait, respond with a comment like "You're right; I may have a tendency to be overly controlling" and use it as an opening for discussion. "We seem to be having a conflict right now," you might say, "but as awful as it feels, I'm thinking this could be an opportunity for us to explore a deeper relationship. I love you; with that in mind, tell me more about how you're experiencing this."

3. You both want more intimacy.

Try the one-minute drill. One person starts as the Talker; the other is the Listener. The Talker (your husband, let's say) expresses anything that's on his mind for 30 seconds while you give him your full attention, without interrupting, agreeing, or disagreeing. The idea is to sharpen your listening skills, so after 30 seconds you summarize what he said and he grades your response, from 0 to 100 percent, based on how accurate it is. If the grade is below 95, he points out what you missed or got wrong and you repeat the exercise until he gives you at least a 95. Now switch roles. Almost immediately, says Burns, communication between you will improve.

Look- I, personally, know of no relationship that thrives without effort- without taking a good solid accounting once in awhile to make sure you and your loved ones are where you want to be.  It doesn't have to be horrible, hard work, but it can't be ignored. The tune-ups for our relationships are as important as regular check-ups with your doctor...and way more significant than the tune-up to your car!

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

Check out the new John Tesh Social Network. You can connect with new friends, post your own blog, visit various forums, upload your favorite John Tesh music and share your photos.  To learn more about how to join, click here.

Overlooked signs of cancer that I don't want YOU to overlook.

Look, I don’t want to put the fear of cancer in you, but some warning signs are often overlooked. As reported in recent months, more people than ever are avoiding going to the doctor for check-ups, or for what they consider to be minor problems because of insurance difficulties, or necessary financial belt tightening.  But there are some health issues you simply must not skimp on when it comes to paying money to see a doctor. Strongly consider seeing a doctor if you’re experiencing any of the following symptoms, especially more than one. These are from Caring.com, an online resource that focuses on health issues we may experience as we age.

Routine tests like pap smears and mammograms are important, but don't rely on tests alone to protect you from cancer. It's just as important to listen to your body and notice anything that's different, odd, or unexplainable. You don't want to join the ranks of cancer patients who realize too late that symptoms they'd noticed for a long time could have sounded the alarm earlier, when cancer was easier to cure.

1. Wheezing or shortness of breath

One of the first signs lung cancer patients remember noticing when they look back is the inability to catch their breath. "I couldn't even walk across the yard without wheezing; I thought I had asthma, but how come I didn't have it before?" is how one woman described it.

2. Chronic cough or chest pain

Several types of cancer, including leukemia and lung tumors, can cause symptoms that mimic a bad cough or bronchitis. One way to tell the difference: The problems persist, or go away and come back again in a repeating cycle. Some lung cancer patients report chest pain that extends up into the shoulder or down the arm.

3. Frequent fevers or infections

These can be signs of leukemia, a cancer of the blood cells that starts in the bone marrow. Leukemia causes the marrow to produce abnormal white blood cells, which crowd out healthy white cells, sapping the body's infection-fighting capabilities. Often, doctors finally catch leukemia in older adults after the patient has been in a number of times complaining of fever, achiness, and flu-like symptoms over an extended period of time.

4. Difficulty swallowing

This is most commonly associated with esophageal or throat cancer, but having trouble swallowing is sometimes one of the first signs of lung cancer, too.

5. Swollen lymph nodes or lumps on the neck, underarm, or groin

Enlarged lymph nodes indicate changes in the lymphatic system, which can be a sign of cancer. For example, a lump or an enlarged lymph node under the arm is sometimes a sign of breast cancer. A painless lump on the neck, underarm, or groin can be an early sign of leukemia.

6. Excessive bruising or bleeding that doesn't stop

This symptom usually suggests something abnormal happening with the platelets and red blood cells, which can be a sign of leukemia. One woman with leukemia described bruising in strange places, such as on her fingers and hands, as well as red spots on her face, neck, and chest. Another noticed bleeding gums. The explanation: Over time, leukemia cells crowd out red blood cells and platelets, impairing the blood's ability to carry oxygen and clot.

7. Weakness and fatigue

"I kept having to sit down at work, and one night I was too tired to drive home," said one woman in describing the fatigue that led her to discover she had leukemia. Generalized fatigue and weakness is a symptom of so many different kinds of cancer that you'll need to look at it in combination with other symptoms. But any time you feel exhausted without explanation and it doesn't respond to getting more sleep, talk to your doctor.

8. Bloating or abdominal weight gain -- the "my jeans don't fit" syndrome

While this might sound too common a phenomenon to be considered a cancer symptom, consider this: Women diagnosed with ovarian cancer overwhelmingly report that unexplained abdominal bloating that came on fairly suddenly and continued on and off over a long period of time (as opposed to for a few days each month with PMS) is one of the main ways they knew something was wrong.

9. Feeling full and unable to eat

This is another tip-off to ovarian cancer; women say they have no appetite and can't eat, even when they haven't eaten for some time. Any woman who experiences noticeable bloating or weight gain numerous times (the diagnostic criteria is more than 13 times over the period of a month) -- especially if it's accompanied by pelvic pain or feeling overly full -- should call her doctor and ask for a pelvic ultrasound.

10. Pelvic or abdominal pain

Taken by itself, pelvic pain can mean a lot of things. In fact, because it's a common symptom of fibroids, ovarian cysts, and other reproductive tract disorders, doctors don't always think of cancer when you describe pelvic pain. Make sure your doctor looks at all possible explanations and does a full exam, since pain and cramping in the pelvis and abdomen can go hand in hand with the bloating that often signals ovarian cancer. Leukemia can also cause abdominal pain resulting from an enlarged spleen.

11. Rectal bleeding or blood in stool

"I thought it was hemorrhoids" is one of the most common things doctors hear when diagnosing colorectal cancer. Blood in the toilet alone is reason to call your doctor and schedule a colonoscopy.

12. Unexplained weight loss

If you notice the pounds coming off and you haven't made changes to your diet or exercise regime, you need to ask why. Weight loss is an early sign of colon and other digestive cancers; it's also a sign of cancer that's spread to the liver, affecting your appetite and the ability of your body to rid itself of wastes.

13. Upset stomach or stomachache

As simple as it sounds, a good old-fashioned bellyache is what tipped off a number of lucky folks, whose doctors ordered ultrasounds and discovered early that they had tumors on their livers. Stomach cramps or frequent upset stomachs may indicate colorectal cancer; many cancer patients say their doctors thought they had ulcers.

14. A red, sore, or swollen breast

Everyone knows to check for lumps in the breasts, but too often overlooked are symptoms closer to the surface, which can indicate inflammatory breast cancer. Some women described noticing cellulite-like dimpled skin on an area of the breast. Others noticed that a breast felt swollen, hot, or irritated. Red or purplish discoloration is also cause for concern. Call your doctor about any unexplained changes to your breasts.

15. Nipple changes

One of the most common changes women remember noticing before being diagnosed with breast cancer is a nipple that began to appear flattened, inverted, or turned sideways. "My nipple started looking like it was turned inside out," said one woman. In addition, inflammatory breast cancer also causes nipple problems, such as itchy, scaly, or crusty skin on the nipple -- so take any nipple changes seriously.

16. Unusually heavy or painful periods or bleeding between periods

Many women reported this as the tip-off to endometrial or uterine cancer. Unfortunately, many women also said their doctors weren't responsive, overlooking or misdiagnosing their complaints as normal perimenopause. Ask for a transvaginal ultrasound if you suspect something more than routine heavy periods.

17. Swelling of facial features

Some patients with lung cancer report noticing puffiness, swelling, or redness in the face. The explanation for this is that small cell lung tumors commonly block blood vessels in the chest, preventing blood from flowing freely from the head and face.

18. A sore or skin lump that doesn't heal, becomes crusty, or bleeds easily

Most of us know to watch moles for changes that might indicate skin cancer. But other signs, such as small waxy lumps or dry scaly patches, are easier to miss. Familiarize yourself with the different types of skin cancer -- melanoma, basal cell carcinoma, and squamous cell carcinoma -- and be vigilant about checking skin all over the body for odd-looking growths or spots.

19. Changes in nails

Unexplained changes to the fingernails can be a sign of several types of cancer. A brown or black streak or dot under the nail can indicate skin cancer, while newly discovered "clubbing" -- enlargement of the ends of the fingers, with nails that curve down over the tips -- can be a sign of lung cancer. Pale or white nails can be an indication that your liver is not functioning properly, sometimes a sign of liver cancer.

20. Pain in the back or lower right side

As vague as this sounds, many cancer patients say this was the first sign of liver cancer, known as one of the "silent killers" (another is ovarian cancer). Breast cancer is also often diagnosed via back pain, which can occur when a breast tumor presses backward into the chest, or when the cancer spreads to the spine or ribs.

This list does not mean you have cancer.  This list means if you recognize yourself in one or more of these possible signs to watch out for, being PROactive is the way to go, and you should talk to a doctor to rule something out, at least.

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

Check out the new John Tesh Social Network. You can connect with new friends, post your own blog, visit various forums, upload your favorite John Tesh music and share your photos.  To learn more about how to join, click here.

Ladies- when you should fight off an attacker, and tips to keep you safe when you're driving

All motorists need to be careful on the highway, but female drivers of all ages, unfortunately, have to be doubly vigilant to avoid becoming victims of crimes while driving, including carjacking, sexual assault, robbery and worse. The following are some tips to help keep women safe while getting from here to there, from AOL Autos.

Got a beef with a roadhog?  Let it be.
"For road ragers, don't engage," says NYC cabbie Mellisa Plaut, author of "Hack", an account of her driving adventures. "Don't even look at someone who's trying to get your attention in an angry way. Just drive on, or turn. The worst thing you can do is get into a

fight. It never leads to anything good. Don't get your ego involved."

Pay attention.
Keep your sound system at a reasonable volume when driving in cities and neighborhoods, and don't space out or check your text messages at every stoplight. In fact, try to avoid getting distracted at all by your cell phone. Carjackers and robbers rely on the element of surprise, so if you're keeping eyes and ears alert to what's going on outside your vehicle, bad guys don't have a chance to sneak up on you.

Secure your car as you would your home.

You wouldn't leave your front door unlocked and your windows open at home, so get in the habit of securing your car the same way. Keep doors locked when you're driving, and windows raised. If anyone approaches your window asking for directions or money in slow or stopped traffic, take a quick glance around your vehicle to make sure you're not being distracted by one half of a team. Crack the window an inch or two instead of opening it all the way if you decide to speak to a stranger.

Be vigilant in parking lots- whether day or night.

When shopping, put your money away at the cash register, walk with purpose to your car and don't accept "help" from strangers. Have your keys out and be ready to open your vehicle and secure packages, get in the car, close and lock the door and drive away. "Don't approach your vehicle if a van or other large vehicle that wasn't there before is parked next to it," says Road and Travel's Jessica Howell. "Find a security guard to walk you to your car. If a security guard isn't available, look for a nearby couple and ask for an escort. Most people will be happy to lend a moment and ensure your safety."

Don't assume an unmarked car with a flashing light is a police officer.

If the car attempting to pull you over doesn't look like an official vehicle, keep driving, turn your inside light on and pull over only in a well-lit, populated area. Do not get out of your car, and angle the vehicle so you can drive away quickly if need be. Crack the window, ask to see the officer's ID and pay close attention to his clothes---are they worn? Do they match? If not, put up your window, drive away and call 911.

Now it’s time to focus on your safety for a minute, ladies, with some answers to some important questions when it comes to dealing with muggers and attackers. Hopefully you won’t need this information, but it’s better to be prepared with help from researchers at Health magazine.

• Are there times when a woman shouldn’t fight back? Lori Hartman Gervasi is the author of Fight Like a Girl– and Win: Defense Decisions for Women. She’s also a black belt self-defense expert trained in Karate. She says if someone’s grabbing your purse, or trying to take your car – let them have it. You risk your safety unnecessarily by challenging the person – these things are only material goods.
• So, when should you fight back? If an attacker is trying to get you into a car, Gervasi says fight back loudly and with every bit of strength and courage you have. The odds of surviving go way down once you’re in a car or a secluded location. Use whatever you have to fight back – your purse, shoes, rings on your fingers. If you’re kicking, go low and hard rather than trying for the groin. It’s hard to hit that region, and you might either lose your balance or give the attacker your foot to grab onto. When you make a fist to punch him, don’t tuck your thumb. Resting it just below the knuckles can inflict more damage. The bottom line is that most attackers are looking for an easy victim - and the more you fight back, the more likely it is that he’ll give up and run away.
• Should you carry pepper spray?

  

  Gervasi likes pepper spray because it provides a way to fight back without getting too close, but it’s useless if it’s buried in your purse. She recommends carrying your keys in one hand, pepper spray in the other – and your cell phone in an easy-to-reach pocket. That way, if a threatening person comes too close, you can quickly get your pepper spray into the “on” position, aim, and spray the attacker in the face. Then get a safe distance away and call the police.

I know it's heavy stuff to even think about it, but we all do, especially if you're a woman.  If you're a man, it's likely you have a wife, a sister, mother, or daughter you love- share this today!

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

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The Top Qualities of a Good Woman

A few weeks ago I wrote a blog on what it takes to be a good man. The emails came pouring in from guys asking me to post a blog on what it takes to be a good woman.

•A good woman freaks you out with her intelligence.   Women have the uncanny ability to cut through the fogginess of an issue and come up with a brilliant perspective. The upside for guys is that the more you hang around smart women, like my wife, the more brainy you become.

•A good woman in the eyes of her husband is drop dead gorgeous. With such a beautiful woman on your arm, you cannot help but keep your eyes on her.  There's nothing wrong with having a wife or girlfriend who's such a knock out that you often have to pinch yourself because you're so fortunate.

•A good woman is kind and compassionate to others. Though she's wise enough to see the mistakes people make that mess up their lives, a woman can still demonstrate compassion.  This causes the man to live in a world where he's got to do the right thing.  When my wife gets an idea of how we can help others, it may be the last thing I want to do at that moment. Yet once I'm on the scene in a convalescent home, it's an experience I'll never forget.

•A good woman has a sense of humor that takes you by surprise. To truly hear your wife's humorous side, you've got to listen. If you're reading the newspaper or checking out Monday Night Football, you'll miss out on some very funny things your wife may say.

•A good woman is a great listener. Women make great counselors since they listen intently when someone speaks to them.  At the same time, a woman should exercise the freedom to be honest with the person she's listening to.  She can use her abilities to be an encourager as well as to empower others to do what they want to do in life. 

•A good woman is a hard worker.  I know men work hard.  However, there are so many women across America who work hard all day and come home at night to a messy house and no dinner.  At times you have to force a woman to relax.  Take the mop out of her hand and start mopping the floor, guys.  

•A good woman will share your spiritual values. You should check out any potential mate to make sure she's on the same spiritual page.  There should exist a divine spark between the two of you.  You sense that God brought you together, you enjoy praying with one another and reading the Scriptures is not a chore or a duty, but a joy.

•A good woman has a balance of power.  She knows the power of her intelligence and does not use it to intimidate others but to share with others.  She allows the man to have his power as well. Men want to be a woman's hero.  That desire should not be squashed by a woman with a greater intellect and power, but encouraged and affirmed.

•A good woman always chooses a good man.  She is looking for someone who is honest and has integrity.  She wants to be with a man who will stay with her in both good and bad times. You don't want to be with a man who bolts once conflict arises.  You should also agree on many issues, one of them being money.  Savers should think twice before connecting with a wild spender. 

John

Email John:  johnsblog@teshmedia.com

Have you joined the brand new John Tesh Social Network? You can connect with new friends, post your own blog, upload your favorite John Tesh music and share your photos.  To learn more on how to join, click here.